September 18, 2013

The Gender

When I was pregnant with Cale I had hoped that he would be a boy because I loved the idea of a big brother. Probably because that's how my family is - my brother is the oldest followed by my sister and then me, the baby. Obviously yes, we just wanted healthy - but I think it's very normal to have a desire one way or the other. At 15+ weeks we went to a 3D place to get an ultrasound and find out the gender. As we drove there I said to Miles that I would feel guilty for being a little disappointed if we were having a girl, but I suspected we were having a boy. I don't really think it was mother's intuition as I've never had a strong sense of that - I think I just was hoping for boy and guessed correctly. Miles had said he didn't really care either way, but when we came home from that ultrasound he posted this to facebook. It's worth mentioning that this was probably one of the last posts Miles put on facebook as he's never on it - probably doesn't remember his password now.

We're having a boy! I now get to think of all sorts of cool man things to teach him, like ninja skills, game with the ladies, home repair, etc. I really wish I had taken an auto shop class somewhere along the line.

So needless to say, he was excited and I think he did have a preference all along.

With Finn, I needed him to be a boy. Miles again said he was fine either way, but I knew that even though I would have grown to love the idea of a girl, it would have taken a lot longer for me to digest. Cale can never be replaced. Ever. And Finn didn't do that. But he gave us the chance to still parent a son and fulfill a dream that had been so cruelly taken from us in June of 2010.

But finding out his gender was not nearly as exciting as it was with Cale. We were going to find out around the same time (15 weeks) but it would be at the MFM appointment I had scheduled. But just prior to that appointment, I had a regular OB appointment, in which my doctor had not planned on doing an ultrasound. My OB, who was a Saint during that pregnancy, had put the doppler to my belly and picked up the heartbeat only to lose it after the baby moved away. He was relaxed, but I was not. He immediately said, "I heard it - I know it's there, but let me get the ultrasound in here to show you that everything is ok." I nodded while I cried and he smiled and said "you just wanted to find out the gender!" And yes, that was a perk - but I was crying because I was a hot mess and oh my god hurry up and find that heartbeat again. He did right away, and I was able to calm down. And then he took a peek to see if baby would cooperate and before he said anything, my eloquent and charming husband said, "I think I see a dong." My OB laughed and said, "yeah, I think I do too." My tears kept coming but they were really happy tears at that point.

So with the boys I knew from around 15 weeks. I'm currently 25 weeks. And we don't know gender. And we're keeping it that way. This time I genuinely don't have any hang ups and will be happy either way. All we need is healthy. All we need is to get to bring this baby home. A girl would be amazing - I'd love to have a daughter and the clothes, oh the clothes! I'd love for Finn to have a baby sister and see what kind of a brother he would be to her. But a boy would be so incredible too. My son should have a living brother right now. So I would love for him to get that chance. I think same gender siblings are often times closer and I would love to be a mama to all boys. So there will be so much happiness either way. But the truth is there will be a little sadness too - for having another boy would mean that I most likely will never have a daughter. And a girl would mean that Finn's only brother is one he doesn't get to wrestle with and get into trouble with.

The only reservation I have about not knowing the gender is the scary "what if..." If we lose this baby, will I regret not knowing ahead of time what we are having? I don't know. But went into this crazy ride hoping that wouldn't happen, despite knowing it could. To be honest I don't think it would be any harder - losing a baby is awful. Losing a boy versus a girl? Just as awful.

But I am still hopeful. I am still excited. I'm bonding with this baby, taking pictures, and enjoying every little movement. I think not knowing the gender is also the right thing for us during this pregnancy as not only is it very likely my last rodeo when it comes to pregnancies, but it also helps keep an element of excitement that I know I'll need, especially near the end.

Lad or lassie - doesn't matter. We love you already little one.

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10 comments:

  1. Those boxes...we're to be pink and blue hearts...meaning I'm excited to see what this lil hildago will be!
    Continuing to pray for a healthy lil lad or lassie!

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  2. Lad or Lassie - doesn't matter. We love you already little one

    Truer words have rarely been spoken!

    I know exactly how you feel on this one. We needed Lillian to be a girl but if we ever were insane enough to consider another pregnancy I do not think we would find out for all the same reasons you are.

    Though with my complicated medical history it is impossible NOT to find out. Ah, innocence.

    I am hopeful with you. I am excited with you. Sending love for baby Hidalgo!

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  3. I know some people say they have to know ahead of time because they want to "get to know" the baby before its born and--just in case--something terrible happens and they don't get to know the baby after. But I never felt like that. You know this baby, you love this baby. Waiting to find out if this perfect little person is a boy or a girl is the most incredible surprise I can imagine.

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  4. Very similar experience to mine with Theo that you had with Finn! We found out the gender at 14 weeks all because at a regular appt with our OB, his heartbeat got all shoty. And then on US, oops, there's the little guys little guy! I was convinced up until that day that the baby was a girl. Maybe I did that for my own level of self preservation so I wouldnt feel "let down". Not that a girl wouldn't be equally as welcome... It's just I thought I wouldn't get the chance to ever have a loving boy in my life.

    If we ever go down this road again, I want to keep gender a surprise. Good for you guys! I'm so excited for you, and can't wait until this next little bundle of love is safe and sound on his/her birthday. <3

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  5. Lordy. I totally understand all this. Especially the bit about wanting Finn to have a brother (because that's what should be anyway) and also a sister because this might be your only go at pregnancy and having a girl.

    Totally, totally hear you. Coming from the girl who will be finding out and will still maintain the feelings I just repeated.

    I'm glad I knew Andrew was a boy and I was able to call him by name. That did matter to me. Not so much that he was a boy, but that I was able to call him by name to everyone. It made him real and I really am thankful for that. But as for the bonding... I'll bond with whatever decides to inhabit my uterus. haha. :)

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  6. Yep- understand all of this. Knowing that this little baby I'm carrying is a boy comes with so many emotions. Just like everything else for us.

    Loving this little one right along with you. Can't wait to for the surprise :)

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  7. You are so patient with not finding out! I hate secrets and could never not know! But I'm so excited for the Hidalgo family - and if I were to take a guess I say BOY! Boys are so much fun. But you are so right about all those girl clothes... and the BOWs... oh those bows! Sending you healthy, happy thoughts always, mama.

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  8. <3
    Whoever that baby is, he/she is so so lucky to have the most incredible family ever.

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  9. I felt so much of this during my pregnancy with Abigail. You're so patient to be able to wait! I can't stand it! I wanna know the first second I'm able to!

    Loving baby Hidalgo number 3. And all that he or she is and will be!

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