November 4, 2012

Two in One - Long Post(s)

Last week I went to Georgia. I had planned on going before the miscarriage as Miles was in the field all last week (and is gone again this week). When my doctor said it would still be ok for me to go, I knew that I still wanted to. Ironically, I was going to visit some close friends who ALL had babies in the last two months. But I had a great time and am so glad I got to meet all the new arrivals and visit with some really great friends. It was nice to go back "home" even though it felt weird. I will share more of that trip later though - especially the short videos I took of Finn dressed up as a fish for Halloween (surprise, surprise).

Going back to Georgia was a good distraction. But yesterday I was a hot mess. Honestly, I don't think it even has so much to do with the pregnancy loss itself (although that obviously factors in), but rather the quick dump of hormones from my body. Poor Miles. He had gotten little sleep all week in the field, and only got to come home for nine hours. Yet when he called to say he was on his way home, he made some comment about dinner that I took the wrong way and I got mad and hung up on him. Then when he walked in the door I just started crying and apologized for my short temper. . . and the crying mess that he got to come home to. Welcome Home, Miles!

I think another reason I got so worked up yesterday was because I read through all the sweet comments people left on the blog from my last post. People would say things like "it's unfair" or "why do bad things keep happening to good people" and I just got to the point where all I could think was "yeah, why DO these things keep happening? Why is life so cruel?" And it kind of did me in. Not to mention I had gone for a short, short run and I was just feeling so slow and out of shape. I'm not trying to fish for compliments and it's not a body image or weight thing. I hadn't yet gained any pregnancy weight and I'm not trying to lose any, but over the last couple months I haven't been working out much and just kinda let myself go. So when you feel out of shape it's frustrating just adds to the already "blagh" ness that I was feeling.

Anyway, I do feel that I'm entitled to feel the way I feel and that sadly I do have good reason to throw a little pity party, but at the same time I needed to (and did for a short bit) sit back and remember that life's not over. We didn't just lose our house in a hurricane, the three of us are in good health, Finn was adorable yesterday (as always) and so excited to see Dadda. When he woke up yesterday morning, it was like he knew he was back home and Dadda should be there too. I said "good morning baby, how did you sleep?" and he responded with "Dadda!" So yes - life can knock you down at times, but there's still a lot of good in the world. It just sometimes takes longer to see through the haze of grief and sadness.

Anyway, I wanted to share another entry I had written, but instead of just going backwards in them, I thought I'd share the first one I wrote. I had just found out I was pregnant and put Finn down for a nap and came to the computer to write how I was feeling:

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It’s September 12, 2012. And I’m pregnant again for the third time. I’m pretty much in shock. A million thoughts running through my head. Mostly, “how do I tell Miles?” I know he will be happy. He was ready to jump on board the baby-making wagon long before I was, but I just want to tell him in a special and unique way like I did with our other two children.

I thought I might be pregnant. But then I thought that I was probably being silly to think that. We had JUST decided to. . .to not even try to get pregnant, but to not prevent it. I thought it might take some time. It, in fact, took no time at all. I know that is a blessing. Some people struggle for so long, some forever, to get pregnant. And I have been able to easily get pregnant three times. I’m lucky. But I don’t feel lucky. I still feel behind. I feel sad that our math equation will never add up. 

I’m mostly just in shock. I bought the tests yesterday. I thought that I could maybe even take one yesterday as they say they can detect up to 5 days from when your period is due. But yesterday was September 11th, and that day deserves to be somber and special for so many other reasons. If I was pregnant, I wanted to save finding out for another day. Yesterday I realized that I wasn't crampy like I usually am before getting my period. I thought “hmm, what if I’m pregnant?” and water tasted bad yesterday which made me think of Jenny because I think she hated the taste of water when pregnant. And then I just felt really tired. But I also have been sick, so wasn't sure if I was tired because I wasn't sleeping well of if it was maybe another sign that I’m pregnant. With those few hints, I really started thinking I might be. I woke up in the middle of the night. My throat hurt so much from my cold and I was coughing and it woke me up. I couldn't fall back asleep because I was thinking how I would test in the morning. And then I woke up and fed Roscoe and got Finn his milk and sat with him for a bit and then decided to go take the test. I took it and put it down on the counter. I told myself it probably wasn't positive and that was fine. Maybe that was a good thing even. We have lots on the agenda and Miles will be out in the field for three weeks so there’s no way I could get pregnant this month so it would put it off for a couple months. But that was fine. We were prepared for that. For the possibility of having to wait. I could sign up for that triathlon and get in better shape and it was cooling off outside finally so we could enjoy the outdoors more. 

And then I walked back into the bathroom and looked. And there were two clear pink lines. And I just said out loud, “oh, holy crap” – like the way you say it when you realize you are late for a meeting you forgot about or something.  Finn was chasing Roscoe around the room and I just stared at him and thought of how he is still my little baby. Is this really happening again? Are we ready for this? Am I ready for this? If all goes well, am I ready to parent two children!? Yikes, what happens when I lose my mind with just Finn? Will I just completely lose it with two? Will it be easier in any way? HOW DO I TELL MILES?

Lots of emotions.

There’s fear. I’m pregnant but how long will it last? I just peed on the stick, haven’t seen an actual baby on an ultrasound yet. What if it’s just a blighted ovum? What if I miscarry? What if we lose this one further along? What if, what if, what if. . . .

There’s excitement. Wow – we could have two living children come next summer. I can decorate another nursery and name another baby and breastfeed again (ha – I am surprised how much I miss breastfeeding). Finn could be a big brother. Wow.

There’s sadness. Is this the last time I will be pregnant? Would it be if Cale were alive? Oh, Cale. I miss you so much. I’m due in May. It would have been nice to have another June baby. Silly to get spun up on dates, but June is a big month for this family. But hopefully May will be too.

Will I tell my sister? She’d love that. Maybe I should text her right now. No, I should tell Miles first. He was the first to know with Cale and Finn. And maybe we should wait for a bit anyway. Can Miles keep it from his brother? Probably not. When will I tell my parents? My cousin’s wedding is in a month. I will see Anna and Deborah then too. Can I keep it from all of them? Probably.

If all goes well we could put this in our Christmas card and announce the pregnancy the same way we did with Cale in Finn. Three Christmas announcements. In four years. Damn. So this means that I’ve been pregnant in 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, and hopefully 2013. Oma would be proud. (Oma is Miles' grandmother who had thirteen children)

I don’t like prefacing things with “if all goes well” but I can’t help it either. I wish I could say that I’m immune to miscarriages. That I already suffered a terrible lose and I’m guaranteed smooth sailing from here on out, but I’m not.  And if miscarriages are so common (1 in 4), then am I almost due for one? That sounds horrible. I hope it’s not the case.

I guess I should call the doctor.

Wow. Three pregnancies. Here we go . . . .

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10 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing all of this. I know it is not easy. I know all the questions you had on the 12th are still there along with more now. But remember to be patient with yourself...just because you recognize the hormones doesn't make them more controllable, and just because you recognize your sadness and can put it in a healthy perspective doesn't mean you shouldn't feel it. Give yourself the time it takes and know that I'm praying for you!

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  2. Isn't it crazy when you write down words, something happens, you read the words again and you think, did I already know this was going to happen? Did I manifest this happening? That is how I felt about Camille. I don't think we have that much power but when we put something out into the universe does it somehow come true? I love that you wrote all your thoughts down...both good and bad, because we have all had these thoughts. It's real, raw, truth.

    I am sure SURE SURE that Miles understands your short temper, emotional state and does not hold it against you :) Gosh I know I have had to appologize for being a CRAZY before as well.

    Looking forward to hearing about your trip to Georgia

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  3. Wow. Crazy to read this knowing the outcome. There really are no words. But I know when you do get your second take home baby, you will be a great mom to them. ❤

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  4. This post had so much hope you could tangibly feel it. I am so glad you posted it, despite how difficult it is to see now. So honest and real. Just beautiful and heartbreaking.

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  5. I'm glad you wrote this and saved it! While there wasn't a happy ending to this pregnancy, there were still moments of joy and hope that you will forever have to look back on with this baby. <3

    And you were most definitely entitled to a little pity party! Between the emotions from grief and the hormones, it's only natural. I hope the week ahead is a gentle one on you with Miles gone. Please give that adorable little boy a hug from me!

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  6. Even reading this now after your loss, it's so amazing to me how much you loved this little critter right from the get go. Of course there's the fear- there ALWAYS is. But so much to look forward to, and joy as well. Thank you for being honest.

    You are an amazing mom.

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  7. Sending hugs. Like a million of them. It's hard to go into a pregnancy with all our innocence stripped away and find a way to balance the caution and the hope. I think you strike that balance perfectly here. I hope so much that there's more hope (and joy) heading your way before long.

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  8. Wow, reading this after knowing the outcome is so crazy. I don't know about you, but I have often wished I could get a sneak peak at my own blog as if reading my future posts would really tell me everything I needed to know. I hate that this fear will always be present and I hate that THIS baby wont be coming home in May. Hugs to you!!!

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  9. Sweet, sweet Caroline. First off, I'm a rotten sister and have been neglecting your blog. Reading what you post is very important to me--it's therapy for you and it allows your friends and family to know you better. You're providing every one of your readers with a gift: honesty and vulnerability. I'm pretty sure you know this, but it's worth saying a thousand times- we all share your grief. We don't know it or understand it or feel it in the same ways in which you and Miles do, but we love you. With love comes a natural ability to deeply feel the loss of those you care about most.
    I was thinking of anger at one point while reading your posts--the anger towards life's inconsistency and unbalance. Then I had an awesome visual, I pictured how angry you used to get at me when I would steal your socks (your socks were the only thing I could fit into...) I think I've cursed the sky with that intensity. Angry sock mad. Sounds funny now, but a 10 year old can get really pissed at the small things, because their world is small! I wish we could go back to that place in our lives when we were oblivious to how cruel life really can be. But we can't. I want you to know how beautiful it is that you are always able to see and value the small blessings and truly wonderful things that life does offer---in between the shitty stuff.
    This is a long response to your post but I’m maybe a little long winded….who do you think I got thank from?? I am so happy that you have Mr. Finn to always put warmth in your heart and a smile on your face and that you have the most amazing husband. You two are an incredible example of how powerful the love between two people really can be. Love you sweet sister.

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