May 8, 2012

As Mother's Day Approaches. . .

I saw a lot of baby lost parents celebrate "International Bereaved Mother's Day" this past Sunday, but that just wasn't something I could jump on board with. In the hopes that I don't offend anyone, I guess I just don't want to just be banished to a made up holiday. Like all moms (and dads) who have lost a child, more than anything, we just want to be included. To be normal. And above all else to be recognized as a mother (or father) on the days that were made for that very reason. Plus something just seemed off about wishing someone a "happy bereaved mother's day" - just the juxtaposition of those two words (happy and bereaved) right next to each other seemed odd to me.

But as actual Mother's Day approaches, I can't help but feel on guard. I can't help but wonder how many times I will hear someone, with probably the best of intentions, wish me a Happy first Mother's Day. And I wonder what that will do for my fragile ego and how much it will sting. Because after losing Cale, I really truly did feel like I at least gained the title "Mother." Maybe I wasn't a "parent" until Finn came along and we were actually able to parent him, but a mother is something I have been for a couple of years now. And mothering a child who is no longer living can be tough work. That's why I almost always wear a Cale piece of jewelry or try to do little things, every once in awhile, that make me feel like I can still be him mom despite his absence. Sometimes, most of the time, that just means talking about him. Sharing him. Loving him.

I'm so thankful that I'll have Finn in my arms this Mother's Day. But my heart will certainly be heavy for all those who are missing loved ones.

The above pictures are Cale and the bottom ones, Finn. My sweet boys. The reason I'm a mom.

In other news - I appreciate all the kind comments people had on my last post regarding my sister-in-law Jenny. She found out that her cancer is stage 2 (which is certainly better than 3 or 4), and she will begin chemo on Thursday. It will occur every other week, possibly for the next six months. So thank you for the kindness - the prayers and well wishes are much appreciated.


  1. I totally get your thought process. I wish this wasn't any of our realities. I wish no one had to think of a bereaved mothers day. I wish all of our children were with us. Thinking of you on this mothers day dear friend

  2. Gah, just saw this after I sent the other message.

    I hope you don't have too many insensitive people misunderstanding what Mother's Day should be for you. In my humble opinion, your first Mother's Day was in 2010 before Cale was born, because whether your baby is in utero or in your arms, you are a mother. The second both Cale and Finley's souls were created you became their mother and will be for all eternity. No arbitrary holiday can change that.

    I love how there's no doubt that they are brothers in their pictures, thanks for sharing them again.

  3. You are an amazing mom to two amazing lil boys!
    Love ya!

  4. This is such a great way to describe it, Caroline. I feel much the same way. Both your boys are so precious on ultrasound. I love the expression on Cale's face!

  5. Yes to all of this! I have found so much relief and such positive interactions from deliberately talking about Eliza as my co-workers ask me about this pregnancy. Sadly, I've connected with several women who have also experienced a pregnancy loss of some kind, but (with very few exceptions--like maybe making awkward small talk at a nail salon) I always say no when people ask if this is my first pregnancy. I'm already a mom, thanks to Eliza, and I don't want to be treated like a naive newbie. I know just as much (maybe more?) about the depth of a mother's love as anybody else out there.

  6. Yes, we are mothers from the start - I believe that, too - even when the world can't see it. Your pictures are so beautiful! :)

  7. I completely get what you mean. I think we all jut want to be recognized for what we are- mothers. You are an amazing mom and I'm so happy to know you and your sweet boys. I love the pictures of both of them while you were carrying them. Beautiful ♥

  8. computer did something stupid. I had a whole comment typed up. It's gone now. So, I'll just say that I love the pictures you have with both of your boys. Such treasures. Also, you're pretty pregnant, not all swollen and puffy (like I was)! :)