August 8, 2011


Last year when I went back to work after my maternity leave was up, the hardest thing about my first day back was that I didn't get to drop my son off at daycare.

This year, the hardest thing will be that I have to do just that.

My first day back to work is Thursday. Yes, kinda a weird day to go back to work, but at least I don't have to face a Monday and a full week right away. This way I ease back into it all. I knew I'd need to do the same with daycare, so today I dropped Finley off for a few hours. I brought all the stuff he'll need in his little cubby - diapers, wipes, extra clothes, etc. and figured out how it works with the codes for the building and checking him in and out of the computer. This way when I go back on Thursday, I will at least know what I'm doing and won't have to worry about any of the logistics and will be able to solely focus on not having an emotional breakdown. At least not until I get to my car.

But even today I struggled. I really like the daycare we are bringing him to - it's off post and the providers are incredibly sweet and had things (his crib, bouncer seat, cubby, etc) all ready and labeled for him. When I walked into the room they said "oh, hi Finn! We've been waiting for you!" So I really do feel that he's in good, loving hands, but it's just so hard to say goodbye - even for just a few hours. I knew I'd be back to get him soon and that I didn't even have to go to work today, yet as soon as I got into my car, I couldn't help but shed a few tears.

While I was away from him, I went for a bike ride. I wanted to do something that I couldn't do with him, because I think I would have felt guilty for dropping him off in the first place if I did something he could have been with me for, so figured I would use my test run at daycare to get in a little exercise and get back on my bike.

Last summer, after we lost Cale, we bought nice road bikes and road them fairly often. And then I got pregnant and stopped riding and hadn't again until today. I rode down a nice bike path Columbus has along the Chattahoochee River. On our first bike ride last year we went along the same route. It was maybe a few weeks after Cale was born and quite the emotional bike ride as not only did I fall over when I couldn't unclip my foot from the pedal, but when we decided to turn around and head back, we saw this statue at our turn around point:
"In Loving Memory of Our Lost Children"

I mean really. . . only a few weeks post loss and you run into something like that on a bike ride?! That's just asking for a breakdown! Fortunately, today's bike ride was not nearly as emotional. Sure, I was sad about living Finley at daycare and having to do so every day for the next seven months until I stop working, but I'm thankful I have to do that because Finley is here healthy and alive. And I love passing by this statue (sculpture? Monument? What would you call it?) on bike rides it's an opportunity to think about Cale and all the other lost children out there.

So after my bike ride I went to Target to grab a few things and treated myself to a decaf mocha frappachino from Starbucks - something I craved often during my pregnancy with Finley. And then I went back to pick Finley up, not even three hours after dropping him off. The two providers in his room were really sweet and told me he did really well and that it was as if he's been there before as he just seemed very content. . . If only his momma could be as content!

I told the ladies at daycare that Finn wouldn't be back until Thursday as I plan on soaking up all my time with him these next two days!

Headed home from my first stint at daycare!


  1. You are one smart lady to test it all out! Glad they made you feel welcome and were ready for Finn!
    I didn't know you had a bike! Ben and I used to go to the river walk all the time and he would also go there and then ride to work! I miss riding with him and riding altogether...spin doesn't cut it. Another reason for y'all to move to wa...lots of beautiful riding here!
    Will be praying for you for sure on Thursday!

  2. I had no idea about that statue on the river walk, so perfect.

    I am glad that you survived your afternoon without sweet Finn, I know that Thursday will be so hard and I will be thinking of you.

  3. You're doing great, Caroline. It must have been SO hard to drop him off. I can only imagine. Sending love your way.

  4. I can only imagine how tough daycare will be (for you), but to be able TO drop him off...that's amazing :)

    That statue is amazing. I hate how baby loss is so taboo and that just feels like one way to get people to stop and think...and remember what we remember.

  5. 1) Finn is yummy :)
    2) I'm sure it's a scary propect to leave him at daycare.
    3) that figure/statue is awesome... Devastating it exists, of course, but beautiful.