November 23, 2010

Sickness & Sadness

This morning I had my first experience with morning sickness. I was talking to a girl at work and all of a sudden felt very ill. Fortunately someone else came in the room to ask her a question and I told her I'd be right back. I rushed to the bathroom where I promptly yacked a couple times. I think it's probably my fault though as I was running late, forgot my banana that I normally eat in the car and hadn't eaten my yogurt yet. So there was nothing but juice in my stomach. I've felt a little "off" before, and did with Cale, but as long as I had something to eat, I was ok. But today it hit me. Hopefully I've learned my lesson and I can prevent it in the future.

That covers the "sickness" bit. The "sadness" bit involves last night. I was on my way home from work and Miles and I were headed over to some friends for their daughters First Birthday Party. As I was driving home I was thinking of what I needed to take care of before we left as we didn't have much time and I knew I still needed to wrap the gift. And then the sadness hit me. I'll never get to wrap present for Cale. He'll never have a first birthday (that we'll celebrate here on Earth anyway). And it made me so, so sad. I passed Miles in the neighborhood as he was headed out to pick up our dry-cleaning and he could tell something was wrong and called me and I just broke down. I told him how much I hate this all sometimes and how unfair it is. Eventually I got myself together, got ready, wrapped the gifts, and when Miles came back we left. I was fine at the party. It was a cute little party and I just didn't let sad thoughts get to me. But then when we got home and were in bed and Miles was reading and he looked over at me and said, "are you sad?" and I just broke down again. And it was bad. I told him you'd think I was right back to losing Cale just a few weeks ago. I don't really know where it came from. I was just needing to let out a good cry I guess. I know that it will come in stages and it will take me by surprise when it does. In general life is a little easier, a little less dark, but man did I just miss him so much last night! Maybe it was because it was a Monday. Who knows. Sometimes, after those little episodes, I'm almost thankful for them because it keeps his memory alive. I know he'll always be in my heart, but maybe, despite lots of tears, it's good to feel that intense longing for him as it keeps him "present" without actually being here. . .if that makes sense.

Anyway, hopefully tomorrow there is less sadness and sickness!

1 comment:

  1. It makes complete sense. I have finally gone a few consecutive days without crying and the babysteps continue...

    I look forward to staying updated on your experiences. Thank you for sharing.