There are about two and a half weeks until my induction. It's close. It still feels very far away, but it's not. But as the anticipation and excitement mount, so too do a lot of other emotions. And it's made these last few weeks interesting to say the least.
In no particular order, these are some of the emotions I've been feeling:
Excitement: In a short time we will meet our son. Our second son. I can't wait to meet and hold him. At my last appointment, the doctor kept commenting that he thinks Finley has a lot of hair. It amazes me that they can see these things on ultrasounds (they can see a "fuzziness" and blur around the head). But more than once he said "gosh, he's just got a lot of hair." So I'm excited to see for myself and see what he looks like. I wonder if he looks like his brother, his dad, or maybe like me. And I get to find out soon. It may not feel like it all the time, but it's soon, and I can't wait.
Fear: I fear losing him. I fear all the terrible things that can happen. I fear going through everything we did with Cale all over again. One doctor I saw, who is really kind, tried to reassure me that the chance of it happening again were incredibly slim. That's true. But the chance of having it happen the first time were incredibly slim. My chances of having a stillborn are no greater and no less because it's already happened. Unfortunately there is no statute of limitations on tragedy.
Sadness: I miss Cale. The closer we get to meeting Finley, the closer we get to Cale's birthday. It brings back a lot of emotions. I think about his birth a lot and it makes me sad. It makes me sad to re-live those moments, yet I never want to stop re-living them and remembering everything about them. I just miss my baby. I just want him back.
Bitterness/Jealousy: Why did my baby have to die? Why did I go through a full healthy and normal pregnancy, only to have to say goodbye before we got to say hello? Why Cale? I see so many other pregnant women around me and while it's wonderful that most of them, if not all of them, will not experience this pain, it makes me a little jealous. It makes me bitter of the blissfulness they have. It makes me jealous of the me from a year ago. No, I don't know everyones story and yes, there are lots of other people who have been where I've been and lots of people who have experienced stories sadder than my own, but I'm still in this very, very small percentage of people who experienced a part of life that no one should have to endure. And not just me, but Miles too. We see people who don't deserve to be parents go on to have perfectly healthy children or parents who have children, but don't really understand how lucky they are. Why us? We can never answer the "why" questions, but it doesn't make them less painful. It doesn't make it any less unfair.
Happiness: I have a healthy baby growing inside right now. I love him and I got to (and always will) love Cale. I'm so lucky. (see, I told you these emotions were complicated - on one hand I feel incredibly unlucky, but on the other hand I know just how lucky I am). I'm happy because I am a mother to a baby who changed my life. I'm happy because I got to experience not one, but two beautiful and full pregnancies. I'm happy because my love for these babies and for Miles is continually strengthened because of all three of them (the more I love one, the more I love the others). I'm happy because I know first hand how incredible it is to hold your child, and have your heart, even when broken, be so full of love. I'm happy I'll get to do that again (hopefully sans broken heart).
Anger: I do get angry about what happened to Cale, but not often. It goes back to the unfairness of it all and naturally that stems a little anger. What angers me is the reaction, or lack there of, of others. And not just about losing our son, but about this pregnancy. This isn't my first pregnancy. And I hate it when it's treated that way. This really doesn't happen too often. And honestly, most people, my friends and family especially, are amazing. But sometimes people say things that really just piss me off. I don't like hearing advice about labor as if I've never been through it. I don't like hearing about how great it will be to be a mother. I am a mother. I just don't like it when Cale's life is discredited because it ended early. That's how it feels when people pretend like I've never been pregnant or delivered a baby. It's discrediting Cale and nothing angers me more.
Hope: It may not seem like it at times, especially with some of those other emotions, but I am very hopeful for our future. In my heart I think that everything will be ok this time, but I think that because I hope it to be true. Not because I know it will be true. Sometimes all you can do is rely on hope to get you through the tough times. Hope has carried me a long way since last June.
All these crazy emotions battle it out pretty frequently and are pretty intertwined. But as I write this we are closing in on another day. Another day closer to meeting our boy and seeing how this crazy life unfolds. . .