November 24, 2012

One Month Ago


Originally written October 24, 2012
................................................................................................

Well it’s over as soon as it seemed to begin. Last night I couldn't sleep. I was nervous and anxious and excited for my appointment. For our first ultrasound, or a chance to hear the baby via the doppler. But “unfortunately,” she said. . . “there is no heartbeat is there?” I finished for her. I could see for myself. See the little baby. See the lack of a flicker.

I was nine weeks six days. Would have been ten weeks that night. The baby measured nine weeks three days. So it happened recently. My appointment was on a Wednesday. I had commented to Miles that starting Monday I was feeling “normal” and not really pregnant anymore. Maybe that’s when it happened. Maybe that’s when it ended.

I cried because it sucks. I cried because for the third time I’m pregnant, yet I only have one living child at home. I cried because as much as I knew this could happen, maybe as much as I subconsciously even expected it to happen, it still sucks. Because his or her heart did beat at some point. Because a baby grew and started to develop. But then it all stopped. And I had to look at another ultrasound of a baby without a heartbeat.

In a whirlwind of a day, a confirmation ultrasound later and a few follow up appointments, we have elected to get a D&E tomorrow morning. Less than 24 hours after learning that pregnancy #3 would not come to fruition. I guess a D&E involves suction where a D&C involves scraping of the uterine lining. How miserably awful they both sound. Given the other options – wait it out naturally (not an option for us as Miles leaves next week and not to mention how unlikely that would be to happen anytime soon given the point at which the baby had developed to and the fact that my body is showing no signs of miscarrying on its own), or take some meds to make it happen at home (which may not work as my Dr. said they usually are better for very early on (the 6-8 week range) and if they don’t work I have to try again or go with the surgical option anyway and oh by the way, the meds make you miserably sick). Or option three – undergo a D&E. She had a cancellation for the very next day. We decided that was best. Best of the worst options available.

It’s hard. I feel set back. I feel upset and angry and just in shock by how horrible our luck seems to be, yet I know we’ll be ok. I know this is a set back and we’ll get through it. We've been through worse.

As tears rolled down my eyes looking at yet another still baby on the ultrasound machine, I said “I’d rather know now than 39 weeks.” And I would. I’d rather go through a rough few days or weeks, but know that this is “common” and that I’m now just able to check the block where a lot of other women have had to check before. Really, I know very, very few people who haven’t had a miscarriage.

But . . .  it still just sucks. And I’m still just so sad.


................................................................................................

12 comments:

  1. I'm glad you're letting this all out. Emotionally, I know you've been through worse, but it's an awful mix of emotions to go through nonetheless. Negotiating over the time of loss is something I've done many times. After I had my early miscarriage in August, I thought, "ok, good. Better now than in 12 weeks, or 20 weeks...just please never again at the end. Give me the least cruel scenario. I've been through one of the cruelest...just not that again...."

    I still play those mind games of loss. It's a completely unfair reality we live in.

    I hope you're doing well, and I thank you for sharing this.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so sorry. I am thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You know this breaks my heart in a way I didn't think it would. Maybe because you are my friend and I care about your heart. Maybe because I know that 9 week old baby turns into a 39 week old baby. Maybe because we have all lost too much already. I know it isn't the same, but it is still sad and the loss is also of the possibility of a sibling for Finn. Sending a giant hug.

    ReplyDelete
  4. But it still just sucks...so true. Been thinking about you lots. Xxxooo

    ReplyDelete
  5. Still think of you very often!
    Lots of love and prayers coming your way!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Best of the worst options available.....I definitely understand that. With my first miscarriage that's exactly how we felt as well.

    And you're right- it just sucks. So bad. Thinking of you often ♥

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm so sorry, Caroline. When a baby is loved and wanted, the loss is so significant, no matter how many weeks. Thinking of you and Miles.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm so sorry, Caroline. It just seems like after the shit we go through, that we shouldn't have to go through these things, even if a lot of other people do. But we know better. Thinking of you guys.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm sure the worst part (besides wondering WHY) are the questions and uncertainty that still remain...that fear for the future. I know you felt it with Finn, too, and probably still feel the worries many days even while he's in your arms. So my continued prayer for you--besides hope--is real, true peace. Because you of all people deserve a future filled with hope and peace instead of just anxiety.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm really sorry. I just found you through a comment on another blog (I think Maybe If You Just Relax?) and read your story. I have this theory that having babies should be merit based. The good parents (or at the very least, the "fit" parents, not the drug addicts, teenagers, etc.) should get the babies, without the heartache. And clearly you deserve to have this be easy. Miscarriage stinks, no doubt about it, and I'm really sorry to hear you, too, are going through it this month (I'm having my third in a year...it's a skill I really could have done without honing). Take good care of yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  11. What a precious ultrasound photo. Absolutely heartbreaking. And so sad. Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  12. Yes, a very sweet photo. I am so sorry. xoxo

    ReplyDelete