You're Not Crazy . . .

You won't drive across the country and back with a dog and a baby.

But we will.

And we did. But probably never will again. At least for a long time.

Don't get me wrong, we are actually glad we did and in all honestly the drives were not that bad. Driving allowed us to bring Roscoe and more crap than we possibly needed and ensured we had room for the abundance of Christmas presents my parents got for Finn. We also were able to do more and see more people than we would have been able to had we flown. So it was a worthwhile trip, but I'm sure glad to be home.

Our first part of the trip was a drive out to our future home in . . . .drum roll. . . . .Fort Hood, Texas. <<insert long sigh and facial expression of self pity>> We were really hoping the Army would send us to Fort Carson, Colorado, but no such luck. But you know that annoying saying about everything happening for a reason? Well, there actually are lots of good reasons to go to Texas. For one, it will mean that Miles isn't facing a deployment anytime soon. So of course that is good news. Great news. And for two, we've already got some really great friends out there and some of our family will be moving to Austin (about 45 minutes away) just a few months after us. So, it could be worse. And there is a Target and a Hobby Lobby near by - I've already scouted them out. We had already planned to stop in Texas, but since we will now be moving there it was nice to get a feel of the area and check out some potential places to live.

Texas to Arizona. Texas is FAR too big a state.

After a couple days in Texas we drove to visit my family in my hometown of Tucson, Arizona. While I'd never want to live in the desert long term, Tucson really is "home" for me. I grew up in the same house I left for college. While most of my friends have moved, their parents are still around and not much has changed when I drive around our part of town. So it was really nice to bring Finley to my hometown and introduce him to so many people who knew me growing up. And it's especially nice to spend time with my parents and see them interact with their grandson. Boy is he one loved little guy!

From Arizona, we left for California where we spent the bulk of our trip. Our sister-in-law is due any day now with our little nephew who we can't wait to me. Their oldest son Carson, who is two, is best buds with Roscoe - so it was fun to see them interact (yet for some reason I failed to take any pictures of the two). My favorite moment was when Roscoe came over to sniff Carson as he opened some gifts - "No, no Roc-co, my present." When we'd go out and do something, leaving Roscoe back at the house, Carson would often ask "what Roc-co doing?" - always very concerned about what our pup was up to. That dog has it made. While in CA, we made sure to not only dip Finley's feet in the Pacific, but Roscoe's as well.

While in California I met up with a friend of mine for the first time. Abby lost her daughter Nia in 2009 and really reached out to me after losing Cale. We've become good friends and she was such a lifeline for me during my pregnancy with Finn so it was  really wonderful to finally meet in person!

Meeting up with Abby was also really nice because I missed Cale a lot this Christmas, or at least thought about him more than I even realized I would. I think it's because 18 months would have been a fun age for all the excitement of the holidays. It would have been fun to watch him play with his cousin and to get as spoiled by Nana and Pop as Finn did. There's just so much I wanted for that little boy and each milestone is a reminder of that. But I'm ok with that. More than ok. I want to miss him. I want each milestone to remind me of what should have been because he deserves that continued love and acknowledgment. It's the least I can do for him.

But it was great to get to celebrate Finley's first Christmas, take him to see Santa, show him off, and just love on him this holiday season. I'm so, so grateful for that.

Overall it was a really great trip. Our return trip was the same, but with less time spent at each place. And finally, after 14 days, roughly 5,000 miles, and lots of pit stops, we made it back safely to home sweet home (which was a brisk 59 degrees upon arrival. Inside the house).

New Year's Resolutions

(in no particular order)

1. Read more. Read more of the news - be more engaged with what's going on in the world. Read to Finn more and read at least one book a month. Seems very doable, but I certainly didn't read 12 books last year and easily could and probably should have. Got any good recommendations?

2. Workout more. Get more miles under my feet, with the BOB, on the bike, etc. Participate in my first triathlon.

3. Capture memories. I've been pretty good about taking lots of pictures of Finn, but I want to ensure I keep this up. Our little guy turns ONE this year - what the what!? I don't want to miss a second of it. I also have a few scrapbooks that I've been working on for far too long or have yet to start (Cale's album), so need to get busy.

4. Continue to find ways to celebrate and honor Cale. We are moving this year so I know I will make a new garden for him at our new home, but moving means new friends and a chance to tell new people about him. I want to find ways to ensure he's still a part of not just 2012, but a part of our forever.

5. Maintain relationships. Certainly important as we move, but something to always work at. I have some amazing friends. Some in this little online community, some in "real life" and they have helped me through the darkest and hardest times in my life. As my grief gets easier to manage, I want to do a better job at being a part of their lives as they were a part of mine when I needed them most.

6. Be a better wife. If I ever stop wanting to be a better wife, I think something in our relationship is wrong. Sure I want to strangle Miles at times, but he's a wonderful husband, father and friend. He deserves my very best.

7. Travel. We just completed a cross country trip with a baby and a dog (more on that later). While I wouldn't do it all over again right away, I know that trips, especially short ones, are possible with a lot in tow. I want to visit at least a few new places we have never been to and travel to places we have been to see the people we love (here's looking at you Kate)

8. Give. With the transition to stay at home mom and going down to one income, we may not be able to give as much financially as we have in the past, but there are still so many ways to reach out and give to others and support important causes.

I am sure I have a handful of other resolutions, but these seem to be the most important, or all I can think of at the moment. So in closing, I will leave you with this silly picture. Yesterday was not just New Year's Eve, but also the 4th birthday of our beloved Roscoe. Happy birthday spoiled pup, and happy new year to all!

Merry Christmas

Rainbow Christmas

This past weekend I got together with my dear friends Rhiannon and Priscilla to do a little photo shoot with the babies. Priscilla is a very talented photographer and is in the beginning stages of starting up her own little business. It's great to be friends with someone like this - I feel like I get to mooch of her talent. She got this cute picture great idea from Pinterest. So we hung up some lights, got out a sheet, and put our adorable kiddos in front of the camera.

Medical Records

Since my time in the Army is ending in the next few months (finally!), I recently went to request copies of all my medical records. All my appointments, labs, exams, deliveries, all of it. I received a massive file. Probably a quarter of it paperwork from my pregnancy with Finn which didn't surprise me - after all, I probably had close to fifty appointments during my pregnancy with him. But when going through that massive stack of papers I of course couldn't help but get very emotional when looking through all the records of my appointments with Cale. He was always the perfect baby -always growing right on track, healthy, and always (until the end) easy to hear on the doppler. I read through my last appointment - June 24, 2010. It was a routine appointment. No surprises. I was 2cm dilated, 80% effaced and had a healthy baby with a nice strong heartbeat. Four days later, the paperwork would tell another story. Four days later my hospital records would show nasty four-letter words like IUFD - intrauterine fetal demise. It gives me the chills to even see that word, much less type it. I sat looking through my medical records for a good thirty minutes. I read doctor's notes like "patient had previous stillbirth at 39 weeks," or "patient still grieving the loss of her son, but is physically healing well" or "Gravida - 2 (when I was pregnant with Finn), Living Children at home - 0" and it still feels surreal at times. Like I'm reading someone else's very sad, sad story. But it's my story, and my name all over the pages, and my baby who is referred to as a "loss," a "demise" and it breaks my heart every time.

I'm not really sure where this post is going. I think I'm just in a mood. I think I'm just missing my boy. I can't wait to go home and kiss his brother and squeeze him tight. I just wish I was going home to two little boys.

I've mentioned our friends the Hopes before. Their son Johnathan was stillborn three months to the day after we lost Cale. Greg (the dad) was in our wedding and one of Miles' good friends. Miles and Greg are really close with another guy, Kyle, from college who was also in our wedding. Our friend Kyle's wife gave birth via emergency c-section on Saturday. Their son Andy was born at 35 weeks and is doing well, but will be in the NICU for a little bit to help his lungs mature some more. His mom has HELLPS Syndrome and is in the ICU at another hospital. She hasn't even met her son yet. Kyle, who got back from deployment less than a week ago, is driving back and forth between two hospitals to check on his little family. And I just can't help but wonder what happened!? What happened to the world where people just got pregnant and had babies and lived happily ever after?! Was I really that naive to think, to hope, that it would work out that way? I guess so. Because in our small little circle of friends there has been too much loss and too much tribulation to bring babies into this world. Babies who are wanted and loved. We aren't a bunch of crack addicts. We aren't a bunch of child abusers. We are insured and educated and responsible people. So why us? Why any of us?

Our little Cale would have been 18 months at the end of this month. I'm sure he would have been adorable. He was adorable. He was so much more than my medical records convey. So, so much more.