April 26, 2011

Guilt

I didn't go to church on Easter. There, I said it. I know, worst Catholic ever. I mean, lots of church go-er's are CEO's anyway (Christmas and Easter Only), but I would like to say I attend church on a somewhat regular basis. But when Miles is gone, it's harder to go by myself. Church sometimes brings out emotions I didn't know wanted to come out right there and then. And I don't like being unprepared for that. I'm very type A. I like to plan. I like to prepare. And if nothing else, I like to have my husband there to hold my hand when I can't get through the first verse of "Be Not Afraid" or "On Eagles' Wings" (those get me every time).

As a side note as I was google-ing (what is the verb form of google?) the lyrics for "On Eagles' Wings," there was a link for a YouTube video which is a memorial for all babies who have died prematurely. Seriously!? Now I definitely will never be able to make it through that song!


 This is why I should have gone to church. There probably would have been something that just seemed like it was meant for me to hear. I think that's part of what is comforting, albeit emotionally gut-wrenching, about going to church. Sometimes the service just seems as though it's made for you and you alone.

My fellow baby-loss-blog-never actually met in real life-friend Brandy wrote a really great post on her experience in church. (Hope you don't mind the shout out Brandy). And I thought it was worth sharing. She had one of those experiences in church where it's as if the service was made just for her.

But I knew that this Easter in particular was one that I was particularly vulnerable for. I knew I would look around and see all the sweet kids dressed in precious outfits and dresses and my mind would wander. I would wonder what we would have dressed Cale in, wonder what kind of basket I would have gotten for him even though he would have been too young to really think anything of it. And I would think of Daren and miss him and wonder what it's like to spend Easter in Heaven. I mean, I'm pretty sure that Easter and Christmas are pretty sweet holidays to celebrate in Heaven. And while I did still have these thoughts, I avoided thinking too much about them, or at least getting too sad, by avoiding going to church where they would have been brought to the surface to face. And I felt guilty for it. Good Catholic guilt, I suppose. I should have gone. So by the early evening, I said some prayers and I did some soul searching. And I I did a lot of thinking about God, about the meaning of Easter, about my relationship with Christ and my faith in general. And I thought about my beautiful baby and his uncle Daren, who are in Heaven looking down on us. And all this thinking actually brought me comfort. And I'm guessing the same would have happened in church . . . it just may have been with lots of tissues and runny mascara.



5 comments:

  1. I went to church. For the first time in my life, I regret it - for the exact reasons you just listed and then some. I was doing pretty well watching all the cute little ones running up the aisle to show off their new outfits to neighbors. We sat with a friend who is home from Iraq on his mid-tour leave and he just met his 5 month old daughter for the first time. Although I am happy for him, it hurt so much to see how proud he was of his daughter and how he could shout it to the world.

    I did break down in tears about half way through the homily, as the entire message was 'those with the son in their life have everything and those without the son have nothing'. I am not so niave as to believe that he was talking about my son and that without my son I have nothing - but it was so darn hard to hear 'the son, the son! We are so blessed to have his son!'
    I felt like a freak of nature. We sat in the back of the church to begin with (apparently arriving 35 minutes early is not early enough), but it was impossible to leave with all of the people standing in the back. So there I was, stranded and sobbing amongst some of my close friends and my husband was by my side, but still I felt so alone.

    I doubt I will go to church on Easter next year. We will see...

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  2. I was truly prepared for the worst, but I went anyway hoping for the best, and it got it! Church is a struggle for me every Sunday. I cry every time. Usually, there are other struggles added to the Hayes' death struggles, like babies in my face, seeing my dr, etc. So I just knew Easter would be terrible for me, but it was more peaceful and uplifting than I could've imagined. Don't get me wrong--there were tears, but I am glad I went. There's no way I would go alone though. I cannot imagine being upset and not having someone there. I guess you just never know what to expect, and that's the scariest part!

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  3. Oh girl... I regret going A LOT. Most Sundays that I'm not up for it, I don't go. But since it was Easter and Ray was with me, we went. If he was not with me, there would've been a nearly 100% chance I wouldn't have attended.

    CEO. Never heard of that! That was what I was trying to convey but didn't have a term! Now I have one. :)

    Don't feel bad. At all. It doesn't make you a better person for attending anyone. We went through something extremely tragic and it's only fair that we choose how much we can handle in any given situation. Let's be honest... everyday is different, isn't it?

    I hope your day went well enough otherwise. And that song! I'm not familiar with it but for sure the fireworks would be on. Eek.

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  4. You're definitely not alone. We failed to make it this past week, too. Easter's a hard one when you see the cute little kids dressed up in their adorable outfits, while you're missing your angel(s). Hopefully next year will be much different! Darin and Cale will still be missed, but hopefully Cale's little brother will be there bringing much joy.

    On a side note, I was just talking to Rhiannon about CEOs, but couldn't remember the term, ha. That aspect is what made last Easter that much harder for me. There were double the amount of kids and none of them opted for the childcare services so they surrounded me, which I wasn't prepared for....

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