May 23, 2013

May 23rd

Today was my due date for my last pregnancy.

A pregnancy that never got to be anything more than 10 weeks.

After awhile I stopped thinking about how far along I should have been. I stopped comparing myself to others who were due, and have gone on to have babies, around the time I was due. At some point it stopped being my reality, as much as I had hoped it would have been.

It makes me a little sad. To think of the could-have-been. But, well, what are you going to do?

In four days I'll participate in my first triathlon. So I guess that's what I'll do. A newborn would have been amazing, but there are lots of things in life that would have been amazing, and fortunately, lots that still are.

And honestly today has just been another day. A good day even. I ate grocery store sushi that was delicious yet I know that just sounds so incredibly gross. We went to a BBQ at a nearby lake and watched Finn throw rocks in the "baba" over and over and over. And I got to attend another Favorite Things Party (score!) and walk away with new treats.

Life doesn't go according to plan. But it seems to still go in a good direction most days. So that's something.



  1. I wish all of your babies were snuggled in your arms tonight (and every night). xoxo

  2. I find it amazing how quickly we blend our heartache into our lives. How quickly it becomes our normal even though we would never want it for ourselves. Sometimes grocery store sushi and playing in the baba is exactly what a soul needs! Thinking of you and your babies. Good luck at the triathlon!

  3. Wouldn't it be nice if life did go according to our plan?

  4. I'm sorry I didn't see this till now. It is what it is, but I know it's still important. I'm glad you had a good day and that Finn got some special mama time. I have no doubt that your little soul was sending you some very special love and prayers yesterday.

    I'm praying hard that the master plan involves you holding another squeaky newborn in your arms soon. But in the mean time I know that you are going to ROCK that triathlon!

  5. Oh Caroline- thinking of you friend <3

    I'm glad you had a good day though. Another favorite things party? I'm totally jealous!!! I want to attend a FTP!!! Can we please arrange this???? Also grocery store sushi can be pretty awesome if you get the right kind from the right store- yum!

  6. Grocery store sushi from Whole Foods? Perfection. I do fear it from other places, but that's because I never lived more than 3 miles from the beach my entire life until I was 26. I have high standards. Hah.

    My friend Liz lost her first baby on September 23, 2010.
    I had Benjamin February 23, 2012.
    My friend Amanda had her first baby on September 23, 2012. Liz mourning, her celebrating.
    You were due May 23, 2013.

    Lots of 23. Some happy. Some sad. All babies loved and those we will never grow to know, terribly missed.

    I'm glad you had a nice day, but yes. I hope a newborn will be in your arms again soon.

  7. I totally get this. At some point your connection with what could have been becomes more abstract. It feels less immediate, like as time goes by it's less of a possibility that that could have been your life and your reality is that it's not. It's too tiring these days for me to think where my four losses would have been in the imaginary time spectrum.

    But yes, so so so much good, and that's what we have and damn the forces of grief if they're going to make us ignore all the good in front of us.