Hidalgo Hero WOD

Four years ago today Miles' younger brother Daren was killed in Afghanistan. It's always hard to believe when another milestone comes and goes, another year without him. This morning to mark the anniversary of his passing I completed his Hero WOD, "Hidalgo," which was created by CrossFit headquarters as a way to pay tribute to the fallen. I've done this workout once before, and while both times I scaled back the weight (a lot), it still was a smoker of a workout!

Today's workout was done with the stroller group I exercise with, Stroller Strong Moms. I was really touched that they wanted to help us honor Daren and that so many participated despite the (literal) freezing temperatures we had this morning. I may have had snot frozen to my face during the run, but it felt good to do something for Daren.

Four years later and we miss him just the same. Four years later, we love him just the same.

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Mike's Hiking for Heroes

I had a really neat encounter today which is worth sharing/documenting. Yesterday my mother in law called to tell me about a West Point grad and veteran who is hiking one kilometer for every single man and woman killed during the Global War on Terror. His name is Mike and he is doing this to not only honor the fallen, but to raise funds for his charity, Legacies Alive which helps Gold Star Families honor their fallen family member. Legacies Alive helps honor the fallen through support, recognition, memorial funding and dedication, etc.

Mike's journey started in Washington state where he travelled down the west coast to southern California before making the long trek east, all by foot. When my mother in law called, she let me know that Mike was recently in Savannah, just having arrived at the Atlantic ocean and she was hoping if he hadn't left yet, I would be able to link up with him and pass along one of Daren's KIA bracelets. So I got in contact with him and was able to meet up today as he left Savannah heading north to South Carolina.

I had hoped to join him for a mile or two, but the highway he was walking along wasn't exactly stroller friendly, so the kids and I just stopped to visit for a bit instead. Mike was walking with two Gold Star family members who ended up being the parents of a classmate of mine, Sara Cullen, who was killed in a helicopter crash last year. It was special getting to meet them as well.

Mike graciously accepted Daren's bracelet stating he would be honored to wear it for the reminder of his hike which will end in Baltimore at next month's Army Navy game. He also let me add Daren's name to the American flag he carries with him which by the end of his hike will list every single fallen Soldiers name.

If you would like more information about his journey or how to help, please visit his website Mike's Hiking for Heroes or his Facebook page.

I am so glad I got to meet Mike, and so grateful he is helping to honor Daren and all of the fallen.

Hidalgo/Warner Golf Outing

Before my long road trip with the kids, we spent some time in Wisconsin and got to attend the Hidalgo/Warner Golf Outing. This was the second annual outing, but the first time we were able to make it. This event was to pay tribute to Daren as well as Rich Warner. Rich was from Wisconsin and was the good friend of Miles' older brother Jared. He was a Lance Corporal in the Marines when he was killed in Iraq in 2004. His family and Miles' family have been close over the years, but even more so when seven years after his death, Daren was killed - a tragedy these families now both share.

The golf outing was organized by one of Daren's close friends, Courtney. She not only came up with the idea for the event, got sponsors for holes on the golf course, organized teams for golfing, organized a raffle and prizes for winners (and losers) from the golf outing, solicited donations for a silent auction to help with the fundraising (things like autographed Green Bay Packers helmets and posters, spa treatments, cookware, etc., as well as organize a dinner after completion of the tournament. It was a really, really well done and impressive event.

Last year to proceeds from the tournament went to the Wounded Warrior Project as well as Daren and Rich's Memorial Funds. This year, however, the funds all went to support the new Fisher House being built in Milwaukee. The Fisher House provides lodging to families of wounded Soldiers who are receiving treatment away from home. It gives a family the ability to be with their Soldier as they recover and not have to worry about the burden of paying for a hotel.

With the turnout from this years Hidalgo/Warner Golf Outing, all of Courtney's hard work and all those who came out to honor Daren and Rich, the Fisher House Milwaukee will receive a check for $29,000.

We are so glad we got to be there this year and hope to make it back next year.

Beers + Hidalgo boys + golfcarts = accident   (accident = stupidity)

Finn could have ridden around on this ALL day.

Each table had a centerpiece with pictures of Rich and Daren. The top right picture is Daren at his West Point Graduation with Rich's parents, Pat and Mary. There was also a fallen comrade table reserved for them.

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Missing Daren, Three Years Later

Three years ago today my brother-in-law Daren was killed by and IED while leading Soldiers on patrol in southern Afghanistan. He was the goofiest, happiest, and most genuine person you ever could meet.

A lot has happened in three years since his passing, and yet it doesn't at all feel like three years. It still feels like I could just pick up the phone and hear his voice. I wish I could. I wish he was here to meet Finley and Mary. The only child of ours that Daren has gotten to know is the one we never got to know. I firmly believe, and am comforted at the thought, that Daren is with Cale and has been looking out for him. It makes me ache for them both all the more, but I'm thankful they have one another now. 

The other day Finn pointed to a picture of Daren and said, "dats Daren Hidalgo" and then spelled Daren (he is enjoying spelling 'Finley Daren' lately). I'm excited that Finn is nearing an age where he can learn more about Daren and eventually grasp the importance of his middle name. I was five months pregnant with him when Daren was killed. After Daren's possessions were sent home, his mom found, and sent us, a card that he had purchased while in Afghanistan and never mailed. It was a congratulations card for a baby boy. He may have been a clown a lot of the time, but Daren was one hell of a thoughtful guy.

I haven't broadcasted this information, but Miles is deployed again. I'm sure it's especially somber for him today, to be back where he was when Daren was killed. I wish we could be with him today as we remember his brother, but I will spend part of the day with his other brother Jared and his family, as well as Daren's best friend Phil who lives near us and has become a good friend over the last couple years. We'll probably exchange stories and laughter, a few tears, and hugs and forever miss our beloved and wonderful Daren.

Here is the tribute and remembrance video for Daren. If you haven't seen it before, please take a few minutes to watch and help us remember him.

Happy 27th, Daren

Today my brother-in-law should be turning 27. Instead, two years ago today we attended his funeral at West Point. We sang him Happy Birthday at the end of the service. It was really special and really, really sad.

As I mentioned on the anniversary of his passing, we want today, his birthday, to be more of a celebration, especially as Finley gets older. So today we ate chicken fingers (Daren's favorite) and we enjoyed an ice cream cake. Even Finn got down on Daren's Birthday dinner - I'm just thankful that Daren's favorite dish wasn't a plate full of vegetables because then we'd have issues!

Chicken Fingers, Fries, and Beer.

 Happy Birthday toast!

This was the smallest cake they had. Oh darn.

A little over a week ago we completed the CrossFit Hero WOD that was created for Daren. Miles has done it before, but I never have - I've never really done a CrossFit workout before that was longer than ten minutes and oh. my. goodness. this was a total smoker. Here's the workout normally:

"Hidalgo"

For time:
Run 2 miles
Rest 2 minutes
135 pound Squat clean, 20 reps
20 Box jump, 24" box
20 Walking lunge steps with 45lb plate held overhead
20 Box jump, 24" box
135 pound Squat clean, 20 reps
Rest 2 minutes
Run 2 miles

I obviously had to scale the weight back a lot. A whole lot. And it still was exhausting. Oh, and did I mention that you are supposed to wear a 20 lb weight vest for the entire workout! Yeah, I didn't do that. Roscoe ran the first two miles with me and we had a lot of great friends come out to complete it as well. The gym that hosted it raised donations for Daren's Memorial Fund and they had a great turnout of people (probably around 40-50 total) who didn't even know Daren, but who wanted to do the workout in his honor. It was really great to see.

Happy Birthday Daren, we love you.

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Two Years Ago Today

I was working on my West Point scrapbook, something that's been in the works since I graduated, and I had just finished up the Spring Break page from my junior year. I was really happy with how the page came out - a nice collection of pictures from my time in the Dominican Republic with Miles and his family. I wrote 'Spring Break' across the page in cute lettering that took me awhile to cut out. I laughed and shook my head at the picture of Daren pouring two beers into a margarita glass.

I was five months pregnant with Finley and home with just Roscoe as Miles was on his fourth deployment to Afghanistan. It was night and I was up in our office on the phone with my sister, Kate. Later in the conversation she said our mom was calling her on the other line and told me to hold on a second while she answered it. She came back and said "can I call you back?" There was something in her voice that made me think she was upset - so I asked if she was ok and she quickly said "yeah, I just gotta go" and promptly hung up. It wasn't much longer until my phone rang. But this time it was Miles. He just said "hun" and I, happy to hear his voice, said "hi babe, how are you?" there was a brief pause before he said "I'm umm, I'm coming home." I knew something was wrong. I stood as my chest tightened up and I held my breath while spitting out the words "are you ok?" He sounded choked up. My mind immediately flashed a picture of him hooked up to a ventilator, calling from a hospital bed. I don't know why I pictured that when I knew he could talk, but that's what I saw. I thought that's why his speaking was fragmented. But he said he was ok. He said, "I'm fine. But, umm, Daren was killed today."

The next thing I know I was on the floor. It wasn't like I fell over, though I guess I kind of did. I just couldn't stand anymore. I was on my knees sobbing, not wanting to hear what he was saying. All I could say over and over was "I'm so sorry." Miles then said he needed his parents phone number. He didn't have it memorized and didn't know if they knew yet. He thought he would have to tell them. My hands were shaking as I pulled my phone away to look up their numbers. I said it would be the hardest call he had to make and told him how much I loved him. He asked if I would be ok and I told him I would call a friend to come over. Then we hung up and I sat upstairs and sobbed. Roscoe came over and sat down by me. He wouldn't leave my side the rest of the night.

Miles did call his parents, but they had already been notified by a Casualty Assistance Officer. I'm thankful he didn't have to be the one to tell them. But when the CAO arrived at their door and told them their son had been killed in Afghanistan, they had to ask "which one?" The thought of that breaks my heart. To wonder what it was like for them to open the door and see the CAO and the Chaplain. Unexpected knocks on the door make my heart sink every time Miles is deployed. His father was in the military himself, he knows what those two individuals knock on your door for. As it turned out, Miles' dad wanted to ensure that didn't happen to me. They offered to send someone to my house to let me know about Daren and he immediately said "don't you dare - she will think it was Miles." I'm forever thankful he prevented that from happening.  Miles' parents had to call their youngest, Carmen, and their eldest, Jared and tell them their brother had been killed by an IED. They called my parents and told them what had happened and asked if my parents had any numbers for my friends in Georgia so they could have someone come to the house when I found out. They didn't know if Miles knew and had to assume he didn't and they would need to get word to me (without me thinking it was Miles who had been killed). My mom had called Kate not knowing I was on the other line with her. She told her to get off the phone with me, but to not say anything yet, as they didn't want me to be alone.

My friend Rhiannon came over and just sat with me. I am not even sure how long - I think a few hours. She wanted to see pictures of Daren and hear stories about him. She was with me when I got through to Miles' parents and talked to them. Just as before, the only thing I could think to say was "I'm so sorry."

I flew out two days later to meet Miles at Dover Air Force Base where he would escort his little brother home.

February 20, 2011 is so vivid to me. Even writing this out takes me back and makes me cry. We weren't sure what we wanted to do today to mark the occasion of his passing. Daren's birthday is coming up on March 4th. We want that day to be more of a celebration, especially as Finley gets older. So today we somberly remember Daren. We will laugh at his goofiness and cry at all we've lost, and on Saturday we will be participate in the Hero WOD CrossFit created for him through the efforts of his brother Jared. It will probably make me puke or pass out (maybe both), but I'm looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to being able to do something small, for someone who did so much.

About a week ago Finley was playing with Miles' old cell phone while I was in the bathroom getting ready for the day. "Halo, halo" "bye-bye" and on and on he goes, while "talking" on the phone.

Then he pushed some buttons and I realized that not only has he turned it on, he's making a call. The phone isn't connected to a network, but when I pick it up, this is what I see. Finley had called his Uncle Daren.

It made me laugh. It made me cry. I held the phone to my ear before hanging up, wishing I could hear Daren's voice on the other end.

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Daren's Tribute Video

The Novelty Of It All

Sometimes I miss being the girl who just lost her baby. That sounds crazy and wrong, and hopefully I will be able to explain myself. I don't miss the suffocating feeling or the endless, heavy sobbing. I don't miss the anxiety and fear of facing the outside world and I don't miss the torture I put myself through with all the "what if's." But I miss that the gravity of the situation was so very real. So heartbreaking. So unfathomable. Unfathomable. Even the word brings me right back to when we lost him. We had received a care package from a good friend's parents (Ashley - it was from your folks). In the card she wrote "the depth of your grief is unfathomable" and I appreciated it. I appreciated that she understood that it was something so heartbreaking it couldn't be understood. I guess I miss the outpouring of support and love right after you lose a baby. Ironically you can't appreciate it at the time, at least not fully. And I don't mean to say that I don't have support now, over two years later - because I do and I know that I always will. And I don't want this to come off as a pity party where I fish for words of love and well wishes. It's just that in the summer of 2010 Cale Harrison Hidalgo was born. And he was talked about. And he was prayed for. And he was loved. So very loved.

He always will be - I know this. But it's just different now. Cale was news then. And now. . .well now, there's no new news to share. He's still dead. He still is a heartbreaking story, only most hearts (my own included) have grown bigger and "healed" in some way.

I enjoy getting to share pictures and updates of Finley. I enjoy that there is always something "new" to share. I pray there always will be. Last night Miles was commenting on how crazy it is that Finley just walks everywhere. That it's almost old news. It was big news at the time, but now - well now that's just what he does. He eats lots of the food we eat and he climbs on our furniture and gets haircuts and cuts teeth and does all these things that at one point were new. It was exciting - the novelty of the new things he was doing. But it wears off in a way. Like, I'm not super excited that he's crawling because well, he isn't anymore. Or I'm not crazy impressed that he's sitting up because that's something he's done for a long time now. But . . .he is alive! And the novelty of that will never wear off. Here he is approaching 15 months and I'm still shocked that he is here. That he is doing all these old "news things." But he is. He's here and he's ours and we are just so.very.lucky.

And maybe that's why I miss having just lost Cale. Because the shock of his death hasn't worn off to me. I can run errands and see little boys around his should be age and not have a panic attack. I can laugh and have fun and do normal things. But I am still forever shocked that he didn't make it. That his story is what it is. I guess just as the novelty of Finn's 'aliveness' hasn't worn off, neither has the 'deadness' of Cale.

Sometimes I replay all that happened with Cale. I relive my pregnancy with him and his delivery. I search the past for stories or memories that I've forgotten or haven't yet shared. Because I want there to be something new for him - even two years after his passing. I guess this his how I parent him. This is how I try for him to have a future even though that's impossible.

Before I started typing all this I got a little chilly. (long ago Miles and I made a deal that he can control the temperature settings and I would control the decor of the house. Good deal I think - I just bundle up a lot.) Anyway, I went to go get a sweatshirt and this is the one I grabbed. And it made me smile because of the memories and because it's a part of Cale's story that I haven't shared. At least not with many . . . .

Miles' Uncle is a NYC Cop, hence NYPD

After we learned that Cale's heart had stopped beating, Miles never left the hospital. His brother Daren was still stationed at Fort Benning at the time and he came to the hospital a few times that day/night. I'll never forget the first time he walked in the room. Miles had met him out in the waiting room first. He opened the door for Daren and in he walked. Shaking his head and crying. It was if he was trying to say "I'm so sorry" but he was too shaken up to get any words out. He just walked over and I held out my arms for a hug. And we hugged and cried and I told him it was ok. I didn't mean that what had happened was ok, I meant that it's ok that he was reacting the way he did. I meant that I would somehow come out of this and that somehow we would be ok.

When Daren was killed Miles gave his eulogy. In it he mentioned how heartfelt Daren's reaction to our loss was:

"When my wife Caroline and I lost our son, Daren was the first person to show up at the hospital.  He was still covered in sweat and absolutely nasty from playing racquetball, but he held me and we cried together until we couldn't cry anymore.  I remember talking to my wife about it - it was like Daren had lost a son, the depths of his empathy and heartfelt emotions were so real and so tangible.  If you knew Daren, he always wore his emotions on his sleeve and poured his heart into everything he did." (full eulogy here)

. . . . . . .

I tried to get some sleep while we waited for Cale to be born, but would wake up either crying or because of a painful contraction. I remember waking up once and hearing Miles and Daren talking. I don't know how long he had been there - it was at least his second time back at the hospital and he had brought Miles some clothes. Miles asked for a jacket or something because it was cold in the room. Daren had brought him the navy sweatshirt.

And on the night of June 28, 2010 and the wee hours of the morning the next day, Miles held his first born son wearing that navy NYPD sweatshirt. He walked around the room with Cale coddled in his arms, his tiny little head full of dark brown hair, resting on his Daddy's arm.

At some point Miles' returned the clothes he borrowed to Daren. And we didn't think much about it. But then Daren was killed and all his belongings were sent back to his parents, I wondered about that sweatshirt. I wondered if Daren still had it and if it had made it back with the rest of his things. Miles told his Mom to be on the lookout for it, and sure enough she found it. She mailed it to us and it showed up almost two years to the day after Miles' last wore it, holding his son.

. . . . . . .

As I was getting ready to wrap this post up (because I think it's plenty long enough - congrats if you've read this far!) Finn woke up. He doesn't usually wake up after he's gone to sleep, but woke up crying and stood up in his crib. So I walked in and picked him up. We sat in the chair and rocked. I was wearing the navy sweatshirt - that his brother once touched. And I just started crying. Tears of sadness and tears of joy - all one in the same. Loving a sweet moment with my second son, and still desperately missing my first. The novelty of their lives still unfathomable.

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Celebrate Tomorrow.

Tomorrow marks one year from when my brother-in-law Daren was killed in Afghanistan. It's hard to believe it's been a year since Daren died as sometimes it feels like just yesterday he was giving me a hard time or being the brunt of jokes amongst his siblings. I spent some time tonight going through old pictures, trying to pick out a few to share. But it's hard to just pick out just a few. There are so many wonderful pictures that really capture who Daren was and how he lived his life.

 

Daren was my first salute after I was commissioned. He was also Miles' first salute. 

 

Daren was the Best Man at our Wedding.

When Miles and I were stationed at Ft. Campbell we drove down to Nashville for Flugtag. 

We planned to meet up with Daren who was also there, but did not expect that 

Daren and Miles would be wearing the exact same thing. 

 Daren's Ranger School Graduation (I was 7+ months pregnant with Cale)

 The Ranger Tab was just one of Daren's many accomplishments.

When the anniversary of Cale's birth approached us I wasn't entirely sure how to celebrate him. But with Daren the answer was a little more clear. Celebrate the day. Honor Daren by not just remembering him, but celebrating even the smallest of things.  So that's what we are going to do. We are going to go on a hike with some friends, eat some Mexican food and drink a Yuengling. Daren would have liked that. He celebrated each day to the utmost and we will honor him by doing the same, by being thankful for all that we have (because of people like him) and being thankful that he touched our lives.

I've shared this video before, but it's worth sharing again. Please take a moment to watch it and tomorrow as you go about your day please remember Daren and the lasting legacy he left behind.

TEAM DAREN

This past weekend was a busy one. We had a lot of family and friends come in from all over the country to run and support us in the 2011 Soldier Marathon that we ran in honor of Miles' brother Daren. It was a wonderful event. There ended up being over 50 people who ran as part of "Team Daren" - some running the half marathon, others the relay, and a few brave ones running the full. In addition to the runners we had a really great turnout of supporters. We all wore our Team Daren shirts (the proceeds of which go to Daren's Memorial Fund) and it was so neat to see people sprinkled throughout the almost 2,000 runners wearing a Team Daren shirt or wearing Daren's name on their runners bib.

It was absolutely wonderful to see so many people honoring not just Daren, but all those fallen heroes who deserve continual recognition. One man asked me about Daren during the run and it was nice to be able to talk about him and tell others about what a great person he was.

 I was a little apprehensive about the 13.1 miles I set out to do as I did next to no training, but it ended up going well and being a really fun, really memorable run that I completed along side my sister and close friend. Miles ran the full marathon and I'd like to brag about him for a second. First, he's an idiot because he didn't train for it. But fortunately for him, he's a very fit idiot. He came in at 3 hours, 7 minutes, a time that would qualify him for the 2012 Boston Marathon, but the registration is already closed. And the last three miles he ran in just his socks! His feet started cramping so at mile 23 he took his shoes off and carried them the rest of the way.

He was first in his age group and 16th overall. Sick, right? But I'm so proud and love bragging about him. Here are some more pictures from the race and when you get the chance please read this really great article written by one of the Team Daren participants.

 

Miles with some friends who completed the relay marathon

  With my sister and the littlest Team Daren Supporter

These amazing friends drove from Cincinnati to help and cheer us on!

 One of three Team Daren relay teams

 Proud father. Always.

Daren

The point of this little blog was to keep family and friends updated on what's happening in our lives, but most people know what has been going on these past few days. But I guess I feel the need to write things down - I guess this blog has not just been a way to keep people updated, but to serve a therapeutic purpose for me to deal with all the thoughts and emotions that go hand-in-hand with what is going on in our lives.

On February 20th, my brother-in-law Daren was killed in Afghanistan. Miles, who was also deployed at the time, called that night to tell me he was coming home. I knew something was wrong. I thought he had been hurt. And then he said "Daren was killed today." I'll never forget that phone call. I felt such sadness and such helplessness not being there with Miles.

But feelings of pain and sadness are not all I've felt in the last few days. I've also been overcome with sense of pride. Daren died a hero, but he was already living his life as one.

I first met Daren back at school when Miles and I started dating. In fact, the first time I met him, Miles told him that he would be bringing me home the following month for Thanksgiving. Daren turned and looked directly at me and said, "nah, not family material" and then busted out with the big grin that never left his face. Over the years I'd like to think that Daren and I formed a bond closer than most do with their spouse's siblings. After Miles graduated, Daren and I both were at school together for one more year before I graduated. We lucked out in that Miles and I were stationed at Fort Benning for most of the time Daren was there for his training and schooling prior to heading to his first duty station. So we got to spend a lot of time with him. Miles, Daren and I ran a 10K race together, we enjoyed hearing about all the shenanigans Daren would get into with his friends over the weekend, go on bike rides with him (or Miles would pick him up from a bike ride when Daren got two flat tires). Daren would bring his "lady friends" over to our house for dinners, and Miles helped Daren prepare for Ranger School. Miles deployed while Daren was in Ranger School, but I was lucky to be able to attend his graduation from that as well as his graduation from Airborne School.

And Daren was there for us when we lost Cale. He immediately came to the hospital and cried with us. I remember waking up at one point and Daren was sitting with Miles, staying by his side as we were waiting for the delivery. Daren went to our house and took care of Roscoe while we were still in the hospital. He put away all of the baby things so that they were in the nursery and not throughout the house ready to greet us with a painful reminder of what we were missing. Daren extended his time at Fort Benning to be with us. To help us grieve.

Eventually, he had to move and report to his first duty station in Germany. Of course in typical Daren fashion, it was not an easy transition. His dad came down from Wisconsin to help him pack up his house and move it into our garage before the Army would move his belongings. So for a few weeks, our garage housed all the things important to Daren . . .which included a broken Bow-Flex he bought at a garage sale for $40 and an authentic Mexican Sombrero.

Daren was out on a patrol, leading his Soldiers, the day he was killed by an IED. He was 24 years old. He left behind him an incredible family and hundreds of friends. I think Daren held a special spot in each of his family member's hearts. He was the stereo-typical little brother to his older brothers Jared and Miles, but he handled that role with humor, wit, and above all, very thick skin. And he loved his little sister Carmen in a very evident fashion, in a way of loving we should all strive to display.

We've been going through pictures and reminiscing about the time we had with him. I only knew him six years. I can't imagine the depths of the grief his siblings and parents have and will always have. And there are people who may have only known Daren a few months and they too, feel the pain in losing him. He was more amazing than I'll ever be able to do him justice for him my blog-ramblings, and while I will miss him so much, I am just so incredibly thankful that he was a part of my life. And I'm comforted to know that Daren is in Heaven with his nephew Cale.  And I know he will take good care of him for us, until one day, we all meet again.

 

Best Man at our Wedding.

 Roscoe and his Uncle Daren, watching TV.

Daren's graduation from USMA, May 2009

This is a very special picture for me. It's the last one I took with Daren, but it was also taken three days before Cale was born. So it's also the last living picture I have of Cale - the last picture taken during my pregnancy. I find it very fitting, and incredibly special, that it was taken with Daren.