God Talk and Luck

Finn is one of the lucky ones. He made it here safely and is healthy. He's a beautiful boy who I soak up every day. He drives me nuts at times (like when he is sassy and swats my hands away at dinner or squirms all over when getting his diaper changed - "oh, I'm sorry - am I taking too long wiping YOUR butt and cleaning up YOUR nasty poop?"), but regardless of his sass or (or his ass), I am so incredibly lucky. And he's so lucky to be here. Because we aren't all this fortunate. Sometimes I get sad and upset about what happened to Cale and make it too much about myself but really, it's about him. It's about the little boy who never got to even take one breath after he was born. Whose luck ran out far too soon.

My friend's friend just lost a baby. Every time I hear of a new loss my heart just sinks. It just doesn't end. Some people, some babies, just aren't lucky. But some, thankfully most, are.

I wrote her friend a note as she hadn't yet given birth at the time. I just wanted to share my experience and arm her with some information before it was too late (such as Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, etc.). I also told her that I am sorry for all the well intentioned comments that she will hear that will hurt regardless. People will say things like "This is part of God's plan" or "Everything happens for a reason" and regardless of what you believe, it doesn't change the sadness you feel or the grief that you have for losing your child. I believe in a God who has never left my side. I believe in a God that I can pray to and give my thanks to, but I don't believe Cale dying was part of His plan. He didn't take my child from me. Bad things happen. I don't blame God for them. When Cale died, and when bad things do happen, I believe that God is there. To provide comfort and love and support, but the God I believe in is just as sad that my baby died and grieves along with me. I believe that God, with sadness in his heart for the pain in ours, took my son in His loving arms. Not because he planned to take him away from me after nine months, but because something awful and unforeseeable happened, and He was there with us in the midst of all of it.

I had so many plans and dreams for Cale. Just as I'm sure this poor family I just learned of had for their baby. The loss doesn't end with the child. The loss extends to all the things you wanted for them and wanted to do with them.

I have plans and dreams for Finn too. I dream that he will be happy and successful and kind. I dream that he will never know loss the way his father and I have, yet will be compassionate to those who unfortunately will. I dream that he will outlive me by many, many years and will get to have dreams for his own kids some day.

I dream that he will be lucky all the days of his life.