One Month Ago

Originally written October 24, 2012

................................................................................................

Well it’s over as soon as it seemed to begin. Last night I couldn't sleep. I was nervous and anxious and excited for my appointment. For our first ultrasound, or a chance to hear the baby via the doppler. But “unfortunately,” she said. . . “there is no heartbeat is there?” I finished for her. I could see for myself. See the little baby. See the lack of a flicker.

I was nine weeks six days. Would have been ten weeks that night. The baby measured nine weeks three days. So it happened recently. My appointment was on a Wednesday. I had commented to Miles that starting Monday I was feeling “normal” and not really pregnant anymore. Maybe that’s when it happened. Maybe that’s when it ended.

I cried because it sucks. I cried because for the third time I’m pregnant, yet I only have one living child at home. I cried because as much as I knew this could happen, maybe as much as I subconsciously even expected it to happen, it still sucks. Because his or her heart did beat at some point. Because a baby grew and started to develop. But then it all stopped. And I had to look at another ultrasound of a baby without a heartbeat.

In a whirlwind of a day, a confirmation ultrasound later and a few follow up appointments, we have elected to get a D&E tomorrow morning. Less than 24 hours after learning that pregnancy #3 would not come to fruition. I guess a D&E involves suction where a D&C involves scraping of the uterine lining. How miserably awful they both sound. Given the other options – wait it out naturally (not an option for us as Miles leaves next week and not to mention how unlikely that would be to happen anytime soon given the point at which the baby had developed to and the fact that my body is showing no signs of miscarrying on its own), or take some meds to make it happen at home (which may not work as my Dr. said they usually are better for very early on (the 6-8 week range) and if they don’t work I have to try again or go with the surgical option anyway and oh by the way, the meds make you miserably sick). Or option three – undergo a D&E. She had a cancellation for the very next day. We decided that was best. Best of the worst options available.

It’s hard. I feel set back. I feel upset and angry and just in shock by how horrible our luck seems to be, yet I know we’ll be ok. I know this is a set back and we’ll get through it. We've been through worse.

As tears rolled down my eyes looking at yet another still baby on the ultrasound machine, I said “I’d rather know now than 39 weeks.” And I would. I’d rather go through a rough few days or weeks, but know that this is “common” and that I’m now just able to check the block where a lot of other women have had to check before. Really, I know very, very few people who haven’t had a miscarriage.

But . . .  it still just sucks. And I’m still just so sad.

................................................................................................