October 12, 2012

The Baby Loss "Holiday"

October 15th is around the corner - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. For the past two years I made candles for the day that I sent out to Family and friends. I didn't do it this year and it's not because the day is any less important, but really - because I've been traveling. And I'm lazy. And cheap. Terrible reasoning, I know, but over the last two years my list of people I'd want to send a candle to has grown so much and that gets expensive. But I still invite all of my lovely friends and family to join with me and Miles as we light a candle on October 15th. The "Wave of Light" takes place at 7pm - wherever you are living. But really, if at any point in the day you take the time to light a candle - not just in loving memory of our sweet boy, but for all those babies who are loved and missed, I would be really grateful for it.

Last year we acknowledged Cale by releasing balloons with many other families who had suffered the loss of a child. It was a really peaceful day and having Finn in our arms definitely took the sting out a little. But only a little, because no matter how many children you have - if you have lost one, there will always be a void. Always. The other week at the library a woman was there with two boys. I asked how close in age they were. "11 months" she replied. It caught me off guard. Because my boys are only 11.5 months apart. And I wanted to tell her about our connection - about how I too had boys close in age. But I wanted more than that. I wanted her to see my two boys. I wanted them to be running around together like these other brothers were doing. And I know logically that we wouldn't have planned to have kids so close in age had Cale lived, but I don't just automatically go to a place of logic. I got to a place of emotion. A place where I think how wonderful it would be to have them both. A place where I just miss Cale and all that should have been. All that could have been.

Miles and I often see a strong resemblance in Finn to his cousin Carson. He squints and makes these faces that I've seen Carson make before. And while I love that connection, it does make me sad knowing that maybe his brother would have looked like that too. I could see a resemblance between Cale and Finn when Finn was just a little guy - I mostly noticed it when he slept, especially as a newborn. But as he has grown and developed into this little boy, I don't really see his brother anymore. I wish I did. I wish I knew what Cale looked like as a toddler. I wish I knew if he would have made those same silly "stink faces" where he squints his eyes and nose all at once. I wish I got to hold him close and kiss him goodnight. I wish so much for my firstborn. So much that will never come to fruition.

So instead I do what I can for him. I will light a candle and say a prayer. I will tell him I love him, and hold him close to my heart. Not just on October 15th, but especially then.

I'd love for you to join me.


  1. Oh Caroline, such sweet heartbreaking words.

    I took a look at your photo sessions as you went from fully pregnant, birth, and home with a new born. I saw Finn so fresh, and so new making his debut. (it really was amazing to witness, and I cried my eyes out for all the happy and the sad reasons) and it made me think of siblings. As babies, they look like could be twins...so closely resembling each other. And days, or sometimes months can pass, and they're entirely different looking individuals. Sure, they still look related! But it's like they completely shed that spot on resemblance.

    I saw it in pictures of me and my sister, D's 2 nieces... We and they are just so completely different looking now. I know that short glimpse of my son will all I'll get in this life.

    I will be lighting a candle on the 15th, and I hold so many babies close my heart.

    Thinking of you and yours. Thank you for this post

  2. You know I will be doing this!
    I actually just bought 2 new candles today so it will be perfect!!

  3. Anytime I see two sisters close in age, my heart skips some beats. It's so hard to think of all the "should have beens."

    Beautiful post.

  4. Done! I will also do what I can for him and you too.

  5. We have our candles ready for sweet Cale. And I think it's wonderful that there are too many people on your list to mail candles to...it shows just how many people love him and how many lives he's touched.

  6. will be lighting a candle with you tonight. I forget that you aren't on Instagram with the rest of us (hint, hint!!), but we were just discussing how similar Kellan and Hayes look. And I love that I can see it, but I know it will fade as time passes since I've not seen Hayes as anything but a baby. :/

  7. my candle is lit and I'm thinking of Cale. I still see Eliza in Caro's face when she's sleeping, but I wish I could know how much they look alike and how different they might be.

  8. I love your idea of sending candles....maybe if I can get my shit together next year I will totally copy you :)

    It does really sting to meet people with kids the same age as BOTH would be. I'm with you, we wouldn't have planned for Mason had Addi lived, but logic isn't there, only emotion.