Since my time in the Army is ending in the next few months (finally!), I recently went to request copies of all my medical records. All my appointments, labs, exams, deliveries, all of it. I received a massive file. Probably a quarter of it paperwork from my pregnancy with Finn which didn't surprise me - after all, I probably had close to fifty appointments during my pregnancy with him. But when going through that massive stack of papers I of course couldn't help but get very emotional when looking through all the records of my appointments with Cale. He was always the perfect baby -always growing right on track, healthy, and always (until the end) easy to hear on the doppler. I read through my last appointment - June 24, 2010. It was a routine appointment. No surprises. I was 2cm dilated, 80% effaced and had a healthy baby with a nice strong heartbeat. Four days later, the paperwork would tell another story. Four days later my hospital records would show nasty four-letter words like IUFD - intrauterine fetal demise. It gives me the chills to even see that word, much less type it. I sat looking through my medical records for a good thirty minutes. I read doctor's notes like "patient had previous stillbirth at 39 weeks," or "patient still grieving the loss of her son, but is physically healing well" or "Gravida - 2 (when I was pregnant with Finn), Living Children at home - 0" and it still feels surreal at times. Like I'm reading someone else's very sad, sad story. But it's my story, and my name all over the pages, and my baby who is referred to as a "loss," a "demise" and it breaks my heart every time.
I'm not really sure where this post is going. I think I'm just in a mood. I think I'm just missing my boy. I can't wait to go home and kiss his brother and squeeze him tight. I just wish I was going home to two little boys.
I've mentioned our friends the Hopes before. Their son Johnathan was stillborn three months to the day after we lost Cale. Greg (the dad) was in our wedding and one of Miles' good friends. Miles and Greg are really close with another guy, Kyle, from college who was also in our wedding. Our friend Kyle's wife gave birth via emergency c-section on Saturday. Their son Andy was born at 35 weeks and is doing well, but will be in the NICU for a little bit to help his lungs mature some more. His mom has HELLPS Syndrome and is in the ICU at another hospital. She hasn't even met her son yet. Kyle, who got back from deployment less than a week ago, is driving back and forth between two hospitals to check on his little family. And I just can't help but wonder what happened!? What happened to the world where people just got pregnant and had babies and lived happily ever after?! Was I really that naive to think, to hope, that it would work out that way? I guess so. Because in our small little circle of friends there has been too much loss and too much tribulation to bring babies into this world. Babies who are wanted and loved. We aren't a bunch of crack addicts. We aren't a bunch of child abusers. We are insured and educated and responsible people. So why us? Why any of us?
Our little Cale would have been 18 months at the end of this month. I'm sure he would have been adorable. He was adorable. He was so much more than my medical records convey. So, so much more.