And just today I shared our news with two other wonderful friends. I told them that we aren't sharing this with everyone just yet, so not to go broadcasting it. And then when I got off the phone I realized I probably didn't sound that excited. I think I just sounded factual - blunt even. I tried to explain all these crazy emotions I'm feeling, but in the process I don't think I put enough emphasis on the happy emotion that I DO have.
Last week after we told our family I was talking to my sister and trying to explain this all to her. I was telling her how I'm just nervous someone will say something along the lines of "everything will be ok." I don't want anyone saying this. I don't know how I'll respond. We certainly hope that everything will be ok, but we don't know that it will. No one does. And in telling her this she started to say, "I think you just have to. . ." and I was afraid she was going to finish that sentence with " . . .understand that they don't mean anything bad by that," or something like that. But she didn't. She said "I think you just have to realize you're going to have lots of different feelings, but it's OK. And don't ignore them." I don't think she realizes how glad I was to hear that. It's OK to feel all the different things I'm feeling!
I do realize that people probably will say something like, "everything will be ok," and yes, I know no one means any harm by it - just the opposite in fact. But that kind of statement doesn't mix well with the nervous/scared/terrified emotions I have.
But on top of those feelings, I really do have lots of optimism and hope about this pregnancy. I think that's part of the reason I love this baby so much already - he or she is giving me something to hope for, something to look forward to. And when you're only 5 1/2 months out from suffering a terrible loss, emotions of hope and excitement are WONDERFUL emotions to have.
But as we slowly let more and more people know, I'm finding myself a little more nervous as well. I think it's because I just want people to understand how complicated this is for us. Wonderful yes, but complicated none-the-less.
I think we'll share the news with a few more people face-to-face over the next week and then "announce" it in our Christmas Card. Just like we did last year with Cale.
In closing, I've only shared this blog with family thus far. But I've realized that it's probably very depressing to read some of the posts. Granted, at the time it wasn't a shared blog, so it really was just me journaling my thoughts, but Miles made a comment that "Happily Hidalgo" is more like "Sad and painfully pregnant Hidalgo" and it made me laugh, but also made me realize that now that I'm sharing this little blog, and my crazy feelings/thoughts/emotions, maybe I should also make more of an effort to be a little more up beat. Oh, and I don't want it to be a boring blog with non-stop rambling. So I'm including a picture. Something I plan to do more often.
Yes, Jenny - I've copied yet another one of your ideas. This time with the cropped corners.
Stop having good ideas, and maybe I'll stop copying you. Maybe. :)
The picture is how I told Miles I was pregnant. I took the test one morning he didn't have to be into work until late, so was still asleep. I just knew it was going to be positive and was SO excited when it was. I had the same anxious and happy emotions getting ready to tell Miles that I had when I found out I was pregnant with Cale. I'm thankful for that. Anyway, back to the picture - Miles and I are big fans of Eggo Waffles. Yes, I know - we're twelve. But I put two Eggo's in the toaster and put some scrapbooking letters on a plate so it read "I'm Pr "Eggo"! I then brought that up to him and woke him up telling him I brought him breakfast in bed. It's a little silly, but I want to tell him in a special or at least unique way every time I'm fortunate enough to be carrying our baby.
So there you go. . .there's a little dose of optimism for the night!