New Year's Resolutions

(in no particular order)

1. Read more. Read more of the news - be more engaged with what's going on in the world. Read to Finn more and read at least one book a month. Seems very doable, but I certainly didn't read 12 books last year and easily could and probably should have. Got any good recommendations?

2. Workout more. Get more miles under my feet, with the BOB, on the bike, etc. Participate in my first triathlon.

3. Capture memories. I've been pretty good about taking lots of pictures of Finn, but I want to ensure I keep this up. Our little guy turns ONE this year - what the what!? I don't want to miss a second of it. I also have a few scrapbooks that I've been working on for far too long or have yet to start (Cale's album), so need to get busy.

4. Continue to find ways to celebrate and honor Cale. We are moving this year so I know I will make a new garden for him at our new home, but moving means new friends and a chance to tell new people about him. I want to find ways to ensure he's still a part of not just 2012, but a part of our forever.

5. Maintain relationships. Certainly important as we move, but something to always work at. I have some amazing friends. Some in this little online community, some in "real life" and they have helped me through the darkest and hardest times in my life. As my grief gets easier to manage, I want to do a better job at being a part of their lives as they were a part of mine when I needed them most.

6. Be a better wife. If I ever stop wanting to be a better wife, I think something in our relationship is wrong. Sure I want to strangle Miles at times, but he's a wonderful husband, father and friend. He deserves my very best.

7. Travel. We just completed a cross country trip with a baby and a dog (more on that later). While I wouldn't do it all over again right away, I know that trips, especially short ones, are possible with a lot in tow. I want to visit at least a few new places we have never been to and travel to places we have been to see the people we love (here's looking at you Kate)

8. Give. With the transition to stay at home mom and going down to one income, we may not be able to give as much financially as we have in the past, but there are still so many ways to reach out and give to others and support important causes.

I am sure I have a handful of other resolutions, but these seem to be the most important, or all I can think of at the moment. So in closing, I will leave you with this silly picture. Yesterday was not just New Year's Eve, but also the 4th birthday of our beloved Roscoe. Happy birthday spoiled pup, and happy new year to all!

Merry Christmas

Rainbow Christmas

This past weekend I got together with my dear friends Rhiannon and Priscilla to do a little photo shoot with the babies. Priscilla is a very talented photographer and is in the beginning stages of starting up her own little business. It's great to be friends with someone like this - I feel like I get to mooch of her talent. She got this cute picture great idea from Pinterest. So we hung up some lights, got out a sheet, and put our adorable kiddos in front of the camera.

Medical Records

Since my time in the Army is ending in the next few months (finally!), I recently went to request copies of all my medical records. All my appointments, labs, exams, deliveries, all of it. I received a massive file. Probably a quarter of it paperwork from my pregnancy with Finn which didn't surprise me - after all, I probably had close to fifty appointments during my pregnancy with him. But when going through that massive stack of papers I of course couldn't help but get very emotional when looking through all the records of my appointments with Cale. He was always the perfect baby -always growing right on track, healthy, and always (until the end) easy to hear on the doppler. I read through my last appointment - June 24, 2010. It was a routine appointment. No surprises. I was 2cm dilated, 80% effaced and had a healthy baby with a nice strong heartbeat. Four days later, the paperwork would tell another story. Four days later my hospital records would show nasty four-letter words like IUFD - intrauterine fetal demise. It gives me the chills to even see that word, much less type it. I sat looking through my medical records for a good thirty minutes. I read doctor's notes like "patient had previous stillbirth at 39 weeks," or "patient still grieving the loss of her son, but is physically healing well" or "Gravida - 2 (when I was pregnant with Finn), Living Children at home - 0" and it still feels surreal at times. Like I'm reading someone else's very sad, sad story. But it's my story, and my name all over the pages, and my baby who is referred to as a "loss," a "demise" and it breaks my heart every time.

I'm not really sure where this post is going. I think I'm just in a mood. I think I'm just missing my boy. I can't wait to go home and kiss his brother and squeeze him tight. I just wish I was going home to two little boys.

I've mentioned our friends the Hopes before. Their son Johnathan was stillborn three months to the day after we lost Cale. Greg (the dad) was in our wedding and one of Miles' good friends. Miles and Greg are really close with another guy, Kyle, from college who was also in our wedding. Our friend Kyle's wife gave birth via emergency c-section on Saturday. Their son Andy was born at 35 weeks and is doing well, but will be in the NICU for a little bit to help his lungs mature some more. His mom has HELLPS Syndrome and is in the ICU at another hospital. She hasn't even met her son yet. Kyle, who got back from deployment less than a week ago, is driving back and forth between two hospitals to check on his little family. And I just can't help but wonder what happened!? What happened to the world where people just got pregnant and had babies and lived happily ever after?! Was I really that naive to think, to hope, that it would work out that way? I guess so. Because in our small little circle of friends there has been too much loss and too much tribulation to bring babies into this world. Babies who are wanted and loved. We aren't a bunch of crack addicts. We aren't a bunch of child abusers. We are insured and educated and responsible people. So why us? Why any of us?

Our little Cale would have been 18 months at the end of this month. I'm sure he would have been adorable. He was adorable. He was so much more than my medical records convey. So, so much more.

For Sammy

A little boy named Sammy should be turning two today. I met his mom through the online support group I joined after we lost Cale. His mom shared something really wonderful that I wanted to pass along. JCPenney is sponsoring the Salvation Army's Angel Giving Tree where you can adopt a child in need and help make their Christmas a little better. Sammy's mom Emily adopted a little boy around the age that Sammy would have been. What a beautiful gesture to do for her son - to honor him by helping someone else.

Miles and I decided we wanted to follow suit so we adopted a little boy who is close in age to how old Cale would have been this Christmas (18 months). I had tears in my eyes as I read the simple requests for this little tyke - shirts, pants, shoes, toy cars and trucks. Oh I wish I was buying toy trucks for my little guy, but since I can't I may as well help another little boy.

There are a lot of special birthdays coming up - Addison, Andrew, Eliza, Livy and so many others. And a common theme that I've seen is that these amazing parents want to honor and celebrate their children through good deeds - by asking others to do something kind for someone else. How perfect for this season. How perfect for their babies.

So tonight I celebrate little Sammy by doing good in his honor. I find it especially fitting that it's called the Angel Giving Tree. And hopefully this Christmas, the little boy in Georgia who we "adopted" will get the joy he deserves when playing with his new toy cars and trucks.