Sunny Weather

Today I went to the post office to mail a few things before heading over to a friends house. I go to our local post office pretty frequently so wasn't surprised when this conversation took place today with one of the employees:

Sweet Old Man: Didn't you just have a baby about a year ago? {he said it as I'm very obviously pregnant again and I think he was just surprised to see me pregnant so soon after being pregnant the last time}
Me: I did, but unfortunately he passed away.
SOM: {eyes widen} Oh I'm so sorry.
Me: Thank you.
SOM: I'm sure that's just been really hard.
Me: It has.

He then asked me about Miles and how he's doing (he can easily tell what line of work Miles is in from the type from the boxes I send him). But it wasn't one of those moments that I left and got really sad or upset about. And I realized that's because he handled it like I hope most people would, but some fail to do. Basically he wasn't a social retard. He seemed very genuine with his condolence and he didn't ignore what I said or try to focus on something else. And that meant a lot to me.

After leaving the post office I went to meet a friend at another friends house. If you don't live near the ocean, the I highly recommend making friends with someone who has a pool! Plus, I will only brave wearing a bikini at almost 8 months pregnant when I'm with the comfort of friends and not out in public! The weather was beautiful and hopefully I got a little color on this sad pale, pale body!

Yes, I have the greatest dog ever. At least the most patient.

Guilt

I didn't go to church on Easter. There, I said it. I know, worst Catholic ever. I mean, lots of church go-er's are CEO's anyway (Christmas and Easter Only), but I would like to say I attend church on a somewhat regular basis. But when Miles is gone, it's harder to go by myself. Church sometimes brings out emotions I didn't know wanted to come out right there and then. And I don't like being unprepared for that. I'm very type A. I like to plan. I like to prepare. And if nothing else, I like to have my husband there to hold my hand when I can't get through the first verse of "Be Not Afraid" or "On Eagles' Wings" (those get me every time).

As a side note as I was google-ing (what is the verb form of google?) the lyrics for "On Eagles' Wings," there was a link for a YouTube video which is a memorial for all babies who have died prematurely. Seriously!? Now I definitely will never be able to make it through that song!

 This is why I should have gone to church. There probably would have been something that just seemed like it was meant for me to hear. I think that's part of what is comforting, albeit emotionally gut-wrenching, about going to church. Sometimes the service just seems as though it's made for you and you alone.

My fellow baby-loss-blog-never actually met in real life-friend Brandy wrote a really great post on her experience in church. (Hope you don't mind the shout out Brandy). And I thought it was worth sharing. She had one of those experiences in church where it's as if the service was made just for her.

But I knew that this Easter in particular was one that I was particularly vulnerable for. I knew I would look around and see all the sweet kids dressed in precious outfits and dresses and my mind would wander. I would wonder what we would have dressed Cale in, wonder what kind of basket I would have gotten for him even though he would have been too young to really think anything of it. And I would think of Daren and miss him and wonder what it's like to spend Easter in Heaven. I mean, I'm pretty sure that Easter and Christmas are pretty sweet holidays to celebrate in Heaven. And while I did still have these thoughts, I avoided thinking too much about them, or at least getting too sad, by avoiding going to church where they would have been brought to the surface to face. And I felt guilty for it. Good Catholic guilt, I suppose. I should have gone. So by the early evening, I said some prayers and I did some soul searching. And I I did a lot of thinking about God, about the meaning of Easter, about my relationship with Christ and my faith in general. And I thought about my beautiful baby and his uncle Daren, who are in Heaven looking down on us. And all this thinking actually brought me comfort. And I'm guessing the same would have happened in church . . . it just may have been with lots of tissues and runny mascara.

Happy Easter

I'm not really in the mood to type much as I just feel like it's be all over the place and I'd go off on random tangents. . . so I'm just going to post a lot of pictures and give my updates in captions. . . Enjoy!

 

My in-laws drove down for a couple of days. I love having visitors as it helps pass the time and well, it beats being lonely! Having visitors who clean and cook is just icing on the cake!

We recently purchased a new car with the assistance of my father-in-law. I shouldn't even say that he "assisted" . . .I mean, he basically did everything. I signed some papers that came in the mail, I got a new car delivered to my door (literally), and someone came to pick up my old car that we traded in. Roscoe and I are very pleased with the new ride!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

 

I spent part of my Easter Sunday with my friend Jodi and her daughter Katelyn. I've known Katelyn since before she was born and somehow she just keeps getting cuter and cuter!

 

 Speaking of cute! . . . Don't worry, he's used to it by now. Trust me.

 Not sure who was hunting for Easter Eggs.

30+ weeks.

Weekend Recap

This past weekend I had some very wonderful friends in town for a visit. It's so nice to have visitors when Miles is in Disneyland as it really does help the time pass and gives me something to look forward to. I wish I could give you a recap of all the fun things we did or share pictures from all the neat places we went to, but unfortunately I was a pretty lame host. Seriously, we didn't even get pedicures - the ONE thing I had planned to do.

We did attempt to get a 3D/4D Ultrasound done of the baby, but he didn't want to cooperate and kept his legs and feet in front of his face pretty much the entire time. I went to the same place when I was pregnant with Cale and he was equally difficult, except instead of his feet he kept his hands in front of his face. I was able to go back a few days later and get some great images though and hopefully that will be the same with his stubborn brother. Here are a couple adorable ones anyway :)

The Baby Loss Community

In one of my recent blog posts I mentioned how I feel like an outsider in the Mommy world. And to be honest, even when we do one day have children we get to raise, I think I will always feel like a bit of an outsider. (side note - it took me a second to decide how I wanted to word that sentence - saying "if" we have children seems so pessimistic, but saying "when" almost sounds too confident, but at the end of the day, someway, somehow I am confident that we'll have kids). Anyway, I digress. . .

While I may not feel that I totally fit in with the rest of the Mommy world, there is this whole other community in which I do fit in. I'm part of the Baby Loss Community. I had to pay the steep cost of admission to enter the club and it's a club I can never leave and never wanted to join in the first place. But as much as I hate that I'm in the club, I feel a strange sense of pride being a part of it.

Yesterday I was with two other club members, Rhiannon and Priscilla. We were out enjoying some frozen yogurt (something we need to make a regular occurence. . .hint, hint!), and I was thinking how fortunate I am to have them to talk to, especially when it comes to all things baby-loss. They get it. They've been there. Rhiannon's daughter Harper was born three days before Cale. Rhiannon had gone into pre-term labor and unfortunately Harper passed away just shortly after she was born. Rhiannon and I met through a gift exchange back in December and through her and the blogging world, I met Priscilla who also lives nearby. Priscilla's baby-loss experience is especially sad as it's not just limited to one baby. Her first son Jacob was born still at 21 weeks after her water broke unexpectedly. After Jacob, she endured the pain of a miscarriage, and then in December of 2009, her third pregnancy ended when her daughter Olivia was stillborn at 36 weeks for no known reason.

 It is a very tragic blessing that I have people close by to navigate my way through life after loss, but especially pregnancy after loss. All three of us are expecting our rainbow babies in the coming months. And I would love nothing more than to get to experience the joys of parenting with these two ladies. After our mid-day treat, I was thinking about all the other members of our club and that's when I felt a sense of pride in my membership. Don't get me wrong, I would give up that membership if I could, but I can't. And neither can any of the other amazing women I have met since joining.

Right after we lost Cale, a friend of mine sent me a link to a support group specific to stillbith. I was a little skeptical at first, but joining it has been one of the best things I did for myself. I was able to talk about the vast range of emotions you experience after suffering a stillbirth. And I was able to cross paths with people who were further along in their healing, people who were able to help give me hope when hope seemed like such a far-off concept. I remember reading a post by a woman named Lisa. She was sharing her one year post-stillbirth story (this was not even a week after I had lost Cale that I was reading her story). Her first son Daren was stillborn at term and she found out the same day we had, June 28th, only a year before me. She delivered her son on the 29th and was writing to reach out to all of us who were new to the group. At the time she was pregnant (she has since given birth to Daren's beautiful baby sister Zoey) and she was so willing to open up about her experiences - both in grieving for her son and with the emotions that accompany a pregnancy afterwards. Lisa was the first person to give me hope. Hope that one day I would be pregnant again, that I would slowly by surely find peace, and that I wouldn't be in that terrible dark place forever. Then I met Janie (also through the support group). She was also a little further along in the baby-loss journey than I was, but like Lisa, was just so willing to open up to me and share her experience, listen to me, and just comfort me. Janie's little boy Sam was stillborn at term as well. A few months after connecting with Janie, she introduced me to Amy, mom to Jacob, who made that sweet little ornament for me I posted a few months back.

Next I met Abby. (And I say "met" but I have never actually met these ladies although I certainly feel like I've known them forever).  Abby had recently given birth to her rainbow baby Darus. She was the first person who I connected with who had already gone on to have a successful pregnancy and delivery after stillbirth. Her first, a beautiful little girl named Nia, was stillborn for unknown reasons, possibly a cord accident. It was as if Abby knew what to say to me and when I needed to hear it. She would continually check in on me those first few months and it always seemed to come at the right time - when I was having a tough day or week. And she's been a huge source of support during this pregnancy. She's given me advice, listened to me vent, and just been a very dear and very genuine friend to me through all of this.

I've also become friends with Jodi whose sweet little Emerson was stillborn last July due to placenta abruption. While it was so great to have new friends like those mentioned above, it was also nice to have people who were at the same point in their journey. We could help each other and in the process help ourselves. Jodi also started this great Book Exchange through the website she created in honor of Emerson (in addition to other projects in honor of him). Through this, grieving parents can share books that have helped them, and pass them on to someone else who can benefit. She had sent me a book about Pregnancy After Loss (in fact, I think that is the title of the book), but it was one I already owned. So I was able to send that book on to my sweet friend Lauren.

You see Lauren is someone who I know in real-life (as opposed to the online community). Lauren and I met years ago through our then boyfriends, now husbands.  Exactly three month after Cale was born, Lauren gave birth to her sweet Johnathan, who just like Cale, died as the result of an umbilical cord accident as Lauren was going in to labor (our stories are eerily similar). When Lauren lost John, I had a really hard time as I found myself going through a period of re-grief. Here was someone I know experiencing the pain and suffering I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But Lauren's experience was the first encounter in which I really saw that good will come from Cale's life. Because of him I was better able to reach out and understand what she was going through and hopefully provide just a little bit of comfort, something I wouldn't have been able to do had it not been for Cale. I'm not saying that I think Cale's death had a purpose. I don't believe that my baby had to die so that I could better understand those who will experience this tragedy, but I do believe that good will come out of Cale's life and it wasn't until Johnathan was born that I was able to see how his life was already impacting others.

Yikes, I just realized how long this post is becoming. And I haven't even mentioned HALF of the baby loss mommas I've been so blessed to meet (online or in "real" life). There's Brooke (mom to Briar) who not only lives close by, but her husband and mine used to work together (small world, right?). There's Nicole (mom to Caroline); Tiffany who is the mom of Julius , a beautiful little boy who died of SIDS at 4 months old, Brandy (mom to Andrew) who has a wittiness about her that I find very refreshing, Molly (mom to Hayes) whose blog I stumbled upon after ready Brandy's, and SO many others who I honestly can say I wish I never knew, at least not under these circumstances. But I'm so glad that I do. I'm so glad that I have these amazing people to turn to when I'm feeling down or vulnerable, people who understand and relate. It gives me strength and helps me not just survive life, but enjoy it . . . because we all know just how fragile life really is and what a blessing it is.

So while I don't want this little blog to just be a baby-loss blog, I also don't want to pretend like it's not a part of who I am. And to all of you who are in this club, thank you - for being there, for being you.

If there is anyone who wants me to take them (or the links to their blog) out of this post, please let me know! And I hope I didn't offend any of the other AMAZING people I've met along the way by not mentioning them - there are so many others I'd be writing for days! So it has nothing to do with how important you are to me, more so that I'm lazy and sick of typing :)