December 15, 2012

Too Much

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world."
-- Mr Rogers.

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

I just don't even know what to say. No one does. But this blog is cheap therapy for me, so I will ramble away regardless.

I don't remember when, but awhile back I was sharing a story of loss with Miles and was just saying how it's all just too much. There is so much sadness in the world. I don't even remember what event or tragedy prompted this particular conversation, but of course I connected with with our own sadness over losing Cale,  over the fact that his entire life that was cut short, over the sadness of losing Daren, and the confusion as to how to make sense of any death that occurs during war. How Daren died a hero, not only doing a job that protects our very way of life, but wanting to make life a little better for others - for children who should have a peaceful future and for and a nation that can't rid itself of evil and of terrorism that is killing their people (and ours), and moving their nation backwards.

And at the time I just felt overwhelmed. I just felt sad. I told Miles it was all just too much. And then he said it is a lot, it's a lot to deal with and a lot that doesn't, and won't ever, make any sense. But it wasn't too much.

He meant that for us - for our life, for going on with our day-to-day events, it wasn't too much. Because we will still go on living. We will still try our best to give Finn everything he needs, raise him right, teach him how to be kind and loving and confident and determined. We will still try our best to enjoy life and make the most of it and in the process, should we be so lucky, make it mostly happy, mostly wonderful.

Yesterdays tragedy in Connecticut . . . it just seems like too much. And it seems foolish to say that it's not. There have been far too many terrible things happening in our world, in our own country, over a short period of time. But everything, EVERYTHING, is so much more tragic when it happens to a child. They were just babies.

When I was pregnant with Finn I wanted to do everything possible to ensure he was safe. I got extra appointments, I was induced early, I took precautions that I thought could maybe help change his outcome. He made it, but was it because of everything that we did? Not necessarily. Most of that was to help me cope, to keep me sane. But taking deliberate steps to prevent another tragedy was something I needed to do - for both of us. I know that each time a Soldier is killed in combat, the military does the same. The unit will take time to see how things could be made safer, what different courses of action could be taken next time. Can we improve the uniforms, the equipment, the vehicles. . . so much has been done to protect our Soldiers to the best of our ability - I honestly believe that. But it won't ensure they all come home. There is still evil in the world. There is still free will.

There's no answer to any of this. I wish there was. I think that's why I struggled to fall asleep last night. Because I can't solve anything, but how to we collectively solve at least some things? I just don't know. Right now I just am sad. I'm heartbroken for all those families who are forever changed. Who don't know where to go from here or what to do next. I don't understand their pain. I hope I never will. I can barely understand my own grief at times. But at some point, we will want to move past the tragedy. And help others in the process. We will want to take whatever steps possible to ensure that something like that won't happen again. We will want to not feel like it's too much and go on living and do good . . . for all those who weren't so lucky.

Edited to add this: 26 Moments that Restored our Faith in Humanity This Year. A must to read for today.


  1. Yes to all of this.
    That link is wonderful.

  2. So very sad...thank you for sharing that link though, it put a much needed smile on my face.

  3. Oh I have been such a mess over this...I don't Know exactly what they are going through but I have had someone tell me my child was dead...and I know the wreckage and the fall out and the desperation and the inability to breathe and the absolute devistation. I have lost a baby, these people have just lost a baby. I was thinking of the parents going home and sleeping on their child's bed, weeping, smelling their clothes, choking on sobs, unopened presents, knowing they will never bea able to hear their child's laughter again. It actually makes me feel so sick and I just cry. There is nothing to be done, the children are dead and the gunman is dead and there are no good reasons and it is horrific. I hope the parents feel the love from the world, although nothing can fill their empty broken hearts. I know I thought yesterday that at least the parents have eachother. I felt so alone and had to search for a community. I hope they can cry with eachother and lean on eachother right now...when they are feeling so lonely. It is just too much.

  4. I felt the same way when I heard about this. It was just too much, and they were just babies. I mean, who can do that to babies?!

    Since losing a close cousin and our Caroline, I have been hit by the sheer amount of sadness and loss in the world. I didn't really see it so much before. I guess I basically lived in a protective bubble. Things just never got "that bad." But after those losses, it was like my rose colored glasses had been taken off, and I could see the overwhelming bad around all of us. Wars, hunger, childhood illnesses, even car accidents...the news is full of the stories, day in and day out. But thankfully, like Miles said, it's not too much. Or rather, it is, but it isn't. We can't just focus on the bad, because there is good. Sometimes it's just hard to see past the darkness.

    Thanks for sharing this post!