June 6, 2011

One Week Left. . . Hard to Believe

One week from today is my induction. It's very surreal and as the title states, just hard to believe. But I mean that in the most literal sense possible. We have been waiting to bring a baby home and to be a family of three for a long time now. We want nothing more than for Finley to arrive healthy, living, screaming! But it's almost hard to actually envision it. We've been through a full pregnancy and a delivery before. Just didn't get to bring the baby home. So even though the house, the nursery, and our hearts are VERY ready to welcome this little guy, it's just hard to believe that the possibility of that outcome exists in such a short period of time.

A lot of people have been checking in on me and asking me how I'm doing. I'm actually doing better than I thought I would be at this point. I contribute most of that to having Miles home. Having him back has been so wonderful - it has helped pass the time and has been enjoyable to be back together. I think maybe it just still feels surreal and that's why the full wave of emotions haven't smacked me in the face. It's almost like I'm just waiting for the time to pass, enjoying the movements this sweet baby makes, and enjoying being with Miles and eventually the clock will keep ticking and the time will pass.

Some comments that are getting a little annoying are the following:

* Are you Excited?

Really? Does this even need to be asked? I almost think this is a stupid question to ask any expectant mom, regardless of if they've lost a baby or not. I know there is no harm meant by asking, it just gets old (Or I am just getting crabby. Probably both)

* I bet you are ready to not be pregnant anymore! or Are you tired of being pregnant?

Part of me wants to scream "You have NO idea!" - that's the part of me that is incredibly tired of being pregnant. I've been pregnant for 18 of the last 21 months (since October 2009, I've been pregnant all but three months). Both pregnancies culminating at the onset of the Georgia Summer. It was over 100 degrees for the majority of the last week and this week isn't looking much better. It's humid, I can't sleep, I can't get comfortable, and I feel like an elephant. Ironically, the gestational period of an elephant is 22 months. So yes, yes I am ready to not be pregnant.
But there's a flip-side to that. And that's the fact that I AM pregnant in the first place, something that every day I am thankful for. I'm getting to experience a part of life, that while scary and complicated, is incredibly beautiful and special. And I want to enjoy every minute of this time with my baby because you never know when that time will be taken away from you. And even with a happy ending, it's still such a special time to bond and share with your child and I love that. I love the movements, even the painful ones, I love the hiccups, the ultrasounds, the miracle that is pregnancy.

* I just know everything will be ok this time

We hope so. But we don't know that it will be. And people who say this don't know it either. And this comment is particularly annoying as I want to ask "so, did you know that Cale wouldn't make it then?" I get it - people have a good feeling about things and certainly think that we can't have such a terrible thing happen twice, but the sad reality is that we don't know how it will turn out. We hope for the best and we think things will go well - we never would have tried for another baby if we didn't feel optimistic that we could have a happy ending, but please don't be so ignorant to as claim it as a fact that everything will be just fine. On that same token, it'll probably irk me to no end to hear "see, I told you everything would be fine" if everything does turn out fine.

Despite my little tirade above, I do appreciate all the comments and people checking in. I am always so thankful that Cale was (and still is) so loved, and am so grateful little Finn is no different and that there are so many kind people eagerly anticipating his arrival . . none more than his mommy and daddy though :)

4 comments:

  1. Caroline, saying many prayers for you, Miles and little Finn. I have checked your blog several times and am sending happy and calm thoughts your way. XOXO

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  2. ahhhh... again you have nailed all my emotions! I have someone in my life that is also pregnant and quite frankly she is "disgusted" by the process. Sometimes I just want to B-slap her but whatever. I recently talked about getting maternity pictures and was asked by this person why I would want to document this big belly. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! I love being pregnant and like you, I have been pregnant almost a full year so far minus 3 months. I'm thankful, blessed, happy, and excited for this pregnancy just as I was for the other one. Some people are just plain old ignorant.

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  3. I feel like we could devote entire blogs to the awkward questions people ask in different situations. I know it's a completely different planet of grief - but I remember getting (what I felt were) hysterical questions when I lost a job a few years ago. It was like I had a sign on my forehead that said, "Go ahead, act strangely." At any rate - it seems you've taken all this in stride so well, and I"m so full of happiness for where you are now! xo

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