July 19, 2012

God Talk and Luck

Finn is one of the lucky ones. He made it here safely and is healthy. He's a beautiful boy who I soak up every day. He drives me nuts at times (like when he is sassy and swats my hands away at dinner or squirms all over when getting his diaper changed - "oh, I'm sorry - am I taking too long wiping YOUR butt and cleaning up YOUR nasty poop?"), but regardless of his sass or (or his ass), I am so incredibly lucky. And he's so lucky to be here. Because we aren't all this fortunate. Sometimes I get sad and upset about what happened to Cale and make it too much about myself but really, it's about him. It's about the little boy who never got to even take one breath after he was born. Whose luck ran out far too soon.

My friend's friend just lost a baby. Every time I hear of a new loss my heart just sinks. It just doesn't end. Some people, some babies, just aren't lucky. But some, thankfully most, are.

I wrote her friend a note as she hadn't yet given birth at the time. I just wanted to share my experience and arm her with some information before it was too late (such as Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, etc.). I also told her that I am sorry for all the well intentioned comments that she will hear that will hurt regardless. People will say things like "This is part of God's plan" or "Everything happens for a reason" and regardless of what you believe, it doesn't change the sadness you feel or the grief that you have for losing your child. I believe in a God who has never left my side. I believe in a God that I can pray to and give my thanks to, but I don't believe Cale dying was part of His plan. He didn't take my child from me. Bad things happen. I don't blame God for them. When Cale died, and when bad things do happen, I believe that God is there. To provide comfort and love and support, but the God I believe in is just as sad that my baby died and grieves along with me. I believe that God, with sadness in his heart for the pain in ours, took my son in His loving arms. Not because he planned to take him away from me after nine months, but because something awful and unforeseeable happened, and He was there with us in the midst of all of it.

I had so many plans and dreams for Cale. Just as I'm sure this poor family I just learned of had for their baby. The loss doesn't end with the child. The loss extends to all the things you wanted for them and wanted to do with them.

I have plans and dreams for Finn too. I dream that he will be happy and successful and kind. I dream that he will never know loss the way his father and I have, yet will be compassionate to those who unfortunately will. I dream that he will outlive me by many, many years and will get to have dreams for his own kids some day.

I dream that he will be lucky all the days of his life.



  1. This is a post much similar to my own heart. I feel the same way. About my own living son. About my own firstborn. About God. About other people and their losses. About being lucky and thankful.

  2. Your words are true. He is still there but sometimes seems so far away when we have to deal with trauma and grief...but He is still there! Just like He is holding Cale on His lap He holds His arms out to us as well! Such a good feeling!
    I am sorry to hear about this loss. Babies are so precious!

  3. This is a really beautiful post Caroline. It makes my heart sink to hear of new losses as well. I'm glad you were able to share what you (unfortunately) already know. I wish I would have been able to get advice before Addi was born. I also feel the same in regards to God. I couldn't believe in a God that would take my daughter, but I can believe in a God that is grieving with me and holding my girl tight until I get there.

    Unlucky...that's what it is and like you I hope these little siblings have all the luck in the world. Living for us, living for their older siblings and really living for themselves.

  4. Beautiful post. I am so grateful for your kindness in reaching out to my friend and for sharing your journey and Cale's legacy with us all.

  5. Thanks for sharing. Even though it has to come from a place of loss and grief, your honesty is so appreciated. I think that's the hardest part about this world of ours...no matter how much faith we have, and no matter how much God grieves with us, it doesn't undo the tragedy and we will receive an explanation-not in this world, at least. But thank God that He is still there, and holding you AND Cale at the same time (and all the other families and lost babies) through it all.

  6. I received an email just today from a mama who lost her daughter, Harper, to SIDS in June and reached out to me. Just like you said, my heart just sinks every time I hear of another baby gone too soon and feel so much pain for their grieving family. It never ends but I so wish it did and that no one ever had to feel the pain that is our hearts.

    I love the picture of you and Cale and the quote. Miss you.

  7. Everything about this is terribly true. Loss, not unlike love, is forever. :/

  8. Not sure how I'm only just now seeing this post, but I really appreciate your words and heart. I have struggled with how my Caroline's life fits into His plan, what His role was. Was it His plan all along to take her? Honestly, I've probably made the whole situation more painful for myself at times because I wouldn't allow myself to just believe that He is just as hurt as I am over losing her. I mean, how could he really care about little me? But I've gotten there. He has
    been there, beside me, close to me, holding me. I have not survived to this point without strength provided by Him.

    I also hope for my children to be lucky and blessed. I pray that they'll outlive me by lots of years too.

    I just learned of a family who lost their firstborn son in the 36th week. I honestly just broke down crying for them. I didn't know of hardly any of these stories before we lost Caroline, but it seems they are all too common. It just breaks my heart to see another family walk this path. I wrote to them to share my story and experience, but I wish I could do more, you know?

    Glad you're able to reach out and offer valuable, but hard gained, knowledge.

    Beautiful post.

  9. Gah, more tears. Every time I see or hear that little saying/quote, I literally cry out bc it hurts so bad. But I love it and hope it's the case up there!

  10. Thank you for expressing your feelings, and beliefs. I think we share some very similar views. I too believe that God did not take my son, or will him to live or die. I believe bad things happen...and God is still there.

    I feel it is hard - but you've expressed it so perfectly. D's family is very religious...and the older generations have told me that God wanted me to have an angel. That this was Gods plan. It is very hard for me to talk with them, because I fear if I debate their views, they will assume I don't believe in God.

    There were many windows of opportunity for my son to be born alive...but they let me go...I was healthy...baby seemed healthy...so they let me go. I do not believe God let him die...I believe things were missed, mistakes were made...and we got really unlucky.

    You've expressed everything so beautifully, so perfectly.
    Thank you for sharing - and sorry I'm commenting so late.