I hate facebook. I like that it's reconnected me with people and kept me in touch with people on a casual basis who I would want to stay in touch with on a casual, limited, I can like your pointless status every now and again sort of way. But I hate it too. I have contemplated deleting my account several times, like after Cale died and every picture posted was of a baby or every update was from a blissfully ignorant pregnant woman. But I didn't. And I received lots of wonderful words of love and support. And I still do to this day and that helps keep my shameful love-hate affair going. I think the other reason I can't justify deleting it is because I can't explain why I hate facebook so much, but enjoy blogging. I mean this is my space to do as I see fit - post what I want, share what pictures I want, but isn't facebook the same? It's just much more in your face. I guess that's what annoys me about it. I read blogs I want to read. Facebook just throws it all out there. I think the concept of Twitter is retarded and facebook really is the same thing. I don't care if you are cooking dinner or how fast you ran five miles. I don't need a play-by-play of people's daily lives. But then again, aren't I giving a play-by-play of our lives via this blog? Ugh, I don't know.
But what I do know is there are some people who have, thanks to facebook, really reached out to me when and since Cale died and given me these little virtual hugs when I need them. One of them is someone I consider a friend, despite the fact that I haven't seen her since high school and we weren't even super close then. But Jessica has just been very supportive and very kind since we lost Cale. People like that really stand out to me - the people who don't have to experience profound grief to "get it," and to let you know that they're thinking of you and that your baby, a total stranger to them, mattered and made a difference.
What am I writing about? Right, why I blog in the first place. Miles was telling me how I have task ADD - it's very true, I will start cleaning one place and get distracted and go work on a project somewhere else leaving bits and pieces of things that need to be cleaned or accomplished everywhere I go. The same goes for this post I suppose. Anywhoo. . . why do I blog? Well I want to keep our family and friends up to date one what's going on and provide more info than just a caption under a picture. But it also has been very therapeutic for me. A lot of the blogs I follow are those of others who are grieving the loss of a baby. And making these connections has helped me so much in my own grief. To give and receive support really means so much. It's really our way of parenting our children. We get to do something - be it leave a few kind words or share a few special pictures that we are doing for or because of our children. And lastly, it's been nice to spew my emotions out for those who have not experienced this profound loss. To hopefully help them better understand.
So, back to Jessica. Well she recently, again thanks to that bastard facebook, sent me this sweet message:
"wanted you to know that a few weeks ago a coworker who I don't know very well started talking to me about losing her son, and while it was a challenging conversation, I felt so much more confident talking to her and relating to her because of how well you've communicated what you've gone through. Her situation was different - her water broke at 24 weeks and she was forced to deliver at that point (don't know the details, medically) but it clearly was challenging for her to talk about it. I guess my point in this message is just to thank you and commend you for how you've handled everything and let you know that your blog, etc are helping others pay it forward"
My friend Sarah recently said something similar to me. She encouraged me to keep mothering Cale by writing about him, talking about him, about my emotions as it helps her understand better and relate to others who go through tragedy.
I didn't set out to "teach" others about loss, but am glad that in my ramblings and in my grieving for my son, I may have been able to do that. But mostly I'm thankful that people are willing to listen and learn. That they not only care for what I have to say, but that they care for Cale, the little guy who continues to leave his impact on this great big world.