We're having a boy! I now get to think of all sorts of cool man things to teach him, like ninja skills, game with the ladies, home repair, etc. I really wish I had taken an auto shop class somewhere along the line.
So needless to say, he was excited and I think he did have a preference all along.
With Finn, I needed him to be a boy. Miles again said he was fine either way, but I knew that even though I would have grown to love the idea of a girl, it would have taken a lot longer for me to digest. Cale can never be replaced. Ever. And Finn didn't do that. But he gave us the chance to still parent a son and fulfill a dream that had been so cruelly taken from us in June of 2010.
But finding out his gender was not nearly as exciting as it was with Cale. We were going to find out around the same time (15 weeks) but it would be at the MFM appointment I had scheduled. But just prior to that appointment, I had a regular OB appointment, in which my doctor had not planned on doing an ultrasound. My OB, who was a Saint during that pregnancy, had put the doppler to my belly and picked up the heartbeat only to lose it after the baby moved away. He was relaxed, but I was not. He immediately said, "I heard it - I know it's there, but let me get the ultrasound in here to show you that everything is ok." I nodded while I cried and he smiled and said "you just wanted to find out the gender!" And yes, that was a perk - but I was crying because I was a hot mess and oh my god hurry up and find that heartbeat again. He did right away, and I was able to calm down. And then he took a peek to see if baby would cooperate and before he said anything, my eloquent and charming husband said, "I think I see a dong." My OB laughed and said, "yeah, I think I do too." My tears kept coming but they were really happy tears at that point.
So with the boys I knew from around 15 weeks. I'm currently 25 weeks. And we don't know gender. And we're keeping it that way. This time I genuinely don't have any hang ups and will be happy either way. All we need is healthy. All we need is to get to bring this baby home. A girl would be amazing - I'd love to have a daughter and the clothes, oh the clothes! I'd love for Finn to have a baby sister and see what kind of a brother he would be to her. But a boy would be so incredible too. My son should have a living brother right now. So I would love for him to get that chance. I think same gender siblings are often times closer and I would love to be a mama to all boys. So there will be so much happiness either way. But the truth is there will be a little sadness too - for having another boy would mean that I most likely will never have a daughter. And a girl would mean that Finn's only brother is one he doesn't get to wrestle with and get into trouble with.
The only reservation I have about not knowing the gender is the scary "what if..." If we lose this baby, will I regret not knowing ahead of time what we are having? I don't know. But went into this crazy ride hoping that wouldn't happen, despite knowing it could. To be honest I don't think it would be any harder - losing a baby is awful. Losing a boy versus a girl? Just as awful.
But I am still hopeful. I am still excited. I'm bonding with this baby, taking pictures, and enjoying every little movement. I think not knowing the gender is also the right thing for us during this pregnancy as not only is it very likely my last rodeo when it comes to pregnancies, but it also helps keep an element of excitement that I know I'll need, especially near the end.
Lad or lassie - doesn't matter. We love you already little one.