What's in a Name (Part III)

My last post reminded me about my short "What's in a Name" series that I never finished. I only had a Part I and Part II. Part III was going to be the final one - where I revealed Finley's name. But two days after I wrote Part II, Daren was killed. And that changed our plans for Finley's name and for announcing his name. You see, Finley was going to be Finley Sears Hidalgo. Sears is a really old family name on my mom's side of the family. My grandma took a lot of pride in her lineage and traced our family tree back generations upon generations. Sears, which used to be Sayers, can be traced back to the 15th century to William Sayers who lived in England. When the Sayers relocated to America, the name was changed to Sears.

After Daren was killed we knew there was a good chance we'd want to include his name when naming our son. And once we decided on Finley Daren, we were tentative to "announce" it. I wanted to ensure that Finley first arrived in this world alive. If something happened and he didn't make it, we probably would have named him Finley Sears for it would have been too hard to give him the middle name Daren. But that's a pretty depressing thought and hard to explain to people, so we just kept quite for a bit longer and only shared Finley's first name with people.

You might wonder why I even felt compelled to share this now. Well recently I was blog-stalking Brooke. I've been reading her blog since the spring when Molly shared this great post that I in turn shared on my blog. But the other day, while super busy at work (insert sarcasm), I went back to read some of Brooke's older posts that I hadn't read. (Creepy? Egh, whatever - read a few of her posts and you'll be equally engulfed by her way with words). And I stumbled upon this post which I fell in love with and had a lot of "yeah me too!" moments while reading. I remember shortly after learning Cale did not have a heartbeat I said to Miles, "but I really loved the name Cale." I was disappointed that a name that I loved for the son I planned to raise would be just another part of what we lost. But alive or not - he was already Cale. It's one of the things that makes him so special. When talking about her daughter Eliza's name, Brooke put it beautifully when she says "It's my most favorite name and since there was so little I was able to give her, I'm glad I could give her that." 

I'm glad we were able to give Cale a beautiful, strong name. And while I wish Daren was here with us, I'm glad that we could give Finley such a meaningful name. I'm glad both my boys have unique names and I love that their daddy thought of both of them. I love the nickname Finn (yes, we spell Finley with one 'n' and Finn with two), and I hope we get the opportunity (although not any time soon) to come up with another unique and meaningful name for a baby.

What about you? How did you come up with your baby(ies) names? Or how did your name come about? I'd love to hear your "what's in a name" story as I'm sure it's so much more than just a name. . .

More Than A Name

I went for a run during lunch the other day where I passed by Johnson Field. A lot of the training grounds on Fort Benning are named after someone who was a Medal of Honor recipient. This particular one was named after PVT Elden H. Johnson. Other than his name, and the fact that he earned the Medal of Honor, I knew nothing about him. And it made a part of me really, really sad. Because this man is so much more than just a name. And of course I thought about my loved ones and how they are so much more than just names. So after I got back from my run, huffing and puffing, and horribly out of shape, I looked up PVT Johnson on the good ole world wide web. This is the citation for the Medal of Honor he was posthumously awarded:

For conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at risk of life above and beyond the call of duty. Pvt. Johnson elected to sacrifice his life in order that his comrades might extricate themselves from an ambush. Braving the massed fire of about 60 riflemen, 3 machine guns, and 3 tanks from positions only 25 yards distant, he stood erect and signaled his patrol leader to withdraw. The whole area was brightly illuminated by enemy flares. Then, despite 20mm. machine guns, machine pistol, and rifle fire directed at him, Pvt. Johnson advanced beyond the enemy in a slow deliberate walk. Firing his automatic rifle from the hip, he succeeded in distracting the enemy and enabled his 12 comrades to escape. Advancing to within 5 yards of a machine gun, emptying his weapon, Pvt. Johnson killed its crew. Standing in full view of the enemy he reloaded and turned on the riflemen to the left, firing directly into their positions. He either killed or wounded 4 of them. A burst of machine gun fire tore into Pvt. Johnson and he dropped to his knees. Fighting to the very last, he steadied himself on his knees and sent a final burst of fire crashing into another German. With that he slumped forward dead. Pvt. Johnson had willingly given his life in order that his comrades might live. These acts on the part of Pvt. Johnson were an inspiration to the entire command and are in keeping with the highest traditions of the armed forces.

But before I looked him up I did a lot of thinking about how important it is to preserve our history and our people. I think the military in general does a pretty good job about this - seeing as though there are dedications and memorials scattered throughout every military installation.

Cale was cremated. He resides in this little urn in our bedroom.

We went this route (cremation) as Fort Benning (Columbus), GA is not home for us. I don't want my son buried here. I may not ever know where to bury him, so for now he will stay with his parents. But someday, maybe not until my day comes, I want him to have a spot where his name is displayed. Where someone can pass it and read "Cale Harrison Hidalgo" and know that he existed. But I want him to be more than a name. He was a son, a brother, nephew, grandson, and cousin. He is a part of me that I want to preserve for as long as I can.

Miles' parents recently launched a website to preserve Daren's memory. With Daren, there's almost 25 years of memories to celebrate, remember, and honor. Please take a few minutes and check it out. I especially want to share this video they had made which is also on the website, but can be viewed here:

It's an incredibly well done compilation of the memorials, funeral service and burial for Daren. I hope that many, many years from now we, Daren's family and friends, will have done a good enough job preserving his memory that others know about him and that when they see the name Daren Miguel Hidalgo, they know how much more he was than a name - a son, brother, grandson, uncle, nephew, friend & hero.

This Weekend

A week ago I blogged about baby Norah joining the Johnson Family and I 'm so happy that this week I get to share more happy news - Mr. Maddux Creighton Hope was born, healthy and perfect, on September 1st to our good friends Lauren and Greg. Maddux's brother John will celebrate his first birthday in Heaven later this month so their family will be on our minds and hearts during the next few weeks. It'll surely be a emotional time - both happy and sad, but I'm just so thankful that baby Maddux is here. As I said before, I'm especially antsy/anxious/excited/worried for all of those families who have already lost a baby. I wish I could rest assured that if something so terrible and tragic happens in your life then at least you'd be spared any future pain. But unfortunately, we just know that's not the case. There's no statute of limitations on tragedy, but oh how I wish there was.

This weekend was a pretty relaxing and relatively uneventful weekend. I love long weekends. But it does make it harder to go back to work. But let's be honest, I never want to go to work.

But my weekend started off on a great note when I picked up all the beautiful images our incredibly talented photographer Neely captured during the month of June. She had taken all my maternity pictures with Cale and I knew I'd want her to do the same with Finn. She recently wrote the kindest blog that I'd love to share with all you. I do want you to know, before reading and looking at the pictures, that these are also of Finley's birth - and I realize that this could be somewhat of a trigger for my baby lost friends. Before I got pregnant with Finley, a good friend of mine had shared with me the pictures of the delivery of her rainbow baby. And it gave me such hope for the future. So I hope that these do the same and do not cause any sadness or pain to any of you who have already suffered so much. 

Without further ado . . . Finley's Journey.

 

Last Weekend

As I mentioned earlier, we spent last weekend in Destin, Florida - our first vacation as a little family. The weather was perfect and although I wish I got more of a tan, at least I didn't get burned. We really enjoyed the beach and while Finley slept most of the time under an umbrella and there was a nice breeze we still didn't stay too long so as to give him a break in the air conditioned hotel.

I love trips as a family and look forward to our next one - wherever that may be.

Cale's Advocate

 I have a wonderful friend (hi Deb!) who, when I was pregnant with Cale, was due a little over 7 weeks after me with her first baby - beautiful Bryars. We were excited to have babies so close and had plans to raise them together. We joked about them dating and looked forward to being parents at the same time, of kids the same age, in the same grade, etc.

Bryars and Cale - May 2010

But then that was no longer the plan.

Yesterday was Bryars' first birthday. A few weeks before that, also the day I came home to this, I received an invite in the mail to Bryars' birthday party. Granted I was already on edge because of the mess Roscoe created, but the invite made me cry as it reminded me of something I never got to do with Cale. And then I cried some more because of the guilt I felt for letting my grief overshadow the happiness of the occasion.

But the other day as I talked to Deb on the phone and apologized for not sending Bryar's birthday gift in a timely manner (ie - my lazy ars still needs to scoot on over to the post office) Deb was the one who started crying. She told me how Bryars' milestones are bittersweet for her because Cale should be hitting them just a couple months before her, that we should be going through this together. She told me how baby Cale is often talked about in their house and always thought of and his picture is in their nursery, looked at every day.

These are the things - the thoughts, the words, the kindness, that literally mean everything to me. To be reminded that Cale is never forgotten - it's what I crave as his mother.

Maybe I am redundant. Maybe I convey that sentiment too much. But at the same time, as his mother I feel I can't stress that enough. I once talked about this with my sister. And she said something that really stuck with me. She said it'll always be my job to acknowledge him and to talk about him because I'm not just his mother - I'm his advocate.

At work I have recently been dealing with the parent of one of my Soldiers. (Just a little background - all of the Soldiers in my unit are being discharged from the Army - most of whom should be). But every once in a while we get guys who genuinely want to be in the Army, but just don't meet entrance standards for one reason or another, usually for a medical reason. The father I've been in touch with clearly just wants what is best for his son. He wants him home and wants to know what can be done to make this happen as soon as possible.  He wants to know that his son is ok, and wants to take care of him. I don't blame him and I don't get annoyed by his constant phone calls. Because he's doing what a good parent should - he's caring and he's trying everything he can to be his son's advocate from afar.

I'm trying to do the same.
And I will for the rest of my life.