Tomorrow . . .

Well, here we are. The night before the big day. I'm sitting here watching a crappy movie (anything with Cameron Diaz is total crap in my opinion), and Miles is literally scrubbing the base boards as I sit. He started doing that after he finished the dishes. After a long day of washing our cars and cleaning out the garage. Oh and he made dinner.

Jealous? Or nauseated? He makes a really really good housewife. Puts me to shame. Boy, did I luck out.

But back to the big day. . .

I feel . . . .well, I feel everything. Incredibly excited. I can't wait to meet Finley, I can't wait to have a happy outcome to labor, to see what he looks like and how much he weighs. To put him in that car seat we installed today, or bring him home to meet Roscoe. I can't wait for any of it. But it's scary too. Scary to know that things can happen at any minute that you never would expect. Scary to think of the harsh reality we were exposed to first hand and can't ignore.

And it's bittersweet. We are about to meet our baby and welcome him into the world, but that incredible fact is because life didn't go as planned. Because we lost Cale. Our happiness is, and forever will be, intertwined with our grief. It's complicated and never will be anything but. Yet, as much as it makes me nostalgic for Cale and makes me miss him and sad for everything he missed out on, it makes me love him so much more. It makes me so grateful for him - he is the reason we are about to embark on this journey and the reason we have reason to be excited tonight.

I've been listening to this song a lot:

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.

   Get over your hill and see what you find there.

  It's been a big hill, but we are nearly there. . . . 

A Happy Heart

Today my friend Priscilla gave birth to her rainbow baby, Samuel Ryan. My other friend Rhiannon and I were able to go meet Sam tonight and just bask in the little miracle and bundle of hope and that he is. And oh, he's so cute. He's a little peanut at 5 pounds, 8 ounces - so precious!

Meeting Sam was really good for both Rhiannon and me who are awaiting rainbow babies. He gives me such hope that despite life's tragedies, happy endings certainly do exist. Thank you to all of you who read about Priscilla and Sam in my earlier blog and kept them in your prayers - hopefully next week we'll be sharing pictures of Sam's friend Finn!

One Week Left. . . Hard to Believe

One week from today is my induction. It's very surreal and as the title states, just hard to believe. But I mean that in the most literal sense possible. We have been waiting to bring a baby home and to be a family of three for a long time now. We want nothing more than for Finley to arrive healthy, living, screaming! But it's almost hard to actually envision it. We've been through a full pregnancy and a delivery before. Just didn't get to bring the baby home. So even though the house, the nursery, and our hearts are VERY ready to welcome this little guy, it's just hard to believe that the possibility of that outcome exists in such a short period of time.

A lot of people have been checking in on me and asking me how I'm doing. I'm actually doing better than I thought I would be at this point. I contribute most of that to having Miles home. Having him back has been so wonderful - it has helped pass the time and has been enjoyable to be back together. I think maybe it just still feels surreal and that's why the full wave of emotions haven't smacked me in the face. It's almost like I'm just waiting for the time to pass, enjoying the movements this sweet baby makes, and enjoying being with Miles and eventually the clock will keep ticking and the time will pass.

Some comments that are getting a little annoying are the following:

* Are you Excited?

Really? Does this even need to be asked? I almost think this is a stupid question to ask any expectant mom, regardless of if they've lost a baby or not. I know there is no harm meant by asking, it just gets old (Or I am just getting crabby. Probably both)

* I bet you are ready to not be pregnant anymore! or Are you tired of being pregnant?

Part of me wants to scream "You have NO idea!" - that's the part of me that is incredibly tired of being pregnant. I've been pregnant for 18 of the last 21 months (since October 2009, I've been pregnant all but three months). Both pregnancies culminating at the onset of the Georgia Summer. It was over 100 degrees for the majority of the last week and this week isn't looking much better. It's humid, I can't sleep, I can't get comfortable, and I feel like an elephant. Ironically, the gestational period of an elephant is 22 months. So yes, yes I am ready to not be pregnant.
But there's a flip-side to that. And that's the fact that I AM pregnant in the first place, something that every day I am thankful for. I'm getting to experience a part of life, that while scary and complicated, is incredibly beautiful and special. And I want to enjoy every minute of this time with my baby because you never know when that time will be taken away from you. And even with a happy ending, it's still such a special time to bond and share with your child and I love that. I love the movements, even the painful ones, I love the hiccups, the ultrasounds, the miracle that is pregnancy.

* I just know everything will be ok this time

We hope so. But we don't know that it will be. And people who say this don't know it either. And this comment is particularly annoying as I want to ask "so, did you know that Cale wouldn't make it then?" I get it - people have a good feeling about things and certainly think that we can't have such a terrible thing happen twice, but the sad reality is that we don't know how it will turn out. We hope for the best and we think things will go well - we never would have tried for another baby if we didn't feel optimistic that we could have a happy ending, but please don't be so ignorant to as claim it as a fact that everything will be just fine. On that same token, it'll probably irk me to no end to hear "see, I told you everything would be fine" if everything does turn out fine.

Despite my little tirade above, I do appreciate all the comments and people checking in. I am always so thankful that Cale was (and still is) so loved, and am so grateful little Finn is no different and that there are so many kind people eagerly anticipating his arrival . . none more than his mommy and daddy though :)

Lucky in Love

{Warning: This post will be cheesy, and sappy, and all around nauseating. Read at your own risk.}

If there's one thing over the past year that I can say, without any doubt or question, I am most thankful for, it would be my marriage. We may have fallen on bad luck at times, but I feel incredibly lucky in love.

Yesterday, Miles and I celebrated our 4th Anniversary. I know, I know - some of you are probably thinking "ohhh - a whopping four years - big deal," but over those four years we have endured a lot. I could go on and on about how hard it's been to endure the separations the deployments have brought us, or the worry and stress they add. But there are so many others going through the same thing. And yesterday I got to celebrate with Miles and I am so thankful to finally be able to do that. And we have lots of reason to celebrate us because quite frankly, I think we rock.

In light of some recent (albeit a little unnecessary) purchases, we agreed to no gifts for each other this year but to go out to dinner. We exchanged cards in the morning, yet when I came home from work I came home to a dozen roses and a beautiful note. He wrote me a wonderfully touching note on the same paper that he writes me during deployments when he writes me one letter every day he is gone. I know, how spoiled am I? I have tupperware bins full of these letters. His thoughtfulness is one of the things I love most about him.

I loved Miles the day I married him - I think most people should love their mate before taking the plunge, kinda an important prerequisite. But over the last four years, the last year in particular, I've realized the meaning of love and I've realized how important it is to share your life with someone you truly love who loves you in return. I've also realized how much I need him.

After we lost Cale we heard a lot of scary statistics about how many relationships fail after the death of a child. But in those first few days after our loss, I knew it was already making us stronger and bringing us closer together. Less than eight months after losing his son, Miles lost his brother and while losing Daren didn't impact our relationship in the same way as the death of a child, it certainly impacted us as people and as individuals. But through everything, the good, the bad, the joy and pain, our love for each other has been a constant. It's something I know I can always rely on and I look forward to living the rest of my life, no matter what that may bring, with Miles by my side.

These were taken after we went out for our Anniversary dinner.

I couldn't decided which one Roscoe looked cuter in so am including them both.

It's June!

It's hard to believe that June is finally here. We will meet our son this month. It's wonderfully exciting and incredibly nerve-wracking all at the same time.

I've gone through the majority of this pregnancy with the support and friendship of two other baby-loss-mommas Rhiannon and Priscilla, who I've mentioned before in some of my blogs. They both live close by and are pregnant and have just become very dear friends as we go through this crazy journey together. Not to say that my friends and family who haven't experienced a loss haven't been a huge support, because they certainly have, but it's really been special, in a very tragic way, to have others who have "been there." I feel like we are able to give each other hope while intimately understanding each others fears and worries. Priscilla is at a similar point in her pregnancy and was hoping to be induced today, but has to wait a few more days so that her little guy Sam can develop his little lungs just a bit more.  I'm so anxious to meet Sam. He will be the first  rainbow baby of our little group to make his debut and it's just so exciting to know that his day is almost here. So for all those wonderful people supporting me as we anxiously await Finley's arrival, please keep Sam and his mom Priscilla in your thoughts and prayers - as well as all those who are in eager anticipation of their rainbow babies.

I do have some good news to share that I hope stays good news. . .at my appointment yesterday, Finley was head down! It figures doesn't it? I've been asking him to move for a few weeks and two days after Miles gets home, he moves. I'm glad he at least listens to his dad! Although I do still worry that he won't stay put. There are times I think I can feel his head again at the top of my belly, but hopefully it's just his little butt. We'll find out on Friday if he's still behaving or is back to being a breechy little fella!