June 19, 2013

Right Where I Am 2013: Almost Three Years

Nine days from now my son should be turning three.

He was born nine days before his due date.

Lots of babies are born nine days early. Lots are born even earlier. Most are born alive.

But in nine days my baby will still be dead. And he won't be a three year old. He will still be my baby. My perfect, beautiful baby who was born nine days early, but without the most important thing - a heartbeat.

Right where I am in my grief is similar to where I was last year. I think Cale has blended in to all our lives as best as possible. Never as it should have been, but he is still here and still an important part of our lives.

Finn can now say "baby Cale." He once grabbed my necklace and I said "Mama's necklace says Cale" and ever since then anytime he grabs any necklace I'm wearing he will either say "baby" or "baby Cale." He looks at his pictures and exclaims "baby!" "baby!" over and over until I acknowledge him. His soft voice saying his brother's name is the sweetest thing in the world, but it's heartbreaking too.

A friend of mine once said the most poignant thing in regards to situations like ours, if I substitute my children's names for hers, the quote goes like this "Watching Finley grow up is the greatest joy of my life. Not watching Cale grow up is the greatest heartbreak of my life. Figuring out how to be a mother to both has been the most challenging and rewarding experience of my life."

As Finn grows, I find that I am still not only learning how to be a better mom to him, but how to continue to be a better mother to Cale, and incorporate him in Finn's life in a positive and meaningful way.

After losing Cale it may have taken time, but there were glimmers of hope that life would still be good. And now, almost three years after his death, I can say confidently that life is good. I still grieve him and always will, but life can still be good, and grief can be beautiful.

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I'm linking up with Still Life With Circle's Right Where I Am Series - blog submissions about where we all are in our journey with grief since the death of our child(ren).

17 comments:

  1. This is so lovely. I'm not sure how you're only six months ahead of me and you seem to be so much WISER. I'm so lucky to have you to light the way. I'm so sorry Cale isn't here.

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  2. 'grief can be beautiful' whoa. That was a powerful statement for me.

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  3. beautiful! that quote is perfect. it sums it up exactly. i love Finn's sensitivity towards his brother. and i'm sorry that Cale isn't here.

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  4. Love how Finn acknowledges Cale!
    Such an amazing mom you are to both boys!
    Love you and praying for you!!
    xoxo

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  5. I love that Finn knows baby Cale. I SO wish he knew him as his hero older brother.

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  6. How tender, beautiful and forever heartbreaking it must be that Finley says Cale's name. Benjamin's not there yet, and I have to say that it makes me nervous for when he reaches that point. I'm nervous of having to be so vulnerable... but that will come up. And I want it to because Andrew is a part of our family and his brother. He needs to know about his brother.

    I find you incredibly wise too, my friend.

    I will be celebrating Cale's life in 8 days right along with you.

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  7. Finn is so sweet- I can only imagine how you must feel hearing him say Cale's name. I imagine it will bring a mix of emotions for me as well when Mason says Aiden's name one day.......

    I also agree about you being so wise-it makes it easy to talk to you about whatever is going on in my head and heart. Thank you so much for being my friend on this journey <3

    Thinking of you and your sweet Cale.

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  8. "Watching Finley grow up is the greatest joy of my life. Not watching Cale grow up is the greatest heartbreak of my life". Yes, yes and yes. Beautiful post. Missing Cale with you. I'm often blown away that so many babies can be born earlier, later or at the same gestation as ours and yet most live while our precious babies did not. It will never make sense, but loving both your boys comes so natural my friend. I will always celebrate them both. <3

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  9. Life is good, amazing, beautiful, yes, even with missing our babies.

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  10. I have been wondering what M will make of his sister A, who will only ever be a baby. E gets it, she lived it, but I wonder about him. That is a good quote. Thank you for sharing, and I agree; much as I hate it, grief can be beautiful.

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  11. I know I can't understand the way that so many others unfortunately can, but I've learned so much from you, and I wish I knew how to express how much Cale means to us because of the amazing mother you've been to him. And to know that he will mean even more to his little brother brings tears and a smile at the same time. You are an incredible mom to all your babies.

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  12. I know I can't understand the way that so many others unfortunately can, but I've learned so much from you, and I wish I knew how to express how much Cale means to us because of the amazing mother you've been to him. And to know that he will mean even more to his little brother brings tears and a smile at the same time. You are an incredible mom to all your babies.

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  13. Again and again I see how strong and beautifully you've travelled this road afterbaby/child loss.

    That quote is beautiful. Really puts its all perfectly, especially for those looking in from the outside.

    Loving on all your precious babies tonight and always

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  14. Oh. You have the most beautiful way of expressing things. How I wish you didn't have to figure out how to be a mother to a child who is not with you. Yet how happy I am that you have found joy in the life you've created -- grief included -- since his passing. Thinking of you as you mark this three-year milestone.

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  15. <3 Love Finn saying his big brother's name. Love love love.

    Three years seems impossible for me to even consider- as we round the corner to 2.5 years... Ugh, it's impossible to believe and yet we are all living it.

    xox momma

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  16. Beautifully written, as always. Love you.

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