November 2, 2010

Secret Blog

For now this blog will be a secret. I'm just going to use it as a virtual journal. I think it will be good for me to write out my feelings. I guess I'm in the "healing process." I wonder how long a person stays there. I don't think you just wake up one day and think, "oh, I'm healed now" and then move on with your life. It just doesn't work like that. But I do think one day I will wake up and think, "boy, I haven't cried in a long time," or something along those lines. Things like that are already starting to happen. After losing Cale life was counted in days and then weeks. I counted the weeks until recently when I hit four months. Now I count in months. I think that might be healthy. It might be nothing too though. I guess anytime you experience anything tragic in life your "new" life gets calculated by how long it has been since the tragedy.

Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions, much like the last four months. I was reading a very sad post on the Faces of Loss Website about a sweet baby boy who died at 4 1/2 months from SIDS. I sent his mom an e-mail to let her know how sorry I was. I like reaching to people. Saying things that I think are comforting, or at least hope are comforting, help bring me comfort. I think that is one of the beauties of grief - you survive it by helping and getting help from people who are also in the midst of grief. I can honestly say that I've never felt alone during this process. Sure, there are times I feel lonely and times I want to be alone, but I've had an AMAZING support group. They've manifested through old friends and new friends and family and mostly through Miles. Oh and let's not forget the dog. Roscoe, in his constant happiness, helps bring me happiness. Dogs are amazing.

Anyway, back to the rollercoaster - after I read the sad story, I got an e-mail from a dear friend of our family about one of her family members who has been battling breast cancer. Things aren't looking good for her. She has three young children. It is absolutely heartbreaking.

But after I sat and cried and talked to my friend, I realized that I LOVE life. I love the beauty that exists in every day things that we often take for granted. Yes, my heart is broken over losing Cale, and yes it saddens me to read about other moms losing their babies, or babies about to lose their moms, but when we are faced with the fragility of life we also are faced with the beauty of it.

It's really an amazing thing.

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