Finley Finds a Sharpie

Alternate Title: Mom Fail.

The other day I decided that I needed to update the growth chart I made several months back. I had Finn's 18 month and two year stats saved in my phone so measured them against the chart and marked them down. And then I put the sharpie down and walked away.

Later that day Finn was in his playroom (which is where the growth chart is hanging) and being sweet, playing with trains and train tracks. I was on the phone and attempting to start dinner, checking on Finn occasionally.

Then it got quiet.

And I came into the room to discover Finn "lulering" all over the wall. And carpet. And worst of all, my beloved growth chart.

I grabbed the Sharpie out of his hand and made sure there weren't any signs of it being in his mouth, but of course taking away such a fun toy resulted in a meltdown, but I just let him go nuts while I googled "how to get Sharpie off everything."

I took to the carpet first with hand sanitizer (a google suggestion) and it did help, but really good ole resolve got the rest out just fine:

I turned the light on in the room after cleaning it for the "after" pictures so that's why the coloring is off. 

I didn't even bother with the book.

And I tackled the walls with rubbing alcohol and cotton balls and they look much better, but could probably use a fresh coat of paint:

Even the growth chart is showing signs of progress (see the section that's not in white under the one?), but it's slow, and I'm tempted to just re-do the whole thing. Miles said it may just be a cute reminder of Finn being a toddler and we could leave it on there, but I'm too type A for that nonsense. No, the little bastard ruined it.

Lesson learned: Don't be an idiot and leave a Sharpie out for a two year old. Oh, and yes, it came off his face just fine. Maybe we should have left it there as a cute reminder of Finn being a toddler??

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Choo Choo, Finn is Two! (Alternate Title: Recap of the Party, just a little Tardy)

So Finn turned two a month ago. How bout that? I swear in the first days following his birthday it was like he knew to just have one random and ridiculous tantrum, as if he was saying "I know what I'm supposed to be like at this age, mwuahaha" but then of course he has the moments of pure love bug where all he wants is to sit in my lap and read a book, or if I say "ouch" to something, he looks concerned and likes to touch and kiss my owie to make it "bedder." I've heard two is awful. I've heard it's not that bad. I've heard three is the real gem, and I've heard it's all great until they are teenagers. So who knows. What I do know is this boy is sassy at times, sure. He whines and resorts to crying fits when he can't communicate what he wants (or doesn't like my response), but he is sweet and fun too. He's a happy kid who is just a little chatter box these days and these past two years have been some of the very best because of his presence in them.

Originally for his birthday I was going to do just a train theme. Miles and I got him a wooden train set (that may or may not still be sitting in the Zulily box from when it was purchased last December) and I thought it would be cute to do a "Choo Choo, Finn is two" theme to go along with said unopened gift. Well about a month before his birthday he started to love airplanes. We'd hear them outside and he'd come running to me so that I could pick him up and we'd look up in the sky for the plane. "Airpane! Up, sky!" he started saying over and over. He's impressively good at knowing the difference between an airplane and a helicopter just based on the sound they make in the air, and I knew that airplanes would need to get thrown in the mix at his birthday. So I decided to go with a transportation theme. When figuring out how to word the invites, Miles suggested they read "Come to the party that has the most, our little Finn is turning dos" which probably makes you laugh and think Miles is so clever, but he envisioned those invites with the silhouette of a stripper in the background and wanted to write something about when the kegs would be delivered. So in typical fashion, I ignored him and his dreams of a Mexican fiesta and went with this:

Yes, I crossed out my phone number but not the address, because we moved a few days later. 

Which seems to be the theme for June. Celebrate Finn's birthday, move the following week.

Really, there were very few trains involved - mostly planes and trucks. And really there were very few "themed" things anyway. I used a set of scrapbook paper for the invites and then cut out shapes for the cupcake toppers. Borrowed some trucks and cars for the table, and made a banner (the morning of). That was it.

I definitely didn't put as much effort into this years party as I did last year. My sister frosted almost all of the cupcakes, and other than a fruit salad (that my friend cut up for me), chips, and a veggie tray, we didn't really do anything. We ordered pizzas and called it good. And I mean, he's two. In hindsight I wish he had specifically requested no gifts. While he did seem to be somewhat interested in opening presents, I know he wouldn't have known a difference had there not been any.

Finn was more interested in playing with the fire truck than being sung to by a bunch of people, but he did seem to enjoy his cupcake afterwards. Cousin Carson, who wore the same shirt as Finn (I'm sure they planned it) helped open gifts. And below are some cute shots of some of the other kiddos who helped our boy celebrate his second year.

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Best Place to Celebrate America's Birth: Canada!

Ok so that title is a lie. The best place to celebrate our country's birthday, our independence, is obviously in the good ole USofA. Particularly in a place that doesn't have firework restrictions because of dry weather (ahem, like my youth spent in hot, dry, deserty Arizona).

BUT, my favorite 4th of July ever was spent in Canada.

Seven years ago I took a trip to Niagra Falls with my boyfriend Miles. I had a few days of leave before going to be cadre at West Point's version of basic training and Miles was on his graduation leave before heading off to Georgia for training.

We stayed on the Canadian side of the falls, my first and only trip to Canada thus far, and stayed at this beautiful hotel overlooking the falls. We walked around and did the touristy thing and enjoyed our day:

That evening we had reservations at the restaurant at the top of the hotel which had big glass windows from where you could watch the fireworks above Niagra Falls.

We got to dinner and while overlooking the menu Miles stated that he didn't feel well. I wasn't feeling too great myself, but that was because I had a tooth that was really bothering me. I thought maybe something was caught in it, and kept poking my tongue around it trying to dislodge whatever was causing so much pain. Miles, on the other hand, was having some stomach issues. So much so that after we ordered an appetizer he said he wanted to go back down to our room and use the restroom, to umm, hopefully get some relief.

So I sat and waited and fiddled with my tooth. Eventually he came back, but wasn't looking much better. He was kinda sweaty and said he felt a little better, but that he was afraid he wasn't 100% yet.

But we managed to enjoy our dinner and our evening and not let our ailments get the best of us. We decided to pay and just head back to the room to watch the fireworks instead of staying at the restaurant any longer. When we took the elevator down to our floor and Miles opened the door to our room, I walked in to a room that was dimly lit with candles and had rose petals sprinkled all over:

I turned and looked at Miles, surprised at how lovely the scenery was, but honestly I just thought he was being romantic since it was our last couple of days together for the next few months. Not long after we got in the room did I head to the bathroom to retrieve floss and try to attend to my nagging tooth.

After giving up that my tooth would feel any better, I headed over to the window to watch the fireworks with Miles. We were enjoying the view when all of a sudden Miles turned to me and dropped down on one knee. And THEN it hit me. Not when we had fancy dinner reservations, not when Miles disappeared for a bit, and not even when I walked into a room with candles and rose petals. No, it took him actually getting down on a knee for me to realize he was proposing. Miles asked me to marry him and I just kept saying "are you serious?" over and over, while crying and hugging him. Eventually he reminded me that I had yet to actually say yes.

Spoiler alert: I did say yes.

So while this holiday is fun and celebratory for our entire country, I love it for more than that - for the start of our life together as a couple and family.

Also, for those wondering. . .that tooth ended up getting a root canal.

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Love You Forever

Miles deployed when I was 24 weeks pregnant with Cale and came home the day before he was born. Talk about timing being everything, egh? Anyway, before he left we went to Barnes & Noble and both picked out a book for our babe. Miles picked Where the Wild Things Are and I picked Love you Forever. It's always been a book that holds a special place in my heart because it's always been a book that holds a special place in my mom's heart - it was one she read to my siblings and me when we were little. We went on to receive two more copies of it - I can't remember if it was when I was pregnant with Cale or Finn, but to this day we still own all three copies.

Back in August I ordered this picture of Cale's name beautifully written on an Australian beach by an artist and baby loss mother herself.

The picture was first posted on Carly Marie's website where I could purchase a digital copy of it. She had a form you filled out with your baby's name and birthdate and whatever else you wanted displayed on her site the day the picture was posted. I chose the verse from  Love You Forever.

“I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
as long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.”

So I've always loved this book, not only for its connection to myself and my mom, but to Cale as well.

Well, it gets even more special.

A couple weeks ago a friend shared this blog with me in which I learned that Robert Munsch, the author of Love You Forever, wrote the book as a tribute to his stillborn babies, two boys, born in 1979 and 1980. On his website he explained:

Love You Forever started as a song.

“I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
as long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.”

I made that up after my wife and I had two babies born dead. The song was my song to my dead babies. For a long time I had it in my head and I couldn't even sing it because every time I tried to sing it I cried. It was very strange having a song in my head that I couldn't sing.

For a long time it was just a song but one day, while telling stories at a big theatre at the University of Guelph, it occurred to me that I might be able to make a story around the song.

Out popped Love You Forever, pretty much the way it is in the book.

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So here we are, three years from the death and birth of our first son. We'll celebrate him tonight as best we can, but of course I wish we were celebrating with him. I wish I knew so much more about Cale. I wish I knew the kind of three year old he would have become. I wish I knew what his little voice would have sounded like or what his favorite toy would be right now. There's not much I know about him, but I know this much:

“I’ll love you forever,
I’ll like you for always,
as long as I’m living
my baby you’ll be.”

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Rainbow Weekend

A few weeks ago I made a trip to Chicago to spend three days with a group of baby loss mothers and their rainbow babies. There were FOURTEEN of us who made the trip. Fourteen broken hearted mothers who, for the most part had never met before, yet fourteen of us who could not be happier to see one another. It was not weird or awkward and despite the fact that I had only actually met two of these women before, it felt like I knew each and every one of them and only wish I had more time with them. Since losing Cale and connecting through blogs, I have met some very wonderful and genuine friends. Friends I wish I never knew, at least not under the circumstances that brought us together. We've grieved with each other, understood each other, and supported one another during some of the darkest times in our lives. I was asked recently if having another baby was what helped the most after we lost Cale and honestly the answer is no. It was a scary, anxiety filled journey filled with PTSD-esque moments. But it did give us hope and light and the end result, fortunately, was amazing. And yes, having Finn has healed me in a way I never thought possible. But I will never be fully healed. And that will never be Finn's job. What helped me the most was having this tribe. Having people I could cry with, grieve with and walk the unknown with. These bereaved and beautiful women, and many others like them, have been my biggest source of comfort and help these past three years.

But it wasn't just meeting the mamas that made the trip wonderful. Meeting the siblings of all the babies lost was equally special. Finn was the oldest of the rainbow babies, the other 13 falling between 8 and 18 months. These kids are amazing. They each have these wonderful and unique personalities and getting to love on them in person was so special.

But it was definitely bittersweet as we remembered and talked about the 15 siblings who aren't here. The big brothers and sisters they will never grow up knowing, at least not in the way any of us had hoped. Fifteen much wanted, and missed little babies who can only be loved on from afar. Sonja, wearing a sunhat in the first picture, brought gifts for each of the babies. Her mother knitted unique rainbow hats for each child. We all cried when we listened to the touching note her mother enclosed with the hats and laughed as we attempted to get a group picture. Would have helped if someone, whose name rhymes with Binn, would have kept his hat on.

For a wonderful post on just how special this picture is please read Brooke's blog

Cale's birthday is on Friday. I wish more than anything he were here to celebrate it. But I have my tribe. I have my people, and so many others, who will help us celebrate him, love on him, and remember him. And for that I'm forever grateful.

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