Cale's First Birthday in Heaven

This morning I woke up to the most beautiful gift from Miles. He had gotten in touch with our amazing photographer to get an early copy of a picture she took at the hospital the day after Finley was born. He had a frame made, and framed the picture for me to open.

 

This is the inscription on the frame: 

It was a perfect, albeit incredibly emotional, way to start the day. To remind myself of how far we've come, and that Cale will always be a part of our lives. I have lots of other pictures I plan to share from our little celebration of Cale's First Birthday in Heaven, but am too tired (physically and emotionally) to upload and post those right now, so I'll share them later.

It's been a year since we met and said goodbye (for now) to Cale. That doesn't sit well with me because it's been too long since I held him and that time will only increase. But at the same time I'm amazed that we made it a year, and amazed that in that time we've been blessed with the healthy arrival of Cale's brother. There are times I look at Finley and I can easily see the resemblance he shares with Cale. I love that he clearly looks like his brother, but isn't identical to him (that would have been too hard I think). But as wonderful as it is having Finley here in our arms, it's also hard. It's a reminder of what we've missed out on. I miss Cale so much. I always will. Today doesn't really feel like his first birthday. It certainly feels like his day, but Cale will always be our little baby (as opposed to our one year old son). I sometimes struggle imagining him as anything but a perfect newborn. And that's hard at times. I hate that I don't know what he would have looked like today and that he is not here with us as we celebrated him.

A family in my husbands unit recently lost a baby. I've been in touch with the mom, trying to comfort her and give her hope, but allowing her to grieve and not be overly optimistic. Sometimes it's too hard and too overwhelming to hear "it's going to be ok" when your grief is so fresh and raw. And the sad truth, that I've shared with her, is that it is never going to be ok. It doesn't get better. But it does get easier. It's never ok that your baby died and never ok that you have to figure out how to live without them. But you do and life goes on and there are happy times and you are able to enjoy them and eventually you realize that it's gotten easier. She recently asked me when I felt like my old self again. I need to write her back. I probably won't today, but what I need to tell her is that I never felt like my old self. But that's ok. Cale changed me. I'll never be the person I was before him, but I'm not sure if I'd want to be anyway. In the midst of grieving for Cale, I feel I'm learning how to live. How to really, genuinely live. I love more. I love Miles, and Finley, my family and friends so much more. And I appreciate things and people more and search for the reasons I have to be grateful, despite the reasons I have not to be. Some of the most wonderful people I've met or gotten to know (even just online) are people I wouldn't have met had it not been for Cale. Some of my friendships have been strengthened as they have been, and continue to be, tested and tried. And some friendships have faded. But it's shown me that they weren't worth keeping in the first place. I feel that I don't have time, or chose not to have time, for trivial things or trivial people. I'm more assertive, more honest, and more real. I am these things because of Cale. I am a mother because of him. So no, I'm certainly not the person I was before him but am proud of that.

Most of you who read this blog fall into the category of people I truly appreciate and have been so grateful for during this past year. Thank you for to continued support. The prayers, words of encouragement, and above all else the love you have shown our family, the love you have for Cale and for reminding me how he'll never be forgotten.

Happy Birthday Harper

Today we went to a balloon release to celebrate a very special girl. Harper Grace Johnson was born on June 25, 2010. She only lived but a few minutes, but she's touched a lot of lives, mine included.

These last few days have been on and off emotional for me. I sometimes am hit with little (and big) waves of grief as I picture our lives a year ago and re-live the day Cale was born, the day we found out he died. Yesterday he received a Happy 1st Birthday Card from Babies R Us. They never got the message. Because we were registered with them and they had Cale's due date on file, it's only logical to assume he'd be turning one soon. You don't assume that the worst happened, and that a family went home without a baby. And after I got a little sad opening the card, I thought of all the other families who will get those same cards, but don't have their baby here with them. We also received a box of formula in the mail. I'm breastfeeding Finley, but must have gotten the formula from being on some list. I also got formula a week or so after Cale died. It was much less painful getting it this time. But again, it got me thinking of all the people who will receive that same box, but it will only serve as a painful reminder of what is missing.

The same day I delivered Finley, undoubtedly one of the happiest of my lives, another family just down the hall, lost a baby and had a leaf on their door. The leaf is a symbol to the hospital staff, and all those who enter the room, that it's not a room filled with happiness, but rather a family who had to say goodbye to a baby far too soon. Ironically, it was the same room in which I delivered Cale. Irony sure can be cruel.

So here we are, just a few days away from Cale's Birthday. We'll be celebrating him that day and plan to always acknowledge him with our family. We want Finley, and his future sibling(s) (God willing) to always know about Cale and the fact that he left a big impact on all our lives, just as sweet Harper did for all those who knew her or are lucky enough to know about her.

Here are some pictures from Harper's balloon release.

Below: Finley with his buddy Sam. 

They will have to fight over Harper's little sister who is due in September.

Pop, Meet Finley. . . . Finley, Pop

We have recently had lots of visits from family and will continue to for the next week or so. My dad arrived yesterday with the rest of my family trickling in over the next few days. Before arriving, he called and asked that we have a camera ready as he wanted to capture, in his words, "Finley's first kiss from Pop Nichols or Grandpa, or whatever I'm going to be called."

So, here we have it, Finley meeting my dad for the first time.

My dad is a very sweet and sensitive man. Even more so with age. When I left for West Point he wrote me a long letter to read on the plane. When Miles and I got married, he read us a letter at our rehearsal dinner. And when Cale died, he wrote the most beautiful letter - all of these filled with nothing but love and the most sincere emotions from his heart. Today, my dad had another sweet letter that he wanted to read to us, I thought it was too cute not to share.  (Kate, get your tissues) 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

My Dear Caroline -

Thoughts on meeting grandson Finley Daren Hidalgo for the first time. And thoughts on seeing my daughter Caroline for the first time since Finley's birth. 

I reflect back on the last 12 months which have been filled with overwhelming grief and some joy. No words can express the heartache of losing Baby Cale and Daren. Happiness has also occurred with the pregnancy of Finley, the safe return of Miles, and the birth of Finley. This time has given me time to reflect on my life and my children, on Caroline and Miles, and their loved ones - Cale, Finley and also Daren. I'm going to write about Love.

When Kate was still in her mother's womb I had doubts of my ability and capacity to share my love with a new child. My love for Rob was so complete that I was afraid that I would not be able to give as much love to Kate and that a portion of the love I had for Rob would be scarified for our new child. What I soon discovered was that my love expanded. My love for Rob continued to grow and my love for Kate was every bit as complete as it was for Rob.

And when my sweet Caroline arrived, my love expanded again. My love never diminished for my first and second child and when my third one was born - it just kept expanding. Caroline, I tell you this because you may have had feelings of concern or even tinges of guilty emotions of a fear that your love and remembrance of Cale would be diminished because of your love for Finley.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that due to our capacity as humans to have our love expand, Cale's memory will remain in your and Miles' hearts forever and the love you have for Cale will never diminish. That's what's so beautiful about the human heart.

I suspect that many time you've entered your room and stopped and touched Cale's urn. The tears flowed as you assured him and yourself that you will never forget him and that you'll love him forever. So, my dear Caroline, rest assured that the expanded love you now have for Finley will never diminish your love for Cale. And Cale's memory will never fade from his parents. Ever.

Also, Finley is the person he is because of Cale. Were it not for Cale, Finley would not be. Finley came into being at this time because of Cale.

I hope all this makes sense to you. Caroline you are a remarkable person. Your love for Miles, Cale, and Finley is obvious and clear. It is so very complete.

I am so very honored to be your Father. I'll love you forever.
-Dad

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Bringing Home Baby

Have you ever watched that showing "Bringing Home Baby" on TLC? Or any of the other billion shows on TV about babies? I sort of have a love-hate relationship with them. They are about babies, so I'm kind of a sucker for getting drawn into them, but after experiencing a loss, I also hate them. I hated watching them as they only follow people with happy outcomes, people who sometimes don't realize how good they have it. They can be a huge slap in the face to anyone who wants nothing more than to bring home a baby. Yesterday morning I turned on the TV after feeding Finley. We were just hanging out on the couch and "Bringing Home Baby" was on TV. Miles walked in the room and asked, "Is this a Baby Story?"  and I said "close enough - it's Bringing Home Baby'" to which he stopped, watched for a second and said "ya know, I see that stuff now and feel a little less bitter." I couldn't have agreed more.

Our Bringing Home Baby journey has been such a long one. It feels so strange that it's over. Yes, this is just a beginning of a whole new journey, but it's still surreal to have finally brought a baby home. Here's a little recap (well, that's a lie - this will be long and filled with lots of pictures) of the past few days and bringing home Finley.

Sunday, June 12th was a long day. By night we couldn't sleep. It wasn't until after midnight that we finally tried to get a few hours rest. We were up by 4am to put the bags in the car, drop Roscoe off with his friends' Zeus and Luna, and head to the hospital. Here's a picture of us right before we left.

We arrived shortly after 6am, but the induction didn't really get kicked off until a couple hours, and a botched IV, later. Since it was an induction and my body wasn't totally ready for labor, they first had to give me some meds to get me further dilated. Then a couple hours after that I was given pitocin.

 

 

While waiting for things to progress, I did hit a point where I began to struggle. Not physically, because of the pain, but emotionally. Here we were, nearly a year later, going through another delivery, it was very familiar and at the same time totally foreign. I missed Cale, and was upset about all that he never got to experience. I was thinking so much of what it was like when Miles and I waited in the delivery room for him to be born, knowing that once he was, the only crying would be from us, not from our baby. There were no congratulatory expressions given, no joyous calls or text sent out. It was somber and quiet and not what Cale's birth should have been . . . not what any babies entrance into the world should be. But, as we've learned to do over and over, we got through it.

As for the labor itself, the contractions were manageable until I was about 7cm dilated at which point I opted to get an epidural. I wanted to feel things out and play it by ear in regards to having a natural delivery, but also wanted to enjoy the experience as much as possible. Once the pain was taking over, I knew it was time to get some relief and don't regret that decision. It was less than an hour until Finley was born, so for that last bit of time, the best and most exciting part, I was able to really just enjoy everything, most importantly the birth itself, with no pain.

When it was time to push, we were both SO excited. The moment we had been waiting for was here, and it came somewhat unexpectedly after my doctor checked my progress and said somewhat surprised himself "oh, well, it's time - you ready?"

Eight minutes later, Finley Daren Hidalgo, entered this world, crying, healthy, perfect, beautiful . . .alive. They laid him on my chest immediately and I was just so overcome with everything. Crying tears of joy, I was holding my boy, looking up at Miles, and just amazed at the miracle that just took place.

Shortly afterwords, Finley was taken over to the Panda Warmer (which we joked would be hilarious if there was actually a big panda in the corner of labor and delivery rooms, ready to lick clean newborns and keep them warm before giving them back. . . admit it, that would be pretty hilarious). Anyway, Miles went over to help clean him and dress him and just bask in the awesomeness of his newborn son, all 6 pounds, 7 ounces of him.

 

 Miles wrapping Finn in his big brother's blanket.

After the delivery, Miles and I couldn't help but talk about how wonderful everything was, but how bittersweet it is to know exactly the sort of emotions and overall experience we missed out on with Cale. And to look at our sweet boy and know that his middle name is that of an Uncle he'll never meet. It's just hard. Eventually, we moved to the Mother & Baby section. Walking over there was a little strange. With Cale, we stayed in the delivery room until we were released from the hospital the next day. But now, here we were going to our "recovery" room, with our baby. It was almost impossible to fall asleep that night. We could have easily just sat up and watched Finley all night, reminding ourselves that he was ours for the keeping.

Ok, enough hormonally driven emotions. On to some more pictures!

Daddy doing some skin-to-skin time, while introducing Finley to Sports Center.

Here's Finley next to one of the pillows we brought. 

We wanted to make sure the hospital didn't try to steal our pillows.

 

 And here we are getting ready to head home!

Best sight in the world. . . Our little family, headed home.

And here we are, home at last:

Ok, this has become the longest blog post ever. And has taken a couple days to put together, but I wouldn't give up being busy for anything. Thanks for reading!

Introducing . . .

 Finley Daren Hidalgo

"Finn"

June 13, 2011 ~ 6:32pm
6 pounds 7 ounces, 20 inches

There is so much more to share, but I wanted to get something posted. Thank you for the well wishes and prayers. Finley is a dream come true.