July 23, 2011

Nana

For nearly the past month my mom has been staying with us. Now I know what you must think, that it might be mom-overload, but it was anything but. My mom has been a huge help - not only with dishes, laundry, and yard work (she literally moved over a ton and a half of rock we ordered for the edging around the house), but she helped me out a lot with Finley when Miles was back at work and for the few days he went to Germany for his brother's memorial service (more about that later).

This morning she left to go back home and while it is nice to have the house to ourselves for the first time since Finley's birth, it was really sad for me. Sure I'm going to miss the help, miss having my floors swept on a regular basis, and having someone water my plants for me, but I'm also just going to miss my mom, and miss her company. It's sad to think how much bigger Finley will be the next time she sees him - he's already changed so much in the four weeks she was here!

It also makes me sad because there's just so much deja vu related to last summer. And that brings back a lot of emotions over/of/for Cale. Last summer my mom spent a lot of time with us after Cale died. We busied ourselves with projects and things to occupy our (my) time so that I wasn't just sitting at home. Alone. Crying. (which still happened quite often). And seeing how sweet it is when my mom holds Finley, how excited she gets for "Nana Time" and how much love she has for him does make me sad to think that Cale never got to experience that. Sure he is loved, but he isn't here for us to love on.  And that's hard. I'm so thankful that Finley is getting these experiences . . .I just wish Cale did too.  It was hard for me to say goodbye last summer as well and seeing her off today just brought me back to a year ago when my grief was so painfully fresh. And today, when I hugged her goodbye, teary eyed and mopey, she simply said, "he'll always be with you." (fat chance of me not crying after that)

I hope all my kids feel the love from me that I've felt every day of my life from my mom. And I hope Finley's future sibling(s) get their fair share of Nana Time.

8 comments:

  1. That's so wonderful that your mom was able to be here after Cale's birth as well as Finley's! I'm so glad you and Finley were able to have such quality time together with her! Hopefully Finley will be able to have "Nana Time" with her soon. :)

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  2. I really need to stop reading your posts while at work. Another very beautiful and moving entry. I can't wait for Finley to say "hold" to you someday just like you would say to mom. We are so lucky to have his Nana for our mama:)

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  3. Finley is so cute. I know just what you mean about wishing my baby would have had the chance to know her grandparents--and wishing my parents weren't grieving this loss, too. It's nice to see Finley bringing you all so much joy, even though it doesn't cancel out the pain.

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  4. So sweet, I love the picture! I am so glad that I got to meet your Mom while she was visiting. Her love for her grandsons and her children surely shines. I hope that she is able to get back for a visit soon!

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  5. Ok now I'm crying too... I always cry when I read ur posts! :)

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  7. It looks like Finn is looking at the book with Nana and really paying attention. He already loves books!

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