We had our first scare last night/early this morning. I had a little bleeding so we went to the Emergency Room. Calling it an "Emergency" room is a joke. There is no sense of urgency there what-so-ever. After our one our wait we were finally seen and they did a pelvic exam and an ultrasound. THANKFULLY, everything looked reassuring. But that doesn't mean we're out of the woods yet. I don't think I'll feel like I'm out of the woods until I'm holding a breathing, screaming baby. What was a little grain of rice last week looks more like blueberry this week. Well, the size of one anyway. I thought he/she looked bigger. And the heart was beating. We even got a reading - 154bmp. That made me really happy. But I follow up with my OB in two days. Hopefully everything continues to be ok and this was just one little bump in an already frightening journey.
I told Miles that part of me knew that we couldn't do anything if there's weren't going well and that I didn't know what to think. But part of me really did feel like everything was going to be ok. Yes, I was scared, but part of me felt very assured thinking that things were still fine. I'm thankful for those feelings because they helped keep me grounded. Maybe it says something about the power of positive thinking. Who knows.
Today at work a kind older man who is retiring in December as he is suffering from early on-set Alzheimer's asked me, "How's the little one?" It caught me off guard and I told him that unfortunately he passed away. He got really upset. He didn't really know what to say and almost looked like he was about to cry. I tried to comfort him and let him know I was doing ok and reassure him that it was ok that he asked, but he just was really lost for words and just reached out and grabbed my arm.
No one should ever have to tell another person that their child has died. It's just not supposed to work like that. Sometimes it makes me mad that I have to say that and other times I just get sad. For the most part, even if I experience one or both of those feelings, I'm doing much better and they don't take over, but I always walk away from experiences like that missing Cale so much. There is a perfect baby in Heaven waiting for his Mommy and Daddy and sometimes my desire to hold him again leaves me physically aching for him.
But as I put for this title - losing a child to stillbirth and going through a pregnancy after stillbirth aren't easy, and no one said they would be.