August 19, 2013

Back to School

It just dawned on me that the three year old I should have would maybe have started preschool this month. Wow. We've missed out on so, so much. With all the back to school sales and items in the stores and all the ads on TV, I never thought much of it. But then I saw a picture of a three year old getting ready for school and my heart just ached for that should-have-been moment with my boy.

I know I'll carry this grief with me forever, but I suspect these little years will especially highlight the profound impact his loss has on my life. Three year olds are so different than say, six year olds. But in twenty years that difference won't be as noticeable. I look forward to that softening and I dread it all at the same time.

I want his loss to always be profound.

But mostly, I want my boy to be holding his monogrammed lunch box as he heads off for school. His mom crying for all that was, not all that should have been.



  1. Seriously, ugh. I feel it, too. For you and for so many of our wonderful loss moms. Andrew would still be home with me, but he'd probably be headed off to preschool at some point in the next 6 months and potty-trained and all that jazz. Like what?

  2. Some friends were talking this weekend about putting their girls in dance class. I'm so lucky that Zuzu will be ready for that in a few years, but I wish her sister were here to be playing around in a leotard and talking about being big enough for ballet next year. You're right that it will always ache--but I suspect that even twenty years from now there will be moments--weddings, graduations--when the longing will be just as profound as we wish for the child and sibling who should be here with us.

  3. Understand all of this. I saw a picture yesterday of a little boy born about a week before Aiden and I almost lost it. I can't even imagine my baby boy that size and looking so grown up. Which just devastates me. 3 years is unreal and yet it still seems like yesterday.

    I wish we were both watching our little cuties in their new shoes with their Pottery Barn embroidered lunch boxes in hand and their back packs that are just a little too big walking up to school this week......

  4. <3 Love you Cale. Love you mama.

  5. Yes, the missing out on all the little things continues every single day. And then there are the big things like school that knock us flat yet again.

  6. That hit me last yr bc Hayes would have started at 2 like sloane did. I didn't think of it at first, but as I drove away after her first day last yr, I saw her 2yr old teacher and lost it bc it hit me that he should have been in her class at that time. I cannot believe how much we have missed.

  7. These milestones are soooooo hard. It don't know which ones knock me for a loop more; the ones I see coming and worry over, or the ones I realize when I'm right up on them. Ugh. Either way, I'm left reeling.

    Missing Cale with you. Wishing so much that he was here.