And then there are these two pictures. Which I love. But. . .
But I have a memory of holding Cale in that exact same position, wrapped in that exact same blanket, I just don't have a picture of it. I will always regret, and always desperately wish, that I had taken more pictures of our time with him. I wish that I could compare his early expressions to that of his siblings. Knowing that Finn and Mary have so many resemblances of one another, all the while being their own person, just makes me ache that much more for Cale. I wonder who he would have looked more like, and how unique he would have been. I know a few things and am grateful for that. But it's just not nearly enough and I feel that I'm always searching for him in his siblings, especially when they are infants.
I see more of him in Mary than I did in Finn. Mary's hair is more like Cale's - all of my children were born with lots of dark brown hair, but Mary has the most, and while hers is mostly straight, it has these slight waves in it that are more like Cale's. Finn and Mary both have a double crown in the back of their hair which makes me wonder if Cale did too. When I held him I didn't specifically look at the back of his head.
I also think Mary has Cale's lips (Finn seems to have gotten the most luscious of the bunch) and those close to me who have seen Cale's pictures have commented that they see a strong resemblance to Mary whereas I didn't hear that as often with Finn.
Just as I did with Finn, I find myself searching for Cale when Mary sleeps. I gaze at her soft skin and sweet little nose and I look for the baby who came first. I'm so thankful for her and her individuality, but also so thankful for the moments when I catch glimpses of both her brothers. It has been my greatest joy to see the person Finley is turning into and I can't wait to experience the same with Mary. But I'll forever wonder who Cale would have become and forever wish I could have seen him grow from a beautiful baby into a beautiful little person.