How Quickly Things Change

I debated whether or not I would share anymore posts relating to my miscarriage, but I recently heard of a someone else's loss and decided that this would be worth sharing. Because people have told me that by opening up about baby loss, and all the experiences and complexities of it, it helps others understand, show compassion, give support, etc. And if just one person can benefit from this and help just one other person - then it's worth it for me to continue to share these personal reflections. The first is just a short entry I wrote one night when I had only known I was pregnant for a couple weeks. The second, written one month later, is a recap of the day I got the D&E.

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Originally written September 23, 2012:

Dear #3,

My friend Brooke had a clever nickname for her second baby while she was pregnant. . .the Deuce. Her first baby Eliza passed away too soon, like your brother Cale. I kinda wonder if we should have a nickname for you before we know a little more about who you are (ie –if you are a lad or a lassie).

I just felt compelled to write you tonight. At this moment, at only six weeks pregnant, and totally unsure what the future holds, I am incredibly excited about you – about the idea of you, about the life that we could maybe have with you. And I’m really happy to be this excited. Here I am, pregnant for the third time, with a history that could rightfully so make me want to crawl into a hole and wait for nine months to hopefully pass uneventfully, but instead, right now, I am just happy. So thank you baby – thank you for exciting us with possibility.

I love you already.

-Mom

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Originally written October 25, 2012:

The D&E was today. We woke up early to be at the hospital by 6:30, and to drop Finn off at a friend’s house. Sadly, this meant Miles actually got to sleep in a little bit. But it was a very early morning for Finn and me – we sure do love our sleep.

I looked for something to wear that I could maybe throw out later. Because whatever shirt I put on I would always associate it with the shirt I wore to the hospital the day I had a D&E. I remember doing the same thing with a bra I wore during Cale’s delivery. I had to throw it out. It was forever ruined.

I looked in the mirror and told Miles that my successful pregnancy outcome was one in three. He gave me a kiss and said if I was a baseball player that would be a good thing. I smiled briefly, then continued to get ready.

We got to the hospital and checked in with no problems except that we were already running late and didn't know it. Apparently we should have been there at 5:30 but were told the wrong time. They took care of all the pre-op stuff pretty fast though and all the nurses were wonderfully kind. I had blood drawn, an EKG (should something have gone wrong during the procedure they would have had this baseline), they put funny boot/socks things on to prevent blood clots in my legs, started an IV in my hand, took my blood pressure and all the other stand questions and pre-op procedures.

Eventually Miles was let back and sat with me as they started some of the meds. I remember talking to him and getting heavy eyes. And then I remember being in the surgery room and talking to my doctor. Don’t remember getting there though or saying goodbye to Miles. I remember asking if this is where they did C-Sections because it looked like it from pictures of C-Sections I've seen. I vaguely remember having to move to a different bed (gurney?) and I don’t remember much else – I remember a slight burning and tingling sensation as they administer the anesthesia and I’m not sure, but I think I said “my son who passed away was named Cale” – I think I wanted to tell my doctor that for some reason. She is kind and sweet, but his name had never come up in any of my previous appointments. I guess when I was woozy on meds and on my way out, it was important to tell her. After the surgery was complete she went to give Miles an update and had told him that I had gotten a little emotional. Maybe that’s what she was referring to. Before the surgery they said they’d need to put a tube in my throat to help me breathe. They didn't need to put one all the way in, but the air that was going in really dried out my throat and mouth and even as I type this at 9pm at night, my throat is probably the main physical discomfort I have.

When I “woke up” I was in another room. I said my throat hurt and they brought me some ice chips. The nurses were just as kind as they had been before everything. I smiled and asked my doctor if I still had my uterus. She said I sure did. Yesterday I had to sign some paperwork stating that in the event of an emergency or severe hemorrhaging  that a hysterectomy would be performed. Obviously a very, very rare and minor risk. But seeing as though statistics don’t really encourage me much anymore, it was nice to hear that everything was still intact when I woke up.

Then I was wheeled back to a room similar to the post-op room and Miles was let back to see me. He said my Doctor had come out to let him know that everything went fine and she thinks she got most of the tissue so I shouldn't bleed as much. I had to take some meds, go to the bathroom, and sign some papers and then was discharged only a few hours after arriving. I wasn't in much pain and haven’t really been throughout the day. Just tired and a little crampy. And my damn throat is annoying me more than anything. But overall, not a very physically demanding day. The emotional aspects are obviously different than the physical ones. I’ll work through those later though because they will be there for a while. For now, I’m headed back to bed.

. . . . . . . . . . . . 

My miscarriage was not quite six weeks ago. I'm at a much better place of acceptance with it all than I was five weeks ago and I think the same will be true six weeks from now. I think a lot of that has to do with our experience with Cale - with losing a child that we saw, held, and felt like we knew. But a loss is still a loss and it's hard.

My friend Brooke (same one mentioned above) wrote a beautiful piece today about how far you can come from such horrible tragedy, and how much you can gain from it - but at the end of the day, how painfully sad and unfair it all still is. Please read her post as she writes it much better than I ever could.

To Addison and Andrew and Eliza . . .Happy Birthday precious ones. Wish you were here. 

................................................................................................

Home Sweet Home

When Miles and I first got married we lived in an apartment in Clarksville, Tennessee while stationed at our first duty assignment located in Fort Campbell, Kentucky (for those not affiliated with the Army - Ft. Campbell is on the TN/KY border). We didn't live there long before we both deployed to Afghanistan and within a month of returning the following year, we moved again - Miles to Fort Benning, Georgia and me to Fort Jackson, South Carolina. Miles deployed again almost immediately (for only a few months this time) and the timing was actually good as I was in school (captains career course) in South Carolina so we were already going to be separated. I finished the career course a week after Miles came back from Afghanistan. When I moved down to Georgia we had been married for 28 months. We had lived together for seven. So needless to say, it was wonderful to be under the same roof.

That roof was our first house which I've talked about here. I miss that house and the memories created in it, but the Army definitely teaches you that no matter where you are, as long as you are with those you love, you can make it home. I don't really want to test that theory on places like Fort Polk, Louisiana, and kind of feel like we are paying our dues here in central Texas, but hey, it could be worse.

We definitely made our house in Georgia a home. And I think we're managing to do the same here. Recently, I hung something special in our home and I wanted to share. When we closed on the house in Georgia, we received a needlepoint with the following letter from Miles' mom:

. . . . . . . . . . . . 

Dear Miles and Caroline,       
                                                
The following story is true. 

     On a cold October evening in 1983 the Duty Train pulled into the station in Berlin, Germany. The Soldiers from 3rd Battalion, 6th Infantry Brigade were returning from a field training exercise in the zone. Several of the troops were ill. Within days, two battalion wives mysteriously miscarried. I was called to come to the hospital ASAP, my unborn child of three months and I were at risk. We were put in isolation in a hyper-oxygenated room with an antibiotic IV, IV, oxygen, fetal monitors, heart and blood pressure monitors, and warming booties (my feet were cold). For days we stayed in isolation. My husband, Jorge, and young son, Jared, visited occasionally waving from the glass window across the room. I passed the hours reading, praying, and working on a needlepoint kit. The kit was done with each stitch taken in deliberate hope. The kit title was "Home Sweet Home." We were discharged when risk passed. I framed and hung the work above our crib, anxious to bring my baby home. 

     Our child was born healthy on April 13, 1984. He had an unusual birthmark on his tummy shaped like a kiss. The nurses and I knew that was where the Angel kissed him six months before. He would not go to Heaven early but would go home safe. The embroidery has hung in all our homes since. It is yours now. May you both always come home safe and believe each house you make your home is Home Sweet Home. 

Love, 
Mom

The needlepoint and the letter are hanging in our current home, side-by-side.
. . . . . . . . . . . . 

And because I'm the best wife ever, and Miles is in the field (again!) and unable to stop me, I went in search of a picture of him without a shirt on to showcase said birthmark. I threw an arrow on there because I knew it'd be hard to focus on the task at hand with adorable 11 month old Finn in the picture. But can you see his lip shaped birthmark? I love it. And I love it even more knowing the full story behind it.

Wherever we are - as long as I've got these guys, I know it will be Home Sweet Home.

................................................................................................

Cloth Diaper Convert

A few weeks ago I switch Finn to cloth diapers. And I freakin' love it. Seriously, I was warned that it can be addicting which seemed weird, but everyone I know who cloth diapers really seems to enjoy it. And now I see why! I researched for several weeks and shopped around for what I wanted based off different recommendations, websites, and blogs I read. I nagged my friends Lynn, Ashley, and Brooke for information and they all were (are!) incredibly helpful (and patient) and on Finn's 17 month birthday (not planned, just coincidental) I switched him to cloth and haven't looked back.

 My handsome boy on day one of cloth diapers.

I wanted to switch to cloth because now that I'm staying at home it's actually a viable option for us. We are also down a paycheck, so I'm always looking for ways to save money and cloth diapering definitely saves you a lot. The other thing was that I really do believe in recycling and reducing the amount of waste we produce. I wasn't always good about this, but it seems that since I've stayed home I've become much more conscious of all we throw out and try to make a focused effort on reducing that. Maybe it's the inner hippie in me that I didn't know existed, but I genuinely feel good every time I change a diaper and I know I'll be reusing it. Also, they are stinkin' adorable. I mean who doesn't love a little fire truck booty:

The start up cost definitely is noticeable, but spending a chunk of money on cloth diapers really didn't bother me because I knew that in the long run this would save money. Even starting Finn late in the game, I will save money on the disposable diapers he would have gone through before being potty trained. I shopped around and tried to get deals where I could, found some places that offered discounts when you buy packages, I found one store in Austin that gives a military discount, and I bought different brands, which all helped save some money. But I still spent a little over $300 to get everything I needed which included all the diapers, cloth wipes (yup, doing that too), wet bags, a pail, diaper sprayer, cloth diaper rash cream (which I have only used once), spray for the wipes/bum, detergent, and extra inserts.

At this age Finn was going through 6-8 diapers a day and when I did the math, and was assuming Finn ONLY went through six diapers a day, it still costs us roughly $655.77 a year to outfit Finn in Pampers diapers (that was the brand we've always used that's worked best for him - I also did the math based on the cost of a box of size three diapers). So the way I see it, I only have to cloth diaper for about six months (less really if you consider that he goes through more than six diapers some days) for the diapers to pay for themselves and anything after that is just sweet, sweet savings. And seeing as though I don't think he will be potty trained before two (cause let's be honest - he's a boy), I think we will see the savings with him alone. And if one day we are lucky enough to have another kiddo - using these diapers a second time around would easily save us a couple thousand dollars. And I'm not even factoring in the costs of disposable wipes, diaper gene refills, etc. I've played with the numbers a lot. I've calculated the cost if we used different (cheaper) brands, and every single time the cost of disposables is far greater than the one time cost of cloth.

As I mentioned before, I bought several brands. I was leery of just buying one style because what works for one baby may not work for another. So far, I really have no complaints about any of them and am figuring out which ones work best for different situations (bedtime, nap time, going out, etc). My friend Ashley shared this blog with me which at first was really overwhelming, but after figuring out what different styles of diapers are available and the cloth diaper lingo, it became a really helpful blog when deciding what to get Finn. I also pestered Brooke for help and re-read her cloth diaper post several times, and found the cloth diaper post from Young House Love helpful as well.

That one on the bottom left as little math problems all over it. And the top right, bicycles! 

Does it get any cuter!?

I still will use disposable from time to time when the situation calls for it (travel, etc) and I use disposable wipes when the situation calls for it (gross poos!) but we have been able to totally switch to cloth at all other times - even during the night and Finn sleeps like a teenager, so I was pleasantly surprised when he was waking up in dry pajamas when he used to leak through disposables some nights.

Freshly washed diaps! And yes, I color coordinate his diaper with his outfit from time to time

Right now I am using Rockin' Green detergent, but also bought Country Save to try next. I throw a load of diapers in the wash at the end of each day, but probably could wash them every other day if I wanted. I have the BumGenius Diaper Sprayer, which is helpful for particularly gross poops, but my initial complaint with it was that it was too powerful and this house has small, shallow toilet bowls (read - poop water was spraying where it shouldn't!) but after adjusting the sprayer some it is fine now, also as long as Finn is regular - his poops can just be flopped off from the diaper directly into the toilet with no spraying needed (you're welcome for the visual). At first the poop thing was Miles' biggest complaint about me wanting to switch to cloth and the first time he changed a poopy diaper I heard a panicked cry for help from the nursery - "honey! honey get in here! There's poop in here! What do I do!?" But he has manned up (a little) and is adjusting well. I've learned that there are many different ways to wash the diapers and think I've found a good routine for now. After the wash I hang them out to dry, step away and bask in the glory that is cloth diapering.

My biggest complaint thus far? I just wish I had made the switch sooner.

................................................................................................

Dadda's Boy

Finn is a total Dadda's Boy. When Miles gets home from work, Finn wants nothing to do with me. Well, he makes it clear during the day that Dadda is always on his mind. Everything is Dadda this and Dadda that. It's with random things too - he'll look outside or hear a noise and say Dadda. My favorite was when a commercial for James Bond came on, Finn pointed at the TV and said Dadda. Ok kiddo - I won't argue with that one. Daniel Craig can be Dadda.

But seriously, he is all about the Dadda in this house.

And most times I think it's really adorable. I love seeing how excited he get to see Miles walk in the door, love seeing them play together, read together, and bond as father and son. Miles gives Finn all of his baths (unless he's gone training or something) and is so involved with him. When Miles works out in his man-cave garage gym Finn wants to be out there with him. In fact, Finn will now pick up items and squat them. I need to catch it on video because it's pretty cute.

So yes, I love my Dadda's boy and I love that he has a Dadda who loves him so much.

But sometimes it gets annoying, not gonna lie. It damages my Mama ego when I just want my baby boy to love on me the way he does on his Dadda. I kid you not, I went to kiss him the other day and he PUSHED MY FACE AWAY! Then Miles gave him a kiss and he giggled! What gives!? I mean really, have we so quickly forgotten the nine stressful months I carried you? The fact that I birthed you and nursed you for almost a year and stressed about every single drop of milk that I did everything in my power to produce for you? Have we forgotten who stopped working to stay home with you, feed you and take care of you day in and day out?! Have we forgotten all that, Finn!?

I think when you watch these videos you'll know the answer to that. (you probably will only be able to view from a computer - for some reason they don't load on phones/iPads)

This first one was a few weeks ago when Miles was outside mowing the lawn. Finn was fussy because he had to hang out inside with Mom:

And these were taken just about two weeks ago when Miles was away for work. I sent them to him to let him know how loved he is. Clearly a lot:

Sigh. . . 

................................................................................................

One Month Ago

Originally written October 24, 2012

................................................................................................

Well it’s over as soon as it seemed to begin. Last night I couldn't sleep. I was nervous and anxious and excited for my appointment. For our first ultrasound, or a chance to hear the baby via the doppler. But “unfortunately,” she said. . . “there is no heartbeat is there?” I finished for her. I could see for myself. See the little baby. See the lack of a flicker.

I was nine weeks six days. Would have been ten weeks that night. The baby measured nine weeks three days. So it happened recently. My appointment was on a Wednesday. I had commented to Miles that starting Monday I was feeling “normal” and not really pregnant anymore. Maybe that’s when it happened. Maybe that’s when it ended.

I cried because it sucks. I cried because for the third time I’m pregnant, yet I only have one living child at home. I cried because as much as I knew this could happen, maybe as much as I subconsciously even expected it to happen, it still sucks. Because his or her heart did beat at some point. Because a baby grew and started to develop. But then it all stopped. And I had to look at another ultrasound of a baby without a heartbeat.

In a whirlwind of a day, a confirmation ultrasound later and a few follow up appointments, we have elected to get a D&E tomorrow morning. Less than 24 hours after learning that pregnancy #3 would not come to fruition. I guess a D&E involves suction where a D&C involves scraping of the uterine lining. How miserably awful they both sound. Given the other options – wait it out naturally (not an option for us as Miles leaves next week and not to mention how unlikely that would be to happen anytime soon given the point at which the baby had developed to and the fact that my body is showing no signs of miscarrying on its own), or take some meds to make it happen at home (which may not work as my Dr. said they usually are better for very early on (the 6-8 week range) and if they don’t work I have to try again or go with the surgical option anyway and oh by the way, the meds make you miserably sick). Or option three – undergo a D&E. She had a cancellation for the very next day. We decided that was best. Best of the worst options available.

It’s hard. I feel set back. I feel upset and angry and just in shock by how horrible our luck seems to be, yet I know we’ll be ok. I know this is a set back and we’ll get through it. We've been through worse.

As tears rolled down my eyes looking at yet another still baby on the ultrasound machine, I said “I’d rather know now than 39 weeks.” And I would. I’d rather go through a rough few days or weeks, but know that this is “common” and that I’m now just able to check the block where a lot of other women have had to check before. Really, I know very, very few people who haven’t had a miscarriage.

But . . .  it still just sucks. And I’m still just so sad.

................................................................................................