August 11, 2013

Vulnerable Territory

I've waited to share the news for so many reasons. I wanted to get past 10 weeks when I miscarried the last pregnancy, I wanted to get out of the first trimester (even though I scoff at the notion of the "risky period" being over), I wanted to get through June and not let this news overshadow Cale's birthday, then I just wanted to wait until my next doctor's appointment and the next and the next . . .to make sure that things are still ok.

And they are. But really, I've waited to share because it makes me feel so vulnerable when I do. Because little by little I'm putting the word out there and giving people this hope, myself included, that this will all work out. I don't know if it will, but I want to hang on to the hope that it might for as long as I can. And then I want a healthy living babe in my arms as a gift for my dedication to clinging onto even the smallest amounts of hope. Seems reasonable, yes?

After I miscarried I had asked for space which people gave me and I appreciated that. I didn't want to talk about pregnancy and trying because I didn't want the pressure (though it's mostly self induced) of people knowing we were trying. Mostly I didn't want them to know if we were not succeeding. And for a little bit, we weren't. It obviously takes a little bit of time to heal, physically and emotionally, after a loss (at any stage) and when we did start trying it didn't happen right away. And I had hoped it would -I felt like so many people either got pregnant right after a miscarriage or knew someone who did. I heard so many "success" stories in that regard and it gave me false hope that I would be one of those people. But I wasn't. And month after month I felt frustrated and confused and was convinced that I'd one day be making an appointment to talk infertility with my doctor. Yes, a miscarriage and the recovery time was included, but from the time we started trying for a sibling for Finn until I got pregnant again, it had been nine months. It was sad and frustrating and I felt bad because that experience is a drop in the bucket compared what some go through to ever conceive a child. But it gave me a taste of what's that like and makes my heart ache for them. It makes me so sensitive to comments people make about being fertile or popping out kids. Because for so many, it's just not that easy.

And that was another reason that I've been hesitant to share this news. Whether you've lost a child or not, whether you've been trying for one month or one year, it is just such a tender topic and although we've been through a lot, I didn't (and don't) want our happy news to make anyone else sad or hurt. I know what it's like to be happy for someone and also sad for yourself. It's not a good feeling. But they are real feelings and I understand them.

Now that it's "out there" I will talk about this pregnancy from time-to-time and share this chapter of our lives, mostly for my own documentation, but also because there are so many wonderful people who have shared in our grief and deserve to share in our joy.

We've got about four months to go which is a lifetime and no time all at once. Hopefully it's smooth sailing from here on out. Hopefully, come December, Finn will have a sibling to grow up with. Hopefully.

So far, so good.


  1. Hi Caroline... I really appreciate this post. I've been feeling awful because we have been trying for 9 months, and I made myself an appt. because I'm afraid something is wrong. This really made me feel a lot better. I want so badly for Gabe to have a sibling, and like you say, so many people don't realize it's a sensitive topics. That it's such a MIRACLE to conceive & have a baby! Thanks again!! Praying for the BEST for you!

  2. I respect you even more for this post. I know it's your heart. You know our hearts, desires and where were at.
    I get so tired of people who flaunt their prego selves and their weekly bare bellys, and the girl who continually posts how any hours old her baby is. I want to be happy but sometimes it's hard. I'm super elated for you and miles because I "know you" and where you have been in this crazy life.
    Thank you for your heart and your selfless concern for others! I still do want to see baby posts from you!

  3. I feel I completely understand and can in some way relate to this post. What you said about not wanting people to know you were trying because in that they would know you were no succeeding ... I felt that way after Alexander died. People asked right away if we were going "try again" (which was hard to hear in itself as I felt it implied we lost a pregnancy, and not a child.) and I told them yes, but after 6 months. And I knew we were going to try right away, after my first period. Well, after a few months of trying, and then a miscarriage, it ended up being 6 months exactly to where we were pregnant again. And it was hard for me to talk about. It didn't come easy, and it wasn't something we "should" having been needing to do. And I know several people - well, my sister - wanted to swap stories about getting pregnant, and I felt terribly vulnerable as her feelings of thinking it would take her a year somehow meant she could relate to things not coming easy.

    None of what's left in this life seems as though it's going to be "easy" for here on out... And I think you're unbelievably strong, and so very brave

    Love to you

    I selfishly want belly shots too!

  4. This is beautifully put. I know all too well what it's like to be happy for others and sad for myself. I am amazed by how much I took for granted before Eliza.

    Sending much love to you and new baby Hidalgo. Fingers crossed that the next four months are peaceful ones.

  5. As a baby loss mama, life in general already feels so vulnerable. The fact that everyone feels so entitled to know your business when it has to do with pregnancy and babies makes it all so much harder when you know how truly precious life is and how fleeting that happiness can be. I hope holding this wonderful secret has helped you get through the last few months and has allowed you to just BE with your growing baby.

    We tried for nine months with both boys and it was so stressful. I hate how hard it was every month and I hate that I feel like such a jackass for complaining about nine months when other people wait years with so much heartache.

    Cale and Finn's little sibling is so lucky to have an amazing family! xoxo

  6. Vulnerable times, hard topic, tender heart.

    Perhaps it is called trying for a reason. Trying to conceive, trying times, trying to hold it together month after month and seeing no two lines. Trying. Simply, trying.

    This little soul is held so dear to so many. We adore this wee baby along side you and hope and pray for a calm and gentle four more months. As I say of Lillian, she was willed into existence and once again, this community joins with you and is willing this wee one into existence.

  7. Such a wonderful way to share your heart here, my friend. I love and respect all that you've been through and all that you guys are as a family.

    Hoping that baby grows big and strong and lives a long, healthy life being tormented by big (yet not biggest) brother, Finn.

  8. Some of this I understand so achingly well. Some I understand not at all. But I am rejoicing with you in each amazing moment of life you've shared so far with this new little love, and praying unceasingly for every next moment to be filled with the joy you so deserve.

    Thanks for sharing your hope with the world, I'm sure it helps so many even though it's hard to be so vulnerable.

  9. This is the best news! To me, every time someone who's experienced loss in some way gets good news, it's like a glimmer of hope, a sign that yes, sometimes there's good news and sometimes there are happy endings. May you have the smoothest, healthiest, textbook-of-textbooks pregnancy and delivery! You deserve this happiness.